Today was not a good day, neither was yesterday or the day before. Suffering set backs and let downs, feeling pummeled by the world, making bad choices out of hurt and anger. Instant regret, self destructive bents that pull all the walls around you down.
Everything you once stood for, or at least you believed you stood for in pieces. Through my actions. Those of a fool, those of someone feeling so very mortal, lonely, lost.
It's so hard to see the forest for the trees. a dull ache of loathing, a minister's heartbeat drifting closer into my ear. The want for peace and newness. I cannot live with the old. The job, the life, the people I meet. where are the good people? So few and far between, and I'm certainly not one of them right now. I need to leave. to breathe, run, stay, grow roots, dissolve my rut. Be free. Be settled, so many contradictions.
I want love, but don't want it. I'm lonely but i want to be on my own. `I want to squeeze someone close and tell them I need them, i want to need them, but every time it comes close i get bored, uneasy, selfish. I hate being that guy. I never wanted to be that guy. I wanted/want to be someone who is moral in the best sense of the word, someone who lives a good life and is healthy in spirit, makes good things happen, makes people happy.
I know that this is probably only in movie scripts, it's not a real aspiration, it doesn't exist that purely. But my demons are ruling too hard and too fast right now and I'm at a loss as to what to do to curtail them.
Everything you once stood for, or at least you believed you stood for in pieces. Through my actions. Those of a fool, those of someone feeling so very mortal, lonely, lost.
It's so hard to see the forest for the trees. a dull ache of loathing, a minister's heartbeat drifting closer into my ear. The want for peace and newness. I cannot live with the old. The job, the life, the people I meet. where are the good people? So few and far between, and I'm certainly not one of them right now. I need to leave. to breathe, run, stay, grow roots, dissolve my rut. Be free. Be settled, so many contradictions.
I want love, but don't want it. I'm lonely but i want to be on my own. `I want to squeeze someone close and tell them I need them, i want to need them, but every time it comes close i get bored, uneasy, selfish. I hate being that guy. I never wanted to be that guy. I wanted/want to be someone who is moral in the best sense of the word, someone who lives a good life and is healthy in spirit, makes good things happen, makes people happy.
I know that this is probably only in movie scripts, it's not a real aspiration, it doesn't exist that purely. But my demons are ruling too hard and too fast right now and I'm at a loss as to what to do to curtail them.
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Its like pudding. If you eat your pudding before dinner it sucks, however good it is. Everything just isnt right. But if you eat it after dinner its right. Its perfect and you feel pure content.
Weird analogy, I know! but I think in terms of food.
Once you have had your fill of dinner, pudding will just work. Even though you want it now.
Just wake up every day and try to do your best, be your best.
Or just drink.