5 years together….felt like a breath of fresh air compared to all my previous relationships. We were such a perfect pairing, always pushing one another to success, strong, happy, weird (of course in the good way), frequent and amazing sex; we worked through any hardships and always talked things out the best way we can. During the course of our relationship we even had a child together, even recent years we were planning for another (too soon to take a pregnancy test at home right now). We had our lives intertwined and mapped out with a general idea of where we were going and how we would try to get there.
So what happened?
After a week working into his new job (after not having one for years) he’s changed……Given he works 6 days a week and from morning till night (at a clothing store), it wasn’t the kind of change you’d expect from exhaustion or work related stresses alone. He grew distant, less affection and days would go by where I’d never see nor hear from him (we live separately but was planning to move in together soon). He started making claims on how he didn’t know what he wanted from life anymore, that work has changed him, he feels nothing towards anything at all. Some days he would never tell me if he loves me, it was like pulling teeth to get him to say anything like he used to. And if he ever did for even a brief moment in time he would find a way to butcher the moment, for example;
me- “Oh you know you love me”
him- “I do”
me- “and why is that, huh?”
him- “you know”
me- “so tell me, I’m curious”
him- “no”
me- “pleeeeeaaassseee baby”
him- “Because you’re the only girl in the world that has everything I ever wanted”
me- “aww that was sweet hun!”
him- “I guess, though you forced me to say it when i didn’t want to.”
me- “well there goes that cute moment…:(”
I would constantly hear from him that he’s unsure if he does or doesn’t want this relationship, but refuses to break up or take a break. Some days he says he wants space and others he wants me around more. When we’re face to face we are inseparable, laughing, kissing, and smiling, he often would apologize for his behavior and make promises that he’ll later back out on the second I return home. I’ve tried countless times discussing the issue but the more I reach out the worse we get. I would only get vague reasons for how he’s been feeling and acting but no more. On one occasion (a face to face conversation) he claimed everything was just work and family stresses, that he was pushing me away cause he didn’t want to hurt me cause we both know how he can get when he’s really angry. He makes a point to remind me of how he has to face these battles alone and figure things out, that I have nothing to worry about. At that time he claimed to have realize how he was acting and how it was doing damage to us and said he’ll correct his wrongs. That of course didn’t last long……
Friends speculated if there was another women in his life or interest, Truthfully I don’t know. I asked him about it the other night;
me- “Can i ask you something serious?”
him- “ok”
me- “is there another woman?”
him- “well that’s random, why do you ask”
me- “I have my reasons. I just need to know in all honesty….is there?”
him- “How do i even answer that?”
me- “it’s either YES or NO”
him- “No”
me- “no as in you won’t answer the question, or no as in there’s no other woman?”
him- “there’s no other woman”
His co-workers that i do know personally claim he’s often to himself and quiet. That there’s only one person he would talk to or hang with which was another guy. Some friends speculate that maybe his male co-worker is putting stuff in his head. Like looking down on him for settling down with one woman at a young age (he’s 25, and I was his only relationship he’s ever been in). Something like this has never been a problem before with us, he would always tell me before that he never wanted to date around or sleep with women randomly. That ever since high school he always wanted to be with me, but at the time we were just friends and i was committed to someone else. So he waited for me, and when i was single he asked me out…..he told me back then that he knew what he wanted and it was a life with me. So would that change now? was the judgment or opinion from a co-worker he’s only known for a few weeks now weigh that heavy on his mind that he’s unsure of us?
I didn’t know how or even where to begin to distance myself from someone that I love beyond any words could express. I know giving him space to possibly miss me would be the only real option I have to take. But how? I can’t help but tell him good morning everyday, ask hows work every night, see hows he doing and constantly fake being ok for the sake of not upsetting him. To just strike up random conversations all for the sake of him seeing that we’re ok and to stop pushing me away. Though we don’t talk much anymore I tried my best to make the most of it, tried showing him that if his life is so chaotic he at least had one thing that didn’t need to be.
How do I stop reaching out? Everyone says to let him be the first to initiate, but I keep fearing that he won’t. Keep fearing that if I leave it all in his hands he’ll just cast us to the side till one day telling me “it’s over” or he’s found someone new…..whilst I wait by the phone staring brokenly at our family photos….whilst I wait each day wondering if that last time we made love conceived a child….a second child he was asking weeks for…..till he changed. It would have been easier for me having the answer to all these questions. It would be easier on me if he would leave because at least THEN I would KNOW an answer. I would at least know I have to move on. I would at least know that all the effort I’ve been putting in wasn’t worth it anymore. I can’t bring myself to end our relationship, I’m not one to give up when things are rough. I want that to be HIS choice, so when he looks back on what could have been he’ll know it was his fault.
It hurts….knowing that just a month ago none of this was happening, we were great. just a month ago we were celebrating his new job, that just a month ago he was telling me to move in, have another baby and how happy he was to finally be able to provide in some way for us. Just a month ago we were cuddled up on his bed staring into each other’s eyes saying how in love we are, how grateful to have a each other……we were more then just lovers…..we were best friends.
It was just a month ago……
