malloreigh

i want to say that i don't feel sexy anymore, but i want to, but i'm afraid i've forgotten how. i want to say that i became really self conscious about my... vanity... and my online presence, sort of all at once. how my self image burned and is still rising from the ashes. how i was so conscious of being watched and read by those who would be critical of me. not just family. people i respected and was afraid of being judged by, for being too sexual, too vain, not hardcore enough. too feminine. afraid of coming off as too feminine. afraid that would make me seem weak.

i don't really know how to write it. how do i say all of this? how do i organize it in a way that makes sense? i'd have to figure it out first, really think about it, write it down, talk it out. maybe. i don't know. i still feel self conscious, i don't want to use this as a forum to figure myself out. i feel vulnerable with all of you people, all of you anonymous people, peering in at me like this. watching me.

i worry, and perhaps would say i know, that people who know me in the offline world read my sg journals. they don't tell me they read them, but they do. it is because of them that i censor myself, that i am so afraid of saying what i feel. i used to use sg as a place for free and sexual expression. a place where i could be my self-loving, glorious, fabulous, sexy self - but now i am so self conscious. it has bitten me so many times.

i care. of course i care. i don't want you to judge me. i don't want you to think i am an attention-seeker, that i seek self validation through sexualizing myself on the internet. i'm already here, posted up, my naked photos available for purchase and consumption. but they don't make me vulnerable. opening up in this journal does.

i have proudly stated on more than one occasion that while i post here regularly, take part in the community, and have many photosets, i don't sexualize myself. it's not a sex thing. it's art, for me. but why do sex and art have to be mutually exclusive? they aren't. why should i be proud of not sexualizing myself when i AM a very sexual person and i may well be more comfortable being honest about that? when plenty of strong women openly express their sexuality here and it does not diminish them in the least?

i still don't know what to say.
it has been three years since my self-concept crashed and i began again, to struggle. [that's not to say i was comfortable before then. i wasn't. i just didn't know it.] to find myself, to find a comfortable place where i can KNOW and LOVE who i am without becoming ashamed or self-conscious. i am afraid of misrepresenting myself, of making myself out to be something and then showing something else.
i am afraid that the way i dress or speak will make people think i'm 'faking it'. am i? i don't even know.

the truth is:
i'm smart. i'm articulate. i'm sexy. i'm a femme dyke. i'm vain. i'm self-indulgent. i'm opinionated and i'm bossy. all of these things are part of who i am.

maybe i will start being more open and honest here. maybe i will give you the full story, or maybe certain parts of it. i don't record all of it anywhere anymore and i am feeling suffocated by my own thoughts. the thickness of them.

i am more myself now than i have ever been. i feel good about it. i still have a long way to go.

this is still incomplete. i am still figuring it out.