Raw & Un-Separated Feelings
I'm thankful for this place because I found in a whole heap of people two diamonds in the rough you and her.I found out how to feel and while as raw as they might be I now know how to deal with them rather than run away from them. Last but not least I found out who I am. The man that I want to be and can be. That other man the man I was has been left in the prison of what if's and never will be's. I thank God every day for this place and what it has offered me. That being said I also find it more difficult to find any reason for me to stay. Which is a good thing season’s pass and people move on it's natural. I have changed and the people around me have changed. I understand what you mean when you say go back to the place I was when I first came. I can and choose to go back to finding the good rather than harp on the bad. I thank you for that. However there comes a point in time when to stay would be detrimental, and that is where I find my self now. The fact of the matter is I am not the same person I was when I came down, I am so thankful for that and to try put into words how I feel couldn’t do justice to how I feel. My only regret is that my past took me to the darkest pit, the deepest recess of my own hell. A place that most people wouldn't be able to endure, and might likely never recover from. My biggest regret is having met you and her under these circumstances.That is the conundrum I find myself in. Had my past not been the way it was I would have never met you two…such is life, bittersweet. You are amazing. You reached me when I couldn't reach my self. You were a beacon of light that pulled me out of my own hell. Sometimes I curse you for turning me into someone who can cry as I am at this moment writing. It has to be said as uncomfortable as it is to write and have you read. When you left for Cambodia she was there for me as a sounding board. She is an amazing person. You both are the coolest chicks I have had the pleasure of getting to know. I got close to her. I liked hanging out with her as well as you. I was honest with her like I have never been with anyone with exception of you, of course, but it was a different kind of honest if that makes sense. Thinking only about my self was part of my hell. My friendship with her brought out feelings of caring for someone other than myself. The kind of caring that means genuinely caring for that person and their well-being. Wanting to go out of your way to make sure you are doing all you can to leave them in in a better state than when you last saw them, trying to never be the cause of pain. Part of why I feel hatred for this place now is because this place and I have caused her pain. The rumors floating around here are horrible and there is nothing I can do about them because to address them would do more harm than good. I'm completely helpless to do anything and, it kills me. I should have known better. I was selfish, and that kills me. So I feel incredibly guilty over what is happening to her. I feel like this place has taken from me someone that may have been a great friend and partner in life. So I don't know what to think. This as they say is the cross road thatI have come to. One road is the thankfulness I have for this place and all that it has offered and the other is complete and utter hatred and right now I'm straddling the line. I feel like crying when I think about how she is feeling and what she must be going through.