maleficentmoi

There was news of a great white shark attack off the coast of Northern California yesterday. Although the forty-something-year-old surfer was treated for minor wounds and released in the same day, people felt it important to point out the attack to the public. I suppose it was exciting news for a shark nut like me, but the fact that the fucking surfer wasn't even hurt that bad left me full of scorn. What good is a shark attack if the surfer isn't permanently damaged? I would like to have a sit down discussion with this half-assed great white and get a few things straight. First of all, I understand that you didn't mean to attack something as scrawny and disgusting as a human surfer stupidly waiting to catch a goddamn wave of note to take his lazy ass into shore, but that doesn't mean you should let the fucker off easily. Bite a motherfuckin' leg off, boy! Send the fear of Death into all of those specks of human waste on the ocean's surface! Honestly... Clear the ocean of a few weeds, would you? Secondly, can I borrow twenty bucks, Mr. Great White? Third, what the hell is with that stupid 'Once Bitten, Twice Shy' shit song you wrote back in the eighties? You can compose that kind of abortion to the ears but not maim a stupid fucking surfer? Well, get back to me about that twenty bucks, okay? I'm hungry.

There is this ugly blonde surfer out in Hawaii who got her arm bit off by some bull shark or something like that (I don't think it was a great white). Anyway, this stupid worthless cunt goes on to fame and fortune (of the Andy Warhol variety) because she's a survivor who still surfs despite now only having three limbs like a circus freak or the drummer of Def Leppard. Meanwhile, the shark that bit the cunt's arm off is dead, having been hunted down by stupid fucks out to rid the waters of a beast acting of its natural accord. They had a picture displayed of the poor dead beast in the blonde, three-limbed bitch's autobiography (poorly written and terribly uninteresting, if I might add). Now, did they get the arm back? Did they feel all better about some stupid cow losing her arm? Did they get their jerk-on over being manly fucking men afraid of a fish for Christ's sake? Well, whatever. I still score that whole thing Shark: one, Surfer: zero.

And, finally, just once, I would like to wake up and discover though some morning news notice that five hundred surfers were eaten last night by all sorts of sharks in a feeding frenzy unimaginable in the history of mankind. Then, and only then, will I think, "Fuck, I'm glad I woke up."