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mamazuma

Member Since 2005

Followers 13 Following 7

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Sunday Sep 18, 2005

Sep 18, 2005
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Been doing a lot of soul searching lately and contempating some stories from my childhood that, upon reflection have given me some insights.

Understanding why I became the way I am and finding that some of my basic, even subconcious assumptions about life are actualy just beliefs that I have the option of changing whenever I choose. It's just a matter of reprogramming.

My story:

When I was a small child, people would give me things wherever I went, flea markets, craft fairs ect. It was a remarkable thing. My mother still comments on it. The world was very generous with me.

From nursery through fourth grade I went to a very progressive cooperative school that I loved untill my single working mother couldn't afford it anymore and I was put into the local public school for fifth grade. It was like a different world and I was in culture shock and very unhappy.

So I decided to run away, not forever, just to give my parents a scare and show how serious I was about my 3 demands.
1. I wanted to go back to my school.
2. I wanted to see my father more and,
3. I wanted my mother's fuck-head boyfriend out of the house.

My mother recently gave me the note I left. It said
"I have run away. I have taken the girl scout cookie money, but if I get a job I will get it back to you somehow."

Anyway they found me under the porch the next morning. But it did draw attention to my demands and the first two were met. The fuck-head remained.

The lesson in this for me was if you make your needs clear to the world they will be fulfilled. This coupled with a later deep belief in karma, led me to believe that as long as I was a good, caring person, the universe would provide for me.

This worked for me for a while and I was happy and optomistic. Untill it didn't and the Dissapointment came.

I won't go into it, just because it's a long story and I don't want to type it all.

But, it happened that when things didn't go my way, in a big way, I internilized that I was because I was not good enough and that I did not deserve better. I have lived with this unconcious belief underlying the choices I have made in my life since then. That was ten years ago.

Now I see the flaw in this thinking and am coming to understand that the world has rules and like any game you have to know them and use them to your advantage if you want to win.

I still believe that I create my own reality, but now I see the world as a framework that I must work within. Creating reality is not a passive activity. I need to take the right action to create the reality that I conciously choose to create.

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