madshafter

So I'm writing this for no one, I'm just bored as hell and cant get super old problems off my mind. That being said anyone would first quess "a girl?", and if for some reason your reading this and you guessed that then yes your right, a girl. Oh how this girl played me and she doesnt seem to realise it. When I first met this girl (im not going to give her name becouse she knows some SG's) it was 2006 and I had just gotten back from Iraq. I met her and almost instantly fell in love. I saw her just about every weekend and I told everyone I knew about her, how cool she was and all that jazz. well this went on for a few years then I just so happen to move in next door to this amazing person. After about 2mo of living next door to her I couldnt take it anymore and one night in a drunkin stooper I told her how I felt. She didnt really have a reaction to it just kinda said ok and went to bed. However we started to hangout alot more, within a month we were thick as thieves. Then valentines day rolls around about a month and a half after I told her how I felt and I asked if her If it would be ok if I got her a little gift, nothing crazy. She said sure wich was cool cuz I already got her a cd that she had wanted but said she couldnt find anywhere. That night while lying in my bed bullshiting as we have done many times before,I took what I thought was a big gamble and I kissed her for the first time but that kiss didnt stop it just kept on going till we had oral sex and the whole time this is happening the only thing I could think was no way this is happening, this is fucking awesome! So for the next few months we were doing everything together, we went hiking, camping, road tripping, hell we bought plane tickets to Hawaii. .........................................................................

So I just got tired of typing this but long story short she cheated on me when she flew home to indiana one week and I have never felt so much pain in my life. My whole life with every relationship I'v had there was always always that barrier, my armor, my mental wall to prevent this from happening. But this one was like my criptonite, and I didnt realise it till it was too late. I let her in and let my mind run wild knowing she was too good for me or rather she was perfect for me but there were plenty of reasons why I could think that I wasnt quite the same for her. Now I'm not getting emo and saying I'm worthless and have no usefullness to women whatsoever but there are qualities that everyone looks for in a mate and some of the ones she was looking for I just seemed to lack.......

Once again I'm tired of typing this, i guess i just need to get it off my chest since really I have no one to talk to about it. She was my Best friend and pretty much my only real friend in LA. I dont really know anyone else here just aquaintances of other people I have briefly met along the way, no one I can really call a friend yet.

I dont know...I'v never really had much sympathy for the weak, and yet here I am being a little bitch over one girl, one shitty experience in my so far pretty decent life. I'v never really put to much thought into all the Iraq shit we saw and did, but this one little thing, this woman, this girl, has just seemend to turn me upsidedown.
Why? I ask myself to which I can only reply, "You broke your own rules, You cared too much, You let her in,...fool" But I cant think this way forever i suppose.

I think most people go through this in high school and at that time in our lives things hurt immensely for short periods of time or not really at all. But for me its my first heartbreak my first feeling of real actual "love" and it all went south and this is how I'm dealing with it. At first I was an emmotional wreck I mean I couldnt even listen to some songs we both liked without feeling really shitty and wanting to just cry and break everything, and that really sucked cuz both of our favorite bands is Deftones and now it sucks to listen to em'. But all that was months ago and now I just think about it. It doesnt really hurt anymore it just sucks still. I'm thinking about it more tonight though cuz I accedently stumbled upon pictures of her with her new boyfriend wich kinda hit home a bit. But oh well I dont care, sure I wish it was still me but she was a raging bitch to me some times and all I wanted after all the bullshit was to be friends and it workout fine until this new guy came along then she got really wierd. So I told her she didnt have to ever see or hear from me ever again on christmas and its been all quiet from her so far.

Oh well... I'm done here and If you read all this you must be really bored and probly a little confused cuz theres some gaps in that story, but really its just a case of a boy falling in love with a girl that wasnt.