makebelieve

I'm tired. I'm tired of being lonely. I feel like I got fucked over by everyone today. And on a REALLY bad day to feel alone. One year ago today was the lowest point of my life, and I can't talk to anyone about it. Most people would just think I'm trying to get attention or something. But I have been fucked up for awhile just knowing this day was coming. And today, I find out my "best friend" was lying to me AGAIN. And I get attacked all day by his psychotic ex girlfriend. Calling me ugly, attacking me because of my depression problems and past insecurities. I'm tired of it. He talks shit about her every day to me, and now they're like, BFF. In her mind anyway. And I haven't heard any different from him. I KNOW we're not together. I don't want to be his girlfriend. I can't trust him, and that just keeps getting worse. I don't want to let him go. I love him to death, but the trust is all downhill. If I do let him go, she'll think she won. I do get upset when he ignores my calls, doesn't call me back. And I have a right to be. He knows me, he knows how I think. But now I know he really has been ignoring me. Or at least that's what psycho bitch says. I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm all alone here, and I'm tired of it.

I'm getting so sick of my job. I don't think it's the job. I think it's me. I'm losing interest in everything again. I sleep a lot more. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I have therapy tomorrow. Because I'm CRAZY right? You know, Andy wasn't the best boyfriend in the world. But he loved me. And I fucked it all up. For what? To be fucked with continually? How many chances have I given this guy in the past 9 years? Do I ever learn my lesson? Nope. Just keep believing everything he says. And for what? I don't want a relationship with him!!!!!!!!!! But our situation is more than just friendship! I don't know why people don't understand that. And now I think he thinks I want that from him, and I'm just telling him I don't to appease him. I don't know what I want anymore. Right now, I just want to be happy again.

Last year was the worst year of my life. May started off as the worst month of my life, as I woke up in the hospital. Then came the drugs, my grandma dying, it just was the worst. And here I am a year later, and it's not getting any better. I thought it was. But not anymore. I'm so tired of being alone. Not to quote John Mayer. But I hear that song every day at work and I just can't help but relate.

Damnit. I miss Andy. He gave good hugs.