Its been so long since I have updated so I have plenty to share.
Chapter 1: Untitled
Hmm...I have a quite possibly friend for life, and a lover for this time in it, C. I am physically attracted to her and I relate to her very much. We are do not hide much from eachother regarding others but return to our mutual attraction without much difficulty. She is much closer to a "primary" that one would have if they found themselves in a committed style relationship. Right now I have her cellphone so I will be getting going down to her place in a minute. She's 23 lives South where L (chapter 2) lives North, both a bike ride away. There is a hindoo superstition that depending on the direction your head faces when you sleep you will absorb something from that realm. The North represents death & dying, The South life & growing. I understand that I stand between these two things.
Does that mean I will find an East (knowledge) and West (tension & mystery)?
It frustrating that I cannot express to you who is reading this, the presence of C. I feel like everything I can say comes out coarse and falls short. Its about something for which new words and phrases have to be formed and of course that is what all of life is like. Drawing our lives out from the darkness of The Chora and earning language for ourselves. And if we are fools we will let our words grow stale and meaningless like names of strangers on some random headstones. I'm determined that even on the eve of destruction I will delve into the darkness for more undefined things. Its an essential me.
Yes there are many details, some very great, worth mentioning about this woman for which there is a readily available vocabulary but those are the icing. The prelingual is the pleasureable cake that I eat with her.
And furthermore she brought me sunflowers and saw into my soul all of which is in chapter 3..
Chapter 2: The Mask Woman
Anyway...there this 33 yo woman, L , who I am not very physically attracted to, but whenever I talk to her she brings out this amazing psycho-spiritual state in me that I am always amazed is still there. (I used to be a hindoo monk).
She works with a lot of very old and often demented people as a musical therapist and has witnessed alot of their final moments, and yet I seem to always seem to be the one "healing" her of her bio-clock dramas, which I sense have been very hard for her. I mean not by suggesting promises but getting her to be present tense and not past tense.
I imagine I will be weening her off of me but its nice to experience my own good influences. I like being a good example but I'm not a savior. You can't expect buy my milk right now...only drink it.
After a while I always feel that I want nothing more to do with her but then I get into a conversation with her and then its like I have become a clear pond where you can see all the way to the bottom. What is that? Its not exactly my concept of sexiness. Its more like a significant human connection, I guess. I suppose if she talks to a part of me she will be a part of me.
She is into masks. She collects them. I suppose she has a mask of an ordinary woman and perhaps she sees beyond my mask as well. Certainly a dying person can not hide behind a mask.
I certainly wouldn't call it "love" that thing we refer to when we want a precursor to a secure and committed relationship.
Chapter 3: The Birthing
I went to the emergency room yesterday morning. I woke up and gradually began to feel more and more as though some invisible person had my balls in a vulcan death grip.
By the time the paramedics came to and left me at the hospital I was biting a tounge depressor, sobbing, and writhing uncontrollably in pain.
This is when C brought me the sunflowers.
After questioning me on adminstrative details and what felt like passively conversing with me over and over again about the pian and recent event, they finally gave me morphine. It turns out I had kidney stone making a journey to my bladder, an agony that is supposedly comparable to passing a child through your cervix and vagina. My stepmother said it was worse but I will never know. All that I know was I have never ever known a place of such horrible misery as that morning. It was truly a visit to the inferno.
It either passed completely or made it to my bladder and I felt completely normal. Of course my mind erased the memory of the pain and C and I went for Peets cofee after and it was a beautiful day. We as humans could never live with those kind of memories and still function.
Now the dread is that if it hadn't already somehow, that any moment or day now, the wicked mineral deposit with pass through my cock in one last violent endorphine soaked nerve jarring terrible hurrah.
I feel like a man with a death sentence knowing this.
EDIT: Please forgive my lax editing.
Chapter 1: Untitled
Hmm...I have a quite possibly friend for life, and a lover for this time in it, C. I am physically attracted to her and I relate to her very much. We are do not hide much from eachother regarding others but return to our mutual attraction without much difficulty. She is much closer to a "primary" that one would have if they found themselves in a committed style relationship. Right now I have her cellphone so I will be getting going down to her place in a minute. She's 23 lives South where L (chapter 2) lives North, both a bike ride away. There is a hindoo superstition that depending on the direction your head faces when you sleep you will absorb something from that realm. The North represents death & dying, The South life & growing. I understand that I stand between these two things.
Does that mean I will find an East (knowledge) and West (tension & mystery)?
It frustrating that I cannot express to you who is reading this, the presence of C. I feel like everything I can say comes out coarse and falls short. Its about something for which new words and phrases have to be formed and of course that is what all of life is like. Drawing our lives out from the darkness of The Chora and earning language for ourselves. And if we are fools we will let our words grow stale and meaningless like names of strangers on some random headstones. I'm determined that even on the eve of destruction I will delve into the darkness for more undefined things. Its an essential me.
Yes there are many details, some very great, worth mentioning about this woman for which there is a readily available vocabulary but those are the icing. The prelingual is the pleasureable cake that I eat with her.
And furthermore she brought me sunflowers and saw into my soul all of which is in chapter 3..
Chapter 2: The Mask Woman
Anyway...there this 33 yo woman, L , who I am not very physically attracted to, but whenever I talk to her she brings out this amazing psycho-spiritual state in me that I am always amazed is still there. (I used to be a hindoo monk).
She works with a lot of very old and often demented people as a musical therapist and has witnessed alot of their final moments, and yet I seem to always seem to be the one "healing" her of her bio-clock dramas, which I sense have been very hard for her. I mean not by suggesting promises but getting her to be present tense and not past tense.
I imagine I will be weening her off of me but its nice to experience my own good influences. I like being a good example but I'm not a savior. You can't expect buy my milk right now...only drink it.
After a while I always feel that I want nothing more to do with her but then I get into a conversation with her and then its like I have become a clear pond where you can see all the way to the bottom. What is that? Its not exactly my concept of sexiness. Its more like a significant human connection, I guess. I suppose if she talks to a part of me she will be a part of me.
She is into masks. She collects them. I suppose she has a mask of an ordinary woman and perhaps she sees beyond my mask as well. Certainly a dying person can not hide behind a mask.
I certainly wouldn't call it "love" that thing we refer to when we want a precursor to a secure and committed relationship.
Chapter 3: The Birthing
I went to the emergency room yesterday morning. I woke up and gradually began to feel more and more as though some invisible person had my balls in a vulcan death grip.
By the time the paramedics came to and left me at the hospital I was biting a tounge depressor, sobbing, and writhing uncontrollably in pain.
This is when C brought me the sunflowers.
After questioning me on adminstrative details and what felt like passively conversing with me over and over again about the pian and recent event, they finally gave me morphine. It turns out I had kidney stone making a journey to my bladder, an agony that is supposedly comparable to passing a child through your cervix and vagina. My stepmother said it was worse but I will never know. All that I know was I have never ever known a place of such horrible misery as that morning. It was truly a visit to the inferno.
It either passed completely or made it to my bladder and I felt completely normal. Of course my mind erased the memory of the pain and C and I went for Peets cofee after and it was a beautiful day. We as humans could never live with those kind of memories and still function.
Now the dread is that if it hadn't already somehow, that any moment or day now, the wicked mineral deposit with pass through my cock in one last violent endorphine soaked nerve jarring terrible hurrah.
I feel like a man with a death sentence knowing this.
EDIT: Please forgive my lax editing.
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
josephene:
Great picture!!!! I love it! 
celluloid:
I think I like your picture better!!