So yesterday I was being all emo and I started to think about the last time that I actually was in love with someone and they were in love with me.
It was when I was in a relationship with Travis. Not many of you know him, in fact, unless you knew me when I lived in AK you probably have no idea who I'm talking about. Anyways, that's not really the point.
I basically was thinking about how awesome it was to be in love and how I haven't been able to have that feeling any other time. I've thought I was in love a few times since then, but when I compare the relationships, Travis was really the only person that I really loved.
It's funny too, because when I was with Travis all I wanted was to do was be with him, get married, even have kids and just be happy. I had goals too, but I was willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. As it turns out I did sacrifice quite a bit in our relationship, some of which I regret, but all in all I was really happy.
I remember the first time we said I love you's. It was very sappy. We were in bed talking about stuff and I asked him if I could tell him something and him not laugh or get weirded out. He said yes, and for the life of me I couldn't make the words come out. He teased me for being so closed mouth and I tried to explain that I just didn't want him to think I was being stupid... I opened my mouth to say I love you and he said, it's okay. I love you too.
I started crying. To this day, I have never felt that emotion. I haven't felt like I could melt.
When Travis broke up with me, I really had a rough time with it. I don't think I've been the same since then. It took me about 2 years to really want to love someone like that again. I met greg and we hung out and I wanted it to be a friends with benefits type thing. I didn't feel like I was ready to have a real relationship, but he pressed it. We dated for almost a year, and I did love him but it wasn't the same.
We are still friends and that's awesome... Since Greg I haven't really had a significant relationship. I've dated a few guys, some for a couple of months, a few for only a few days...
Now it's been almost 5 years since me and travis and I dream about having that love again. I know that I will never get married... and I don't want kids, but I want that love. I want the commitment from another person. I want the adoration and the security that comes along with knowing that you are significant to someone's life. I want to be loved.
I am so thankful that I have a family like set of friends. I would not be able to get through life with out the love that they give me, but I need more. I want more.
Yeah, I'm not sure why this all has been on my mind lately.. Usually I just think of sex, not love. I'm not sure why I want it so bad. It's not like I need someone to love me, but it sure would be a nice change.
I guess I just want someone to want me in their life. I need some validation of my womanhood or something.
I know, I'm a dork but I am female. I have too many hormones in my body that I can't ignore. I've tried. I've been ignoring them for the last 5 years.
I don't know if this means that I've finally healed or whatever from that relationship, because I don't think I will ever be able to trust someone like I trusted Travis before he shattered that trust.. but I feel like I am more able to open my heart now than ever before.
This can only mean one thing. I'm going to get my heart broken. ha, how's that for pessimism?
It was when I was in a relationship with Travis. Not many of you know him, in fact, unless you knew me when I lived in AK you probably have no idea who I'm talking about. Anyways, that's not really the point.
I basically was thinking about how awesome it was to be in love and how I haven't been able to have that feeling any other time. I've thought I was in love a few times since then, but when I compare the relationships, Travis was really the only person that I really loved.
It's funny too, because when I was with Travis all I wanted was to do was be with him, get married, even have kids and just be happy. I had goals too, but I was willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. As it turns out I did sacrifice quite a bit in our relationship, some of which I regret, but all in all I was really happy.
I remember the first time we said I love you's. It was very sappy. We were in bed talking about stuff and I asked him if I could tell him something and him not laugh or get weirded out. He said yes, and for the life of me I couldn't make the words come out. He teased me for being so closed mouth and I tried to explain that I just didn't want him to think I was being stupid... I opened my mouth to say I love you and he said, it's okay. I love you too.
I started crying. To this day, I have never felt that emotion. I haven't felt like I could melt.
When Travis broke up with me, I really had a rough time with it. I don't think I've been the same since then. It took me about 2 years to really want to love someone like that again. I met greg and we hung out and I wanted it to be a friends with benefits type thing. I didn't feel like I was ready to have a real relationship, but he pressed it. We dated for almost a year, and I did love him but it wasn't the same.
We are still friends and that's awesome... Since Greg I haven't really had a significant relationship. I've dated a few guys, some for a couple of months, a few for only a few days...
Now it's been almost 5 years since me and travis and I dream about having that love again. I know that I will never get married... and I don't want kids, but I want that love. I want the commitment from another person. I want the adoration and the security that comes along with knowing that you are significant to someone's life. I want to be loved.
I am so thankful that I have a family like set of friends. I would not be able to get through life with out the love that they give me, but I need more. I want more.
Yeah, I'm not sure why this all has been on my mind lately.. Usually I just think of sex, not love. I'm not sure why I want it so bad. It's not like I need someone to love me, but it sure would be a nice change.
I guess I just want someone to want me in their life. I need some validation of my womanhood or something.
I know, I'm a dork but I am female. I have too many hormones in my body that I can't ignore. I've tried. I've been ignoring them for the last 5 years.
I don't know if this means that I've finally healed or whatever from that relationship, because I don't think I will ever be able to trust someone like I trusted Travis before he shattered that trust.. but I feel like I am more able to open my heart now than ever before.
This can only mean one thing. I'm going to get my heart broken. ha, how's that for pessimism?
kamikaze_kid:
well the Isis kitty and I wish you the best of luck. Trust me I know how you feel on the whole deal. Atleast your willing to give it a shot though. Some people are never willing to trust relationships again. Keep it strong dear.
thearcanecircle:
It happens to the worst and the best of us. You have to be careful through. Usually when i feel like that i jump into somthing to quickly and things get crazy and i end up getting hurt. I really stopped looking i think. I just keep my friends and go on about my life. If i start thinking like you seem to be i just end up getting depressed..
