I either get hurt or hurt somebody else...so this is how it goes...
Last night, I had the horrible experience of hurting somebody. After a 2nd date, I unfortunately learned that I did not feel the same way they felt; I wanted friendship and she wanted more. So now, though not as potent as it was last night, I sit here, feeling like my heart is made of stone and it's just sitting in my body, taking up way too much space. The anxiety comes and goes. Sure, feeling like the scum of the earth because of this experience let's me know I'm not a heartless bastard like many, it sure doesn't feel good.
Yeah, I know I did the right thing by telling her NOW rather than later, but I know how badly that can hurt. And after telling me she wants to give up...definitely not a good night.
On the car ride back, thinking about my pseudo-long-distance relationship that fell through last month, I became very sad and I cried. Now, I am NOT trying to victimize myself in this blog. However, I can feel the walls I had built up around myself [heart, rather] a couple years ago slowly creeping back to me. I am fighting them. I know you can't love like that. But being 22 and never having had a relationship of any sort, sex or even a kiss gets to me sometimes. I know I can't throw in the towel; I'm too deserving and too young. But the long distance thing I almost had well, that was the first time I had felt something for someone in years. And it was strong. And I thought it was "meant to be." Obviously, that was not the case.
I live a blessed life and am so fucking fortunate for EVERYTHING I have, I know this. But stuff like this? Someone to be close to? Someone to hold, love, laugh with, fuck, etc, etc- never had it.
My mom said that I shouldn't feel incomplete without someone else, without my "special someone." A soul mate I guess you could say. I wanted to argue, saying how much I've grown since then, that I don't feel incomplete, that I KNOW I deserve someone and someone good, but I didn't. What if I still do feel that way? God I hope not.
<3 you all
MF
Last night, I had the horrible experience of hurting somebody. After a 2nd date, I unfortunately learned that I did not feel the same way they felt; I wanted friendship and she wanted more. So now, though not as potent as it was last night, I sit here, feeling like my heart is made of stone and it's just sitting in my body, taking up way too much space. The anxiety comes and goes. Sure, feeling like the scum of the earth because of this experience let's me know I'm not a heartless bastard like many, it sure doesn't feel good.
Yeah, I know I did the right thing by telling her NOW rather than later, but I know how badly that can hurt. And after telling me she wants to give up...definitely not a good night.
On the car ride back, thinking about my pseudo-long-distance relationship that fell through last month, I became very sad and I cried. Now, I am NOT trying to victimize myself in this blog. However, I can feel the walls I had built up around myself [heart, rather] a couple years ago slowly creeping back to me. I am fighting them. I know you can't love like that. But being 22 and never having had a relationship of any sort, sex or even a kiss gets to me sometimes. I know I can't throw in the towel; I'm too deserving and too young. But the long distance thing I almost had well, that was the first time I had felt something for someone in years. And it was strong. And I thought it was "meant to be." Obviously, that was not the case.
I live a blessed life and am so fucking fortunate for EVERYTHING I have, I know this. But stuff like this? Someone to be close to? Someone to hold, love, laugh with, fuck, etc, etc- never had it.
My mom said that I shouldn't feel incomplete without someone else, without my "special someone." A soul mate I guess you could say. I wanted to argue, saying how much I've grown since then, that I don't feel incomplete, that I KNOW I deserve someone and someone good, but I didn't. What if I still do feel that way? God I hope not.
<3 you all
MF
Doing the right thing, sometimes bites. For what little this is worth ... I am proud of you.