Day 9-
I woke up this morning to a note
"Good Morning Prince Charming,
I had to leave, I'm sorry - Jennifer" and she was gone.
When I was 18 and half way through my final year of High School, I got called into the Principals office, Mr Traeger, he was a big tall man with a bad moustache and a smell that to this day has never been reproduced in my nostrils (gladly) it was like a medicinal hooker. He looked at me across his desk, which was naked with the exception of a signed NJ Devils Hockey puck proudly displayed in a plastic collectors dome. As I sat there in my leather jacket and my long hair, he said "A_____, you won't be graduating with your class, and well unless you'd like to repeat a year, you'd probably do well to drop out....". At that my jaw clenched, my nostrils flared, and my hands tightened into fists, Traeger slowly reached over to the desk and grabbed the errant hockey puck obviously in fear that I would recognize it's potential as a weapon.... His intuition couldn't have been further off, because at that moment a single tear left my quivering eyelid and traced the stubbly line of my saddened cheek. I stood up and walked out, of his office, of the department, of the school... to my truck. I climbed in and reached between the front seats where I had removed the center console months before and replaced it with a beer cooler. I grabbed a cold Budweiser long neck. I smoked a Marlboro Red 100 and drank all 12oz in the drivers seat staring at the window of the office where just minutes before I had learned that my life (which admittedly had been a bit strange up to that point as I had always known I wasn't a very good line walker) would forever be stamped and stigmatized with the label "High School dropout" I put the key in the ignition and left a dark cloud behind me as I tore out of that fucking parking lot.
I never did have a "plan" that I followed, but I always thought I'd just follow the natural progression, as it seemed to be what everyone else around me was doing. It's as though up to that point we (my piers and I) had all been leaves floating atop the same stream, effortlessly following it's subtle twists and turns, absolved of any need to anticipate a "next" move. Well I had just been kicked out of that stream to stand on the shore and watch my fellow leaves float on. That was one of the saddest moments of my lifeI thought, at first. Time and experience though has granted me new perspective on that moment. Looking back today, I recognize that, that was the moment that I was not kicked out of the stream but set free from it. Free to face the world on my own terms and test the strength of my character. Well in fairness to the truth, the realization was hardly instantaneous, it took years of struggle, with substance abuse, self destructive and depressive behavior and of course lots of failed love affairs. All of which I intend to lay out for you in time, but the good news is that I'm here now, which means at the very least I made it through alive.
I want you to know who I am, really who I am, all the contradictions, the un-cool parts the embarrassing mistakes and yeah the beautiful parts, because for all of the ugliness it took to make me the man I am, it has been the beauty of the person I have always been that has sustained me, and dare I say helped me thrive. And as much as you'll let me, I want to know you too. Not just the beautiful romantic parts, but the less pleasant things. I want to know YOU, the honest you that loses herself in hope and finds herself in love. I want to know what you are afraid of, I want to know what makes you sad. I want to know when you first tasted your favorite ice cream I want to know YOU, I want to CARE about you, I want to know the moment you broke free of the stream. I want to know why you didn't wake me up before you left, I want to know that you're coming back
I think I'll make some breakfast now Crepes always make me smile I still smell Jennifer's hair
I woke up this morning to a note
"Good Morning Prince Charming,
I had to leave, I'm sorry - Jennifer" and she was gone.
When I was 18 and half way through my final year of High School, I got called into the Principals office, Mr Traeger, he was a big tall man with a bad moustache and a smell that to this day has never been reproduced in my nostrils (gladly) it was like a medicinal hooker. He looked at me across his desk, which was naked with the exception of a signed NJ Devils Hockey puck proudly displayed in a plastic collectors dome. As I sat there in my leather jacket and my long hair, he said "A_____, you won't be graduating with your class, and well unless you'd like to repeat a year, you'd probably do well to drop out....". At that my jaw clenched, my nostrils flared, and my hands tightened into fists, Traeger slowly reached over to the desk and grabbed the errant hockey puck obviously in fear that I would recognize it's potential as a weapon.... His intuition couldn't have been further off, because at that moment a single tear left my quivering eyelid and traced the stubbly line of my saddened cheek. I stood up and walked out, of his office, of the department, of the school... to my truck. I climbed in and reached between the front seats where I had removed the center console months before and replaced it with a beer cooler. I grabbed a cold Budweiser long neck. I smoked a Marlboro Red 100 and drank all 12oz in the drivers seat staring at the window of the office where just minutes before I had learned that my life (which admittedly had been a bit strange up to that point as I had always known I wasn't a very good line walker) would forever be stamped and stigmatized with the label "High School dropout" I put the key in the ignition and left a dark cloud behind me as I tore out of that fucking parking lot.
I never did have a "plan" that I followed, but I always thought I'd just follow the natural progression, as it seemed to be what everyone else around me was doing. It's as though up to that point we (my piers and I) had all been leaves floating atop the same stream, effortlessly following it's subtle twists and turns, absolved of any need to anticipate a "next" move. Well I had just been kicked out of that stream to stand on the shore and watch my fellow leaves float on. That was one of the saddest moments of my lifeI thought, at first. Time and experience though has granted me new perspective on that moment. Looking back today, I recognize that, that was the moment that I was not kicked out of the stream but set free from it. Free to face the world on my own terms and test the strength of my character. Well in fairness to the truth, the realization was hardly instantaneous, it took years of struggle, with substance abuse, self destructive and depressive behavior and of course lots of failed love affairs. All of which I intend to lay out for you in time, but the good news is that I'm here now, which means at the very least I made it through alive.
I want you to know who I am, really who I am, all the contradictions, the un-cool parts the embarrassing mistakes and yeah the beautiful parts, because for all of the ugliness it took to make me the man I am, it has been the beauty of the person I have always been that has sustained me, and dare I say helped me thrive. And as much as you'll let me, I want to know you too. Not just the beautiful romantic parts, but the less pleasant things. I want to know YOU, the honest you that loses herself in hope and finds herself in love. I want to know what you are afraid of, I want to know what makes you sad. I want to know when you first tasted your favorite ice cream I want to know YOU, I want to CARE about you, I want to know the moment you broke free of the stream. I want to know why you didn't wake me up before you left, I want to know that you're coming back
I think I'll make some breakfast now Crepes always make me smile I still smell Jennifer's hair
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
roxiekill:
<3
_tryst_:
hey there love, yeah itws been a while, but wanted to say hello, send some love and say thanks for the good wishes. My tests were inconclusive, and I have to wait 6 more months for another biopsy.... In the clear though, so thank you. 