This is an actual email conversation between me and a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, to protect the innocent).
her: And this one time at goth camp there was this horny girl and she lived in a cave built into the side of an auk.
me: But she did not know what an auk was and so was forced to carve soap for a living once, while she was carving soap, she decided to carve herself a little friend.
her: he vibrated.
me: One day while she was playing with her little vibrating friend she began to notice that there seemed to be a language to the vibrations. That they were much more than mere simple vibrations. That perhaps they were indeed foretelling something!
her: she decided to go on a quest to see if anyone else could understand the vibrations.
me: so she went first to the local cheese maker because she knew him to be a man of good taste and much wisdom.
her: she told him to bend over and spread em, as this was the way to understand vibratey things.
me: So she went back to her mysterious unknown auk, with two packages of tasty cheese of course, and she put some cheese in her mouth then bent over and spread the slices.
her: the vibrating soap thing then proceeded to make the cheese very very clean, in an organized manner.
me: Suddenly she was glad that she did not know what an auk was. But she felt that she still did not understand her little friend. So she went out to the yak fields to find the herdsmen to ask him if he knew how to understand vibrations.
her: the yak herdsman smelled like yak, for some mysterious reason. he was badly in need of soap. vibrating soap. he wanted to buy her little friend. she asked what he would do with the soap and he replied...
me: I would use him to cleanse myself. I have some um rather pesky internal build up that i need to cleanse. This sounded like a good idea to her. he enjoyed "cleaning himself" so much, that he "cleaned " all the yaks too, as he was a very generous sort of man. Then as being a generous sort of man he went back to the auk and attempted to give the vibrating man back to the girl. this made the auk very scared, as it had never seen a clean yak herder before, and it distrusted all forms of cleanliness, ever since it's mother was killed in a vat of radioactive bubble bath, giving her super-auk strength for the few seconds before she died. So the auk invoked it's natural defense mechanism and surrounded itself with a blanket of squirrels. It called the squirrels from the forest and the ground and the cliffs by the sea. They came pouring in by the dozens. as we all know, great yak herders fear no droves of squirrels, yet this was no great yak hunter, having not his great stench with which to drive the squirrels away. he cursed and fled, dropping the soap figurine with great haste and disgust. The auk then began to relax and slowly the squirrels wandered off, one by one, to seek some other nutfilled wonderland. The girl wondered what all the rucus had been about and opened her door to find her soap friend vibrating very fast.
her: she squealed with joy in her own special way when she saw him, alerting some of the wandering squirrels.
me: Who promptly shed patches of their furry pelt. The little soap friend saw this and quickly picked up the hair and cleaned it. But as you know you can never get all the hair off of a bar of soap so a bunch stuck to it. this pleased her. she decided to use the clean squirrel hair to take over the world, or at least the auk.
her: In the process of this she realized what secret message her little soap friend was trying to vibrate to her! He was telling her what an auk was!
me: it was an important and sacred messege. he told her that an auk was...
her: goddamiti don't know what an auk is Mara!
me: i'm not completely sure what an auk is either. i think it's a sort of penguin-like bird thing.
the end
her: And this one time at goth camp there was this horny girl and she lived in a cave built into the side of an auk.
me: But she did not know what an auk was and so was forced to carve soap for a living once, while she was carving soap, she decided to carve herself a little friend.
her: he vibrated.
me: One day while she was playing with her little vibrating friend she began to notice that there seemed to be a language to the vibrations. That they were much more than mere simple vibrations. That perhaps they were indeed foretelling something!
her: she decided to go on a quest to see if anyone else could understand the vibrations.
me: so she went first to the local cheese maker because she knew him to be a man of good taste and much wisdom.
her: she told him to bend over and spread em, as this was the way to understand vibratey things.
me: So she went back to her mysterious unknown auk, with two packages of tasty cheese of course, and she put some cheese in her mouth then bent over and spread the slices.
her: the vibrating soap thing then proceeded to make the cheese very very clean, in an organized manner.
me: Suddenly she was glad that she did not know what an auk was. But she felt that she still did not understand her little friend. So she went out to the yak fields to find the herdsmen to ask him if he knew how to understand vibrations.
her: the yak herdsman smelled like yak, for some mysterious reason. he was badly in need of soap. vibrating soap. he wanted to buy her little friend. she asked what he would do with the soap and he replied...
me: I would use him to cleanse myself. I have some um rather pesky internal build up that i need to cleanse. This sounded like a good idea to her. he enjoyed "cleaning himself" so much, that he "cleaned " all the yaks too, as he was a very generous sort of man. Then as being a generous sort of man he went back to the auk and attempted to give the vibrating man back to the girl. this made the auk very scared, as it had never seen a clean yak herder before, and it distrusted all forms of cleanliness, ever since it's mother was killed in a vat of radioactive bubble bath, giving her super-auk strength for the few seconds before she died. So the auk invoked it's natural defense mechanism and surrounded itself with a blanket of squirrels. It called the squirrels from the forest and the ground and the cliffs by the sea. They came pouring in by the dozens. as we all know, great yak herders fear no droves of squirrels, yet this was no great yak hunter, having not his great stench with which to drive the squirrels away. he cursed and fled, dropping the soap figurine with great haste and disgust. The auk then began to relax and slowly the squirrels wandered off, one by one, to seek some other nutfilled wonderland. The girl wondered what all the rucus had been about and opened her door to find her soap friend vibrating very fast.
her: she squealed with joy in her own special way when she saw him, alerting some of the wandering squirrels.
me: Who promptly shed patches of their furry pelt. The little soap friend saw this and quickly picked up the hair and cleaned it. But as you know you can never get all the hair off of a bar of soap so a bunch stuck to it. this pleased her. she decided to use the clean squirrel hair to take over the world, or at least the auk.
her: In the process of this she realized what secret message her little soap friend was trying to vibrate to her! He was telling her what an auk was!
me: it was an important and sacred messege. he told her that an auk was...
her: goddamiti don't know what an auk is Mara!
me: i'm not completely sure what an auk is either. i think it's a sort of penguin-like bird thing.
the end
VIEW 25 of 40 COMMENTS
itsalivemedia:
I'm frightened...hold me?
westcoastsamurai:
damn, i was really hoping to attract a baby chicken with my dog too.