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marishka

Shelltown

Hopeful Since 2007

Followers 81 Following 67

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Sunday Sep 16, 2007

Sep 15, 2007
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So...I sent this email to my Mom
This is the only way I know how to talk to you. Because otherwise you get so angry and loud that I give up. I don't want you to respond to this...talking or otherwise. Im not going to try to make you understand anything I just want you to know. Ive done more than you know about. Ive done enough to recognize that I have a problem with some substances that include pot. That is part of the reason that I go to AA with John. I get alot out of it for my own growth. I just keep wondering if you would think the same of me as you do of any person with an addiction if you knew things that Ive done and just havent been caught. Ive been lucky enough not to have been arrested. Im not proud of anything and thats why I didnt want to tell you what Ive done because...I really honestly dont think you would want to believe it. Again...Im not proud of anything...but Im not ashamed that I go to AA. Im not ashamed to share with people at school. Thats why youve never read my senior project. Because I didnt want you to know how bad I was at one point in time. Its one of the biggest reasons I broke up with Ray. I couldnt relate to him at all....and he made me feel so incredibly low. Someone thats supposed to love you shouldnt do that. It was getting to the point where I was feeling so bad about myself that I didnt know why I was trying to stay clean. And...it didnt matter how much everyone else wanted me to be with the "right" guy...I couldnt stay with him and feel good about myself. The past is in the past...and all I can do is do my best now. Today. I cant worry about whats happened...or whats going to happen. Because...what Ive already done I cant change...and whats going to happen is essentially out of my hands and Ill drive myself crazy worrying about it. All I can do is worry about today and do what I can do to be the best me I can be..just today. Nobodies perfect. I forgive people for me...not for them. In the long run...I would rather die knowing that I did the best that I could possibly do....and know that I had been the happiest I could have been and not have hate or resentment for anyone because all thats going to do is fester within me and ruin me. Not anyone else. All I need to worry about is me. Johns problems are his own...my problems are my own. I dont have to drive myself crazy over his problems. Because their his. And Im not lying for him or me anymore. All I ask is for some sensativity and support. I dont want your sympathy....Ive gotten through some of the hardest parts of my life without you knowing anything about them...and I dont want anyones sympathy. But support is nice. Some simple...understanding...support. Again...I dont want you to respond. Please...dont try to talk to me about this or ask questions because Im not going to answer. You know I deal with things within myself before anyone else knows. And...your usually the last person to know because I dont want you to be dissapointed in me...I would rather you chalk it up to immaturity and ignorance and be angry with me than genuinelly dissapointed. I love you.

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