i used to blog on livejournal (yes, i know - lame - but i was like fifteen, cut me a break.) because i was hoping my friends would read it.
my best friend is in town for christmas and we've been stuck together like siamese twins pretty much since he came into town. a couple nights of drinking and a generally history between us and closeness has brought about some really good conversation.
he told me that he read a live journal i posted about him around when we first started hanging out about how i was excited to have the prospect of a really good friend like him and the sort. he told me about how when he read it he realized how much i needed a good friend and someone to protect and watch out for me. he made himself a promise to do just that and has kept it since. he's the most amazing person in my life. [[note: when i met him i was full-fledged lesbian, or at least i thought i was.]] it's nothing but amazing companionship [[when he's in the state]] and amazing times.
now i blog on this website because no one that knows me reads it. i can be honest and not have to hide or try to impress anyone. [[note: now i'm someone who disregards all 'sexuality' labels and just fuck and love whomever i choose, based on the person they are not based on their gender.]] i'm terrified. my out of state collegeboy best friend is constantly on my mind. just, in a way that i've tried so hard to squash in the last four years. a way that scares me, because i'm afraid of what i'll end up going through because he's got a girlfriend he loves dearly, and because even if he didn't it could ruin our friendship and he lives in the mid-fucking-west. i met him when i didn't want a single thing to do with any male in the universe, or so i thought. it was mainly teenage confusion and angst, but i really thought i was a lesbian. then he walks into my life. we're friends, we're hanging out, and i'm so fucking lost it's not funny. i'm not supposed to like guys. what is he doing in my head? why do i get flutters when he walks towards me. we've always been [[and i hope we always are]] very close friends. i put myself out there a few times, and he just didn't notice or feel like shutting me down so he didn't respond. then, i discovered that - WHAT? - i'm not gay. girls are all well and good, but boys are too. as soon as i'm out of the closet that i like boys i'm hoping he'll do something. a little time goes by and nothing. so, i decide once and for all, he doesn't see me that way and never will, so i try to squash those thoughts and just focus on being friends. that worked for a little while...
then, he comes into town this time and i realized how much i miss him when he's not here. i ache. we've gotten so much closer over the week-ish and i'm quite possibly falling in love with him all over again, but harder this time. i love his girlfriend, she and i get along great when i see her. i'e always been and always be more than a little jealous, but i thought i had mainly gotten over that. and me and him talk about our love lives to each other in a way that two guys who have never had the idea of ever hooking up would. now, i get excited when he says things with his girl are rocky. we're such phenomenal friends, and weird friends - lots of cuddling and intimacy that's always been there that i'll cry if i lose - but could we be something more? something better? should i not have given up the thoughts of him so quick? i spent the last two nights cuddled up with him on a couch watching movies and talking, and while i'm always happiest with him, it felt better than ever. he kissed my cheek before i left his parent's house today and i felt a tingle that went through my toes. OVER A KISS ON THE CHEEK. that has never happened with anyone but him. i want to be able to snuggle and kiss and everything sweet and romantic and girly that i have hated for so long. Ex always said i was never very affectionate and i knew it. i didn't care, i realized i was in that relationship for the sex and friendship. i never wanted to be affectionate to him, much less where people could see, and it would make me mad when he would get all sappy and whatnot with me. it just wasn't my thing. but Collegeboy brings it out in me. he makes me want to kiss him, not just fuck him - which don't get me wrong, it's like a song i can't get out of my head right now haha.
maybe it's just the things i've tried not to think about for so long they're bursting out and is tripping me up. maybe i'll be able to squash it again. or maybe i'll get my heart broken in one of these various possible ways: he marries his girlfriend, he doesn't feel the same, he gives it a shot and it ends terribly and our friendship with it, or a million other possibilities i don't want to think about. if he marries her, it'll crush me and i'll have to hide something from him for the first time, because if he's so happy and married and blissful he doesn't want to hear his best friend has been in love with him and never told him and he accidentally devastated her. i want him, but i want to not want him even more. this is crazy.
he keeps saying he wishes life could be more simple, and i couldn't agree with him more. my shroom fueled epiphany was that life is as simple as you make it. how the hell do i make this simple? get over it and let it pass? or go for it and hope for the best. you only live life once, so go for what you want, but what if i do and my one life has to be lived without him because i fucked things up? it's too much for me to think about right now.
my best friend is in town for christmas and we've been stuck together like siamese twins pretty much since he came into town. a couple nights of drinking and a generally history between us and closeness has brought about some really good conversation.
he told me that he read a live journal i posted about him around when we first started hanging out about how i was excited to have the prospect of a really good friend like him and the sort. he told me about how when he read it he realized how much i needed a good friend and someone to protect and watch out for me. he made himself a promise to do just that and has kept it since. he's the most amazing person in my life. [[note: when i met him i was full-fledged lesbian, or at least i thought i was.]] it's nothing but amazing companionship [[when he's in the state]] and amazing times.
now i blog on this website because no one that knows me reads it. i can be honest and not have to hide or try to impress anyone. [[note: now i'm someone who disregards all 'sexuality' labels and just fuck and love whomever i choose, based on the person they are not based on their gender.]] i'm terrified. my out of state collegeboy best friend is constantly on my mind. just, in a way that i've tried so hard to squash in the last four years. a way that scares me, because i'm afraid of what i'll end up going through because he's got a girlfriend he loves dearly, and because even if he didn't it could ruin our friendship and he lives in the mid-fucking-west. i met him when i didn't want a single thing to do with any male in the universe, or so i thought. it was mainly teenage confusion and angst, but i really thought i was a lesbian. then he walks into my life. we're friends, we're hanging out, and i'm so fucking lost it's not funny. i'm not supposed to like guys. what is he doing in my head? why do i get flutters when he walks towards me. we've always been [[and i hope we always are]] very close friends. i put myself out there a few times, and he just didn't notice or feel like shutting me down so he didn't respond. then, i discovered that - WHAT? - i'm not gay. girls are all well and good, but boys are too. as soon as i'm out of the closet that i like boys i'm hoping he'll do something. a little time goes by and nothing. so, i decide once and for all, he doesn't see me that way and never will, so i try to squash those thoughts and just focus on being friends. that worked for a little while...
then, he comes into town this time and i realized how much i miss him when he's not here. i ache. we've gotten so much closer over the week-ish and i'm quite possibly falling in love with him all over again, but harder this time. i love his girlfriend, she and i get along great when i see her. i'e always been and always be more than a little jealous, but i thought i had mainly gotten over that. and me and him talk about our love lives to each other in a way that two guys who have never had the idea of ever hooking up would. now, i get excited when he says things with his girl are rocky. we're such phenomenal friends, and weird friends - lots of cuddling and intimacy that's always been there that i'll cry if i lose - but could we be something more? something better? should i not have given up the thoughts of him so quick? i spent the last two nights cuddled up with him on a couch watching movies and talking, and while i'm always happiest with him, it felt better than ever. he kissed my cheek before i left his parent's house today and i felt a tingle that went through my toes. OVER A KISS ON THE CHEEK. that has never happened with anyone but him. i want to be able to snuggle and kiss and everything sweet and romantic and girly that i have hated for so long. Ex always said i was never very affectionate and i knew it. i didn't care, i realized i was in that relationship for the sex and friendship. i never wanted to be affectionate to him, much less where people could see, and it would make me mad when he would get all sappy and whatnot with me. it just wasn't my thing. but Collegeboy brings it out in me. he makes me want to kiss him, not just fuck him - which don't get me wrong, it's like a song i can't get out of my head right now haha.
maybe it's just the things i've tried not to think about for so long they're bursting out and is tripping me up. maybe i'll be able to squash it again. or maybe i'll get my heart broken in one of these various possible ways: he marries his girlfriend, he doesn't feel the same, he gives it a shot and it ends terribly and our friendship with it, or a million other possibilities i don't want to think about. if he marries her, it'll crush me and i'll have to hide something from him for the first time, because if he's so happy and married and blissful he doesn't want to hear his best friend has been in love with him and never told him and he accidentally devastated her. i want him, but i want to not want him even more. this is crazy.
he keeps saying he wishes life could be more simple, and i couldn't agree with him more. my shroom fueled epiphany was that life is as simple as you make it. how the hell do i make this simple? get over it and let it pass? or go for it and hope for the best. you only live life once, so go for what you want, but what if i do and my one life has to be lived without him because i fucked things up? it's too much for me to think about right now.