due to the DMV not following through, the license has been reordered and resent to me... and my birth certificate as well as any other information my father has is being mailed to me even though I live within 2 miles of him. also, he is not letting me see my little sister before I leave for New York and Greece. now the departure date is within 24 hours of receiving these two items.. better have the rest of my shit done in two weeks or less (was going to be a week from tonight).
part of me has no idea how he has such a lack of compassion for the fact that I am now three years removed from my flesh and blood relative (little sister, she is 12 now) and he still will not allow it.
I just hope he is receiving his kizmit - and I know he is, he has to live with my totalitarian nazi abuser - his third ex-wife now lifepartner. ha ha. 
my ass is all I have to say now... I only hope she (my little sister) comes and finds me later.. or I guess I could come get her in 6 years... who the fuck knows..
you only can see as far in the furture as the choices you will have to make are understood. anything else is still undecided.
and still I feel like I am loosing footing. I just let my Prince Charming go to dinner with my ex. alone, without me. god (with a little g) only knows what the conversations were.. and I find the more time passes that I do not see my Prince the more I fear a mutiny, they come from the same lineage but are very different people.. and I am discovering by the tidbits of bragging my ex has done that I understand very little about this man I have come to admire, belove, and look to with curiousity and very few answers. have I been so selfish and self-contained for so long that I never stopped to get to know him? how do you apologize to someone you hold so dear for five years of never giving them a chance to tell you their innermost demons while you rattle off about your own... am I really that selfish of a person?
I guess we can all ask these questions... the only difference is that I can only asnwer these for myself, no one else. No one else can help me with these life-changing realizations.. they ain't no good if you are taught them but never do the field training. it is the only way we learn our toughest lessons, the hard way - right? and in the end of the day, only you know if you learned your lesson right. only you know if you truly have been affected by whatever life has forced you to experience based on your decision making.. only you know.
as for the friends, we have most of the important ones covered... in the last few weeks I have seen most of the people I have to travel TO so the ones who have their own methods of transportation, they can visit in the last week or so I am here.. in Venice. there are a lot of people... and on the high note, I am getting better / maintaining better communications with the majority than ever before. the only problem is - that short coming gets in the way of my progress, and people get upset very easily.. it is hard to tell people "hey, better than two months of no word from me than a week and a half with a text message". it's all or nothing with some people - maybe I am just not that social *shrug*. or maybe not.
truth?
I feel more alone right now than I ever have been in the whole of adult existance.
"it's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.
and every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
... so tell me why ... your're gone?" (LIT)
I don't want to loose my Prince. I also know that it is not up to me, never has. he has always kept me around - me here and there but who am I gonna fool? he is everything I never knew I always wanted.. and even that remains to be seen. lately, I feel like a massive neuclear explosion and he is just trying shaking his head at me with his mind boggled. I fear he is disappointed with his investment in me. I fear loosing him in all this chaos I have chosen to cause in my life. and I fear that when he closes the door on me he will open a window to be close friends with my ex instead of me. that is what I fear the most.
grrr. telepathy would be great. I know it wouldn't solve anything - I'm not kidding myself there.
but I also can tell you it does not help knowing the truth of what people feel instead of hearing the words out of their mouths as truth. it really sucks actually.
for twenty seconds every day I wish I could be ignorant and in bliss. then I realize I would rather feel the way I do now , alone in the cold world, than be in a fog blind.
part of me has no idea how he has such a lack of compassion for the fact that I am now three years removed from my flesh and blood relative (little sister, she is 12 now) and he still will not allow it.
I just hope he is receiving his kizmit - and I know he is, he has to live with my totalitarian nazi abuser - his third ex-wife now lifepartner. ha ha. my ass is all I have to say now... I only hope she (my little sister) comes and finds me later.. or I guess I could come get her in 6 years... who the fuck knows..
you only can see as far in the furture as the choices you will have to make are understood. anything else is still undecided.
and still I feel like I am loosing footing. I just let my Prince Charming go to dinner with my ex. alone, without me. god (with a little g) only knows what the conversations were.. and I find the more time passes that I do not see my Prince the more I fear a mutiny, they come from the same lineage but are very different people.. and I am discovering by the tidbits of bragging my ex has done that I understand very little about this man I have come to admire, belove, and look to with curiousity and very few answers. have I been so selfish and self-contained for so long that I never stopped to get to know him? how do you apologize to someone you hold so dear for five years of never giving them a chance to tell you their innermost demons while you rattle off about your own... am I really that selfish of a person?
I guess we can all ask these questions... the only difference is that I can only asnwer these for myself, no one else. No one else can help me with these life-changing realizations.. they ain't no good if you are taught them but never do the field training. it is the only way we learn our toughest lessons, the hard way - right? and in the end of the day, only you know if you learned your lesson right. only you know if you truly have been affected by whatever life has forced you to experience based on your decision making.. only you know.
as for the friends, we have most of the important ones covered... in the last few weeks I have seen most of the people I have to travel TO so the ones who have their own methods of transportation, they can visit in the last week or so I am here.. in Venice. there are a lot of people... and on the high note, I am getting better / maintaining better communications with the majority than ever before. the only problem is - that short coming gets in the way of my progress, and people get upset very easily.. it is hard to tell people "hey, better than two months of no word from me than a week and a half with a text message". it's all or nothing with some people - maybe I am just not that social *shrug*. or maybe not.
truth?
I feel more alone right now than I ever have been in the whole of adult existance.
"it's no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.
and every now and then I kick the living shit out of me
... so tell me why ... your're gone?" (LIT)
I don't want to loose my Prince. I also know that it is not up to me, never has. he has always kept me around - me here and there but who am I gonna fool? he is everything I never knew I always wanted.. and even that remains to be seen. lately, I feel like a massive neuclear explosion and he is just trying shaking his head at me with his mind boggled. I fear he is disappointed with his investment in me. I fear loosing him in all this chaos I have chosen to cause in my life. and I fear that when he closes the door on me he will open a window to be close friends with my ex instead of me. that is what I fear the most.
grrr. telepathy would be great. I know it wouldn't solve anything - I'm not kidding myself there.
but I also can tell you it does not help knowing the truth of what people feel instead of hearing the words out of their mouths as truth. it really sucks actually.
for twenty seconds every day I wish I could be ignorant and in bliss. then I realize I would rather feel the way I do now , alone in the cold world, than be in a fog blind.
VIEW 26 of 26 COMMENTS
I never see you on AIM any more