Login
Forgot Password?

OR

Login with Google Login with Twitter Login with Facebook
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • SuicideGirls
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
Vital Stats

marcu_s

Galloway, OH

Member Since 2005

Followers 9 Following 9

  • Everything
  • Photos
  • Video
  • Blogs
  • Groups
  • From Others

Thursday Jun 21, 2007

Jun 21, 2007
0
  • Facebook
  • Tweet
  • Email
I discovered Jacquie Barnaby's music on happenstance, when I was purchasing some random music from cdbaby when artists were donating half of their proceeds to hurrican katrina relief efforts... she recently posted one of the greatest blog entries I've ever read on her myspace blog:


Lately I've been introspective---far, far more introspective than usual. To the point where I am trying to admit ugly things about myself and wondering how to make them beautiful.

In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis tells the story about a trip from Hell to Heaven. These souls are given one last chance to choose Heaven. Lewis was a firm believer in the act of choosing--as my professor in college, the venerable Dr. Peter Kreeft said, "God is a seducer, not a rapist." The idea that God controls our decisions and our paths is a fallacy. We choose everything. And even when we die, we must choose to be with God. God cannot force us to choose to be with Him ("Him" for all intents and purposes....I like to say "Him"). So when we are faced with the glory of God and the wonder of Love Incarnate, we must summon all the courage we can to say "I choose to be with You, the source of everything good in the universe and all existence."

And in The Great Divorce, these souls arrive in Heaven and see that everything there is more of what it is, as opposed to Hell, where everything is less than what it is. These ghosts cannot lift a blade of grass--the grass is more real than they are. And there is one thread that is particularly moving. A soul has, grafted onto his shoulder, a demon who whispers lies into his ear. The demon, as you would expect, is putrid, foul, and the things he says are pure hatred. The soul to which this demon has attached himself is in agony all the time. An angel asks this soul if he may kill this demon. The soul cries out to the angel that he cannot--he is afraid. The soul cries that to slay the demon is impossible without obliterating his own existence, but the angel persists. The angel takes his sword, and cuts the demon off. The soul writhes and screams in pain--but only for a moment, because the soul, who has chosen to rid himself of the thing that killed him, that made him less of a person, becomes more of what he is and what he had been. He is no longer transparent, gray, miserable; he is beautiful, powerful, and very very real.

And the demon, its hideous corpse lying on the ground, opens and out of the demon springs a white winged horse.

Out of the man's weakness was his beauty and strength.

My problem right now is that I am aware--fully aware--of my demon. What my demon tells me is this: I am not capable of love. I am not equipped to love and be loved. I am also not deserving of love.

I am told I am not normal. Others have lives--they have friends. Their friendships are strong and solid and span years. Their friends are healthy and normal, with houses, cars, babies.

I have no friends, not really. The friends I do have are scattered. They are usually tenuous relationships, or unreliable.

There is something wrong with me.

Perhaps this is just exhaustion. Perhaps I am reading far too much Virginia Woolf. Perhaps I need more sleep. But this is how my brain is working, and I am not quite sure how to shut it off. I went through shock, then grief, and now I just feel numb. I am a little ghost.

You are not normal, the demon says. Nobody could ever love you. It seems that I have been told that--by the one person in my life who I should have been able to trust, the one person who should have been my safe place to fall, but she didn't say that, no she didn't. She said to me, Nobody could ever love you. I am older now, and no matter what I do, I simply cannot shake it. This mantra informs everything I do, say, think, and feel. If anyone really finds out who I am, how ugly and pathetic I am, they will leave.

And so I build walls around me. I push people away, and then I wonder why I am so isolated. I push them away to protect them from me. When someone tries to get close to me, I try to tell them: Do not get mixed up with me, I am no good.

The isolation has become my companion. I do not like it, but I do know what I can expect. I do not want to feel, and my heart is tired of breaking.



http://www.myspace.com/lapetitejacqueline

More Blogs

  • 10.19.13
    0

    Been a long time since I've rock 'n rolled...

    update: married, two dogs (miniature pinscher and a terrier mix), a…
  • 03.02.09
    5

    Tuesday Mar 03, 2009

    I will never understand why someone bought me three months of SG, but…
  • 04.10.08
    0

    Thursday Apr 10, 2008

    Change takes time, except when it doesn't. I don't remember things…
  • 03.30.08
    1

    Sunday Mar 30, 2008

    It's a three horse race... the dark horse of course being the best fr…
  • 03.01.08
    0

    Sunday Mar 02, 2008

    Back in Ohio... vacation taught me two things - Warm is better than c…
  • 02.15.08
    1

    Friday Feb 15, 2008

    Off for 16 days in the great American Southeast... NC, SC, GA, FL - n…
  • 12.30.07
    1

    Sunday Dec 30, 2007

    Vote yes, for reading books and hanging out at the library. I turn…
  • 12.25.07
    1

    Tuesday Dec 25, 2007

    ok, when the celestial order of things decided to take all matter and…
  • 12.09.07
    0

    Sunday Dec 09, 2007

    I now live in Columbus again, sortof in-between campus and grandview …
  • 10.22.07
    0

    Monday Oct 22, 2007

    the quick rundown: work - crazy as always side business #1 intern…

We at SuicideGirls have been celebrating alternative pin-up girls for:

23
years
10
months
7
days
  • 5,509,826 fans
  • 41,393 fans
  • 10,327,617 followers
  • 4,598 SuicideGirls
  • 1,116,465 followers
  • 14,938,177 photos
  • 321,315 followers
  • 61,438,131 comments
  • Join
  • Profiles
  • Groups
  • Photos
  • Videos
  • Shop
  • Help
  • About
  • Press
  • LIVE

Legal/Tos | DMCA | Privacy Policy | 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record-Keeping Requirements Compliance Statement | Contact Us | Vendo Payment Support
©SuicideGirls 2001-2025

Press enter to search
Fast Hi-res

Click here to join & see it all...

Crop your photo