maclay

I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking. I think I'm experiencing some of the effects of stress. I went out Thursday night and I'm pretty sure that I had something slipped into my drink, which isn't surprising because I was at JD's. For anyone reading this (I know, how presumptuous) outside of Regina and surrounding area, JD's is known for being kinda scummy. But I was in the mood for scummy, drunk fun. And much scummy, drunk fun was had- except even though I remember the car ride home, getting home, talking with Jim, trying to eat some toast with pb&j and then deciding I wasn't interested in eating and passing out, I was up for another 2 hours after that. Having a ton of sex, and being on the internet. And I don't remember anything after passing out. At all- it's like those hours of my life are completely gone. And I've drank a TON more than what I drank that night. I happened to meet up with my hairdresser there (she goes there every Thursday, she has a "friend" who is a bouncer there, and so on and so forth) and she pulled me away from the last dude I was talking to there, saying that he was creepy. I didn't think he was creepy at the time, but I am now wondering if she's basing her opinion of him on previous experience and observation.

I think Jim was kinda upset about it all-having sex with me while I was essentially unconscious, and the fact that I don't remember it probably hurts his feelings. He's just so nice. And loves the intimacy. I've decided intimacy is his fetish. According to him, I was as sentient as I was when I walked in the door. When I walked in the door, I was quite drunk, but still, you know, awake. I believe him, because he's refused to have sex with me before when I'm drunk and he's not. I guess I was being pretty persuasive- I really wish I could remember it. Apparently, it was rough, which I love, but don't get enough of. But really, can anyone have enough rough sex? In a way, it's kind of fun because I can make up what happened in my head.

I think I'm very, very lucky though- how many girls wake up in a stranger's bed, car, etc.? I'm very thankful Christina's lovah picked us up when he did, because who knows the badness that could have ensued?

Also, I need to tell my mom soon that Jim pays half the rent around here, as I will be back in school full time and she and my dad and grandparents will be footing my living expenses as they are ridiculously awesome and I am very spoiled. I don't want to take advantage of their kindness and sense of obligation, so I need to tell her she only needs to give me half my rent and bill money. Most people would be happy about this, but I suspect she will not be pleased as it implies we live together, which we obviously do, but in my family, we are all about the "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to all things scandalous. Of the two major things I've told her, one she didn't really think she needed to know (my love for the ladies, one lady in particular at the time), and the other she has major guilt issues over. I wonder if it would just be better to take the full amount, put it away in savings, and then tell her in a few months, when old Jim and I have been together longer. She wouldn't be so freaked out if we had been together for, say, a year or so. It's not the living in sin that she'll care about, it's the living in sin so early in a relationship that will make her unhappy. It freaked me out too, but it's actually worked out really nicely.

I wonder how my life might be different if I didn't have a family I felt the need to impress. What can't I be more underhanded? Why do they still hold so much power over me? Because I am a 21 year old baby, that's why.

It took me a half hour to write this. Maybe I can sleep for a couple hours now.