it's 6.00 am and i am awake, i am sad and restless, so hungry. I am tired of being around and trying to make things work for me
I am terribely lonely, I always was, things that happened in the past, as well as things that did not happen restrains me, i am withdrawn and keep distance from people. I am so so tired of this, but i, do not want to trust.. I cannot trust.I am in the middle of a crisis that lasts forever. I am during the faze of feeling, Yes I suppose to sit and feel without acting on my emotions, I did suffocate and suppress them for years, with Clonazepam, with distractions of all forms, by throwing myself into crazy situations - i am surprise that i am alive, i could easily get killed by folks i used hang around with, .....
Once again i am trying to feel what is there , deep down inside me... and that is scary , really scary/ incredibeable sadness, loneliness, feeling of emptiness, anger , rage, confusion, frustration and again anger, so much anger, i hate that it hurts, but i suppose to feel all of it. Its, been 12 weeks of trying to face my emotions,( apparently still long way to go...) ......
Henry Rollins, clever guy and his short film ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPuj-p_FoYo
very close to what i feel maybe exactly what i feel. I just want to open my fucking door and walk out of this flat and just run and go far away from what is here inside me, but i can't .... whatever i do i cannot run away from myself......
I am sitting and watching people, like this day at the coffee shop - people just live and walk around with their lifes and they are so far from me...
some pics i took on Monday, shit quality as taken with mobile phone camera... but still say what they suppose to say..
and that is me, Tony sees me like that:
I am terribely lonely, I always was, things that happened in the past, as well as things that did not happen restrains me, i am withdrawn and keep distance from people. I am so so tired of this, but i, do not want to trust.. I cannot trust.I am in the middle of a crisis that lasts forever. I am during the faze of feeling, Yes I suppose to sit and feel without acting on my emotions, I did suffocate and suppress them for years, with Clonazepam, with distractions of all forms, by throwing myself into crazy situations - i am surprise that i am alive, i could easily get killed by folks i used hang around with, .....
Once again i am trying to feel what is there , deep down inside me... and that is scary , really scary/ incredibeable sadness, loneliness, feeling of emptiness, anger , rage, confusion, frustration and again anger, so much anger, i hate that it hurts, but i suppose to feel all of it. Its, been 12 weeks of trying to face my emotions,( apparently still long way to go...) ......
Henry Rollins, clever guy and his short film ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPuj-p_FoYo
very close to what i feel maybe exactly what i feel. I just want to open my fucking door and walk out of this flat and just run and go far away from what is here inside me, but i can't .... whatever i do i cannot run away from myself......
I am sitting and watching people, like this day at the coffee shop - people just live and walk around with their lifes and they are so far from me...
some pics i took on Monday, shit quality as taken with mobile phone camera... but still say what they suppose to say..
and that is me, Tony sees me like that:
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
lovelygamer:
HR is brilliant- I have thought so since I was a teen and first found him. I know life is hard when all thee feeling swell inside of us and we don't know what to do with them- or HOW to do anything with them. Just know there are others who feel just like you do- it's a constant battle. Your pictures are amazing. Your doing well to make it twelve weeks without medicines to dull you. I agree with lauretta- keep holding on!
malutka:
Hey, thanx both of you, It's good to know that I am not on my own.