maggiecat

monday morning, and performed my random jog through the SG blogs, dropping thoughts and observations along the way. who will pick up my crumbs and follow them through the woods to my mysterious little house?

today my analyst cancelled, and probably will cancel tomorrow too. someone in her family is sick and needs care.

there was a great stretch of time when i felt relief when she cancelled, or went on vacation. i'd think, whew, now i've got some free time, too. as if i visited her for her sake and not mine. and when she asked me how i felt about her cancellations, i'd always blow it off and say it was no big deal. but then she'd ask a bit more and i'd start to get hostile--as in, i really, really have nothing more to say on this subject, honestly. you did what you had to do. it's over. let's move forward. and then she might get silent, and i'd really start to lose my cool, or try to talk about something else but feel like i couldn't not talk about her cancellation, and then i'd start blaming her for forcing me to talk about it when clearly I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

you get the picture. the whole experience has made me much more sensitive not just to what people say but to what they DON'T say. and it's up to me, in all my helpless sensitivity, to wonder if i should "go there." in other words, can I talk with this person here about what they aren't talking about in a way that doesn't intrude, or expose, or violate? do i trust myself enough to know where their privacy begins so i don't cross that line? can i listen enough to know when they want to talk about something and when they don't?

in other words: am i curious and interested in someone for their sake and not mine? the answer to this question spells the difference between creation and damage.