Well, I still don't know what just happened. I can't quite reconcile myself to "just friends," but maybe that's the only reason the signals are mixed to me? Every now and then I wish I had friends that knew each other, but I guess this way keeps me honest as far as playing "do u think she likes me?!?! lol" sorts of games.
Had a wonderful date, though. Seems it's inspired her to think bigger: now she wants to actually take a vacation with me. The plan is to head out to France and Italy when her daughter gets old enough to be left with the grandparents for a week or two.
...of course, the question, as always, is does she realize how well she's fitting herself into the role that R defined for my girlfriends? Maybe not. Maybe so, and the fact that one night together is all that still differentiates us dating or not is the reason she's so vehemently non-physical. Maybe she doesn't care, or maybe she puts a lot more faith than I do in my ability to maintain boundaries.
She's got another friend who does something like this, by the way. Of course, he actually got his way with her once, way back when. He's also married (now, and at the time as well) but despite that, his exhortations to resume the affair continue. In a way I'm thankful for this, since it affords us a way to discuss my feelings for her, if only comparatively. Apparently she finds the key difference to be that I "accept how it is now, even if not the future." (Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: acceptance and healthy coping! I can't say I expected to find it in the form of long rambling journal entries, though.)
My personal opinion is that her other illicit suitor and I differ only in levels of subtlety: whereas he flagrantly asks for sex, I've simply made it a point to demonstrate that I'd be a better boyfriend than the current excuse for such. When you get down to it, I'm a slow worker at this sort of thing. I guess in that sense she's correct: I'm pretty forward-looking about this, recent surge of hope notwithstanding.
Anyway, I'm done with this topic for now. I don't love her any less for the disappointment, but it'd be so much easier if I did.
Had a wonderful date, though. Seems it's inspired her to think bigger: now she wants to actually take a vacation with me. The plan is to head out to France and Italy when her daughter gets old enough to be left with the grandparents for a week or two.
...of course, the question, as always, is does she realize how well she's fitting herself into the role that R defined for my girlfriends? Maybe not. Maybe so, and the fact that one night together is all that still differentiates us dating or not is the reason she's so vehemently non-physical. Maybe she doesn't care, or maybe she puts a lot more faith than I do in my ability to maintain boundaries.
She's got another friend who does something like this, by the way. Of course, he actually got his way with her once, way back when. He's also married (now, and at the time as well) but despite that, his exhortations to resume the affair continue. In a way I'm thankful for this, since it affords us a way to discuss my feelings for her, if only comparatively. Apparently she finds the key difference to be that I "accept how it is now, even if not the future." (Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: acceptance and healthy coping! I can't say I expected to find it in the form of long rambling journal entries, though.)
My personal opinion is that her other illicit suitor and I differ only in levels of subtlety: whereas he flagrantly asks for sex, I've simply made it a point to demonstrate that I'd be a better boyfriend than the current excuse for such. When you get down to it, I'm a slow worker at this sort of thing. I guess in that sense she's correct: I'm pretty forward-looking about this, recent surge of hope notwithstanding.
Anyway, I'm done with this topic for now. I don't love her any less for the disappointment, but it'd be so much easier if I did.