malloreigh

I have mixed feelings about being brave. I can think of incidents where I have been brave, such as when I went to the aid of some teenagers being attacked by a gang, only to end up as the new target of the gang. I kept my cool and remained calm when they were sizing me up and they left me alone in the end. Had I shown weakness, they would have attacked me.

But I have a strong imagination and anability to anticipate what might happen, which is not an aid to the kind of foolhardy bravery that some people display, where they become so focused on one thing that they neglect to consider the possible consequences of their actions. As your friend says, to "step forward anyway" is true bravery.

I have also been caught in an avalanche, which was one of a few times in my life where I thought I may die. It was on the last day of a skiing holiday and I wanted one more go, despite the treat of changing conditions. A blizzard came and wiped out most of my view. I was making slow progress sideways across a mountain, when I felt an unexpected shift in the form of a downward movement. My eyes popped open and I took on a heightened state of awareness.

The motion continued like this at a fast walking pace long enough for me to recognise what was happening and to realise that I could not ski ahead of the avalanche and that I should try and ski sideways to get off the moving slab. At that point the motion accelerated suddenly and I fell on my back to be left helpless. Chance worked in my favour and the avalanche came to a stop as it hit an upturn in the landscape, like reaching the bottom of a V shaped section. I felt myself being pushed upward as the snow piled up under me.

During this experience I remained lucid and free from panic, which let me do my best to maximise my chance of survival. That state remained as I continued my descent in the worsening blizzard, with the thought of cliff edges and further avalanches. I am not sure that remaining rational in such situations counts as bravery, but I know that others might panic, as I might in another situation. What was peculiar about this situation is the way that you need to make decisions and take action while being aware of a mortal peril, and to do so for nearly an hour. It's is a deliberate and considered situation.

Of the things I hate about myself, and hate is too strong a word, I dislike my poor ability to make small talk is social situations. I am great at talking about things, like how something works, but pointless chit chat provides me with little enjoyment and I have not much ability to make it. That's something I wish to change, because chit chat is a staple of social situations.

Of the things I love, my even handed and considered nature is something I like. I like to be fair to others and for others to be fair to me. This is a good way for people to interact.

I do try to be brave. Maybe it works against me.

Right now I am totally not feeling the brave, I am nervous as hell about my trip and almost scared.