Lucidity. Something I seem to be seriously lacking these days. That and an open mind coupled with a lack of direction have forced me into this garbage hole I call home, and this cess pit of depravity known as my soul.
Surely a bit melodramatic for an opening sentence or two. But that's pretty much how I feel at the moment. I'm feeling distinctly non-sexual at the moment. Which anyone who knows me will attest to, is a strange shape of events. I don't quite know what's come over me recently. I feel like I'm staring at the world through filmy gauze. I don't really know quite how to take anything at the moment. With a pinch of salt, at best.
At the back of my head there's this strange niggling. And for the life of me, I cannot work out what the hell it is haha. Frustrating when that happens.
Everything seems very disjointed to me. Things that should be making connections just.. aren't. I think this must be how alcoholics and drug abusers feel. Very "out of it" I think.
Ahh I don't know. I need change. I crave it. I want something different than my lot in life, and every time I try to change it, I end up ever more at step one than before. If possible, I'm at step 0.75. Something has to change soon. Whether it's me, my life, where I live, how I look, how people perceive me, I honestly can't tell ya.
On a positive note, my evening meal smells absolutely fucking delicious.
Read up, my pretties. Read, fill your head with words, fill it with ideas, fill it with designs, concepts, decisions, anger, sadness, happiness. Fill it with something, and fill in all those little gaps.
In the glass jar of life, the important things, family. Friends. Loved ones of all shapes and sizes. Theyre all rocks, cluttering it up. Beneath that are pebbles, filling in those smaller gaps. Work. Social events. Plans made, plans fulfilled. Everything else that fills in the gaps left from the tiny pebbles is nothing more than sand. The Filler of life. Daytime television. The internet. Telephone conversations that mean nothing. Drinking. Drug-ing. Dancing contentedly in a loud club, with people staring and wondering what the fuck you're meant to be.
So. Whats the next step for me. Do I move. Do I stay here and work around the problem that I cant even leave my house. Do I move, and deal with it there. Do I sacrifice friends and family for one friend here, another friend there. What do I do next. I suppose thats the logical assumption. Always look forward to see what happens, what is on offer. Look to the future, kids. You're never too old to learn, to be shocked, to be scared or to be so filled up to the very top with sand that you laugh out loud and cry at the same time.
Philosophical debates and conversations and rants have never suited me really. Still. One does what one can. True story.
I miss friends. I miss social life, I miss relationships, I miss sex, I miss meaning. I stumble along in my humdrum routine, and I'm just wondering, more importantly than all, why am I here, what's my point, my meaning, my reson detre. I met a delightful young chap last year, though I cant for the life of me remember his name. But though he was only 22, he was quite possibly the most widely versed and knowledgeable person I've ever had the privelige to meet. We talked for a good six hours, and we only had to stop talking because I needed sleep for my return journey home. Sad truth is that now he's moved out of where I met him, and probably won't be graced by his intellect. I thought I was intelligent, and he put me back in my place, certainly. Bit of a long entry really, so I should probably tail it off here with some cheerful nonesense. But I wont.
Surely a bit melodramatic for an opening sentence or two. But that's pretty much how I feel at the moment. I'm feeling distinctly non-sexual at the moment. Which anyone who knows me will attest to, is a strange shape of events. I don't quite know what's come over me recently. I feel like I'm staring at the world through filmy gauze. I don't really know quite how to take anything at the moment. With a pinch of salt, at best.
At the back of my head there's this strange niggling. And for the life of me, I cannot work out what the hell it is haha. Frustrating when that happens.
Everything seems very disjointed to me. Things that should be making connections just.. aren't. I think this must be how alcoholics and drug abusers feel. Very "out of it" I think.
Ahh I don't know. I need change. I crave it. I want something different than my lot in life, and every time I try to change it, I end up ever more at step one than before. If possible, I'm at step 0.75. Something has to change soon. Whether it's me, my life, where I live, how I look, how people perceive me, I honestly can't tell ya.
On a positive note, my evening meal smells absolutely fucking delicious.
Read up, my pretties. Read, fill your head with words, fill it with ideas, fill it with designs, concepts, decisions, anger, sadness, happiness. Fill it with something, and fill in all those little gaps.
In the glass jar of life, the important things, family. Friends. Loved ones of all shapes and sizes. Theyre all rocks, cluttering it up. Beneath that are pebbles, filling in those smaller gaps. Work. Social events. Plans made, plans fulfilled. Everything else that fills in the gaps left from the tiny pebbles is nothing more than sand. The Filler of life. Daytime television. The internet. Telephone conversations that mean nothing. Drinking. Drug-ing. Dancing contentedly in a loud club, with people staring and wondering what the fuck you're meant to be.
So. Whats the next step for me. Do I move. Do I stay here and work around the problem that I cant even leave my house. Do I move, and deal with it there. Do I sacrifice friends and family for one friend here, another friend there. What do I do next. I suppose thats the logical assumption. Always look forward to see what happens, what is on offer. Look to the future, kids. You're never too old to learn, to be shocked, to be scared or to be so filled up to the very top with sand that you laugh out loud and cry at the same time.
Philosophical debates and conversations and rants have never suited me really. Still. One does what one can. True story.
I miss friends. I miss social life, I miss relationships, I miss sex, I miss meaning. I stumble along in my humdrum routine, and I'm just wondering, more importantly than all, why am I here, what's my point, my meaning, my reson detre. I met a delightful young chap last year, though I cant for the life of me remember his name. But though he was only 22, he was quite possibly the most widely versed and knowledgeable person I've ever had the privelige to meet. We talked for a good six hours, and we only had to stop talking because I needed sleep for my return journey home. Sad truth is that now he's moved out of where I met him, and probably won't be graced by his intellect. I thought I was intelligent, and he put me back in my place, certainly. Bit of a long entry really, so I should probably tail it off here with some cheerful nonesense. But I wont.