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magnetic

Juneau, AK

Member Since 2005

Followers 23 Following 16

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Friday Oct 14, 2005

Oct 14, 2005
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So yesterday I was being all emo and I started to think about the last time that I actually was in love with someone and they were in love with me.
It was when I was in a relationship with Travis. Not many of you know him, in fact, unless you knew me when I lived in AK you probably have no idea who I'm talking about. Anyways, that's not really the point.
I basically was thinking about how awesome it was to be in love and how I haven't been able to have that feeling any other time. I've thought I was in love a few times since then, but when I compare the relationships, Travis was really the only person that I really loved.
It's funny too, because when I was with Travis all I wanted was to do was be with him, get married, even have kids and just be happy. I had goals too, but I was willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. As it turns out I did sacrifice quite a bit in our relationship, some of which I regret, but all in all I was really happy.
I remember the first time we said I love you's. It was very sappy. We were in bed talking about stuff and I asked him if I could tell him something and him not laugh or get weirded out. He said yes, and for the life of me I couldn't make the words come out. He teased me for being so closed mouth and I tried to explain that I just didn't want him to think I was being stupid... I opened my mouth to say I love you and he said, it's okay. I love you too.
I started crying. To this day, I have never felt that emotion. I haven't felt like I could melt.
When Travis broke up with me, I really had a rough time with it. I don't think I've been the same since then. It took me about 2 years to really want to love someone like that again. I met greg and we hung out and I wanted it to be a friends with benefits type thing. I didn't feel like I was ready to have a real relationship, but he pressed it. We dated for almost a year, and I did love him but it wasn't the same.
We are still friends and that's awesome... Since Greg I haven't really had a significant relationship. I've dated a few guys, some for a couple of months, a few for only a few days...
Now it's been almost 5 years since me and travis and I dream about having that love again. I know that I will never get married... and I don't want kids, but I want that love. I want the commitment from another person. I want the adoration and the security that comes along with knowing that you are significant to someone's life. I want to be loved.
I am so thankful that I have a family like set of friends. I would not be able to get through life with out the love that they give me, but I need more. I want more.
Yeah, I'm not sure why this all has been on my mind lately.. Usually I just think of sex, not love. I'm not sure why I want it so bad. It's not like I need someone to love me, but it sure would be a nice change.
I guess I just want someone to want me in their life. I need some validation of my womanhood or something.
I know, I'm a dork but I am female. I have too many hormones in my body that I can't ignore. I've tried. I've been ignoring them for the last 5 years.
I don't know if this means that I've finally healed or whatever from that relationship, because I don't think I will ever be able to trust someone like I trusted Travis before he shattered that trust.. but I feel like I am more able to open my heart now than ever before.

This can only mean one thing. I'm going to get my heart broken. ha, how's that for pessimism?

kamikaze_kid:
well the Isis kitty and I wish you the best of luck. Trust me I know how you feel on the whole deal. Atleast your willing to give it a shot though. Some people are never willing to trust relationships again. Keep it strong dear.
Oct 19, 2005
thearcanecircle:
It happens to the worst and the best of us. You have to be careful through. Usually when i feel like that i jump into somthing to quickly and things get crazy and i end up getting hurt. I really stopped looking i think. I just keep my friends and go on about my life. If i start thinking like you seem to be i just end up getting depressed..
Oct 22, 2005

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