JOURNAL:
****ADDED 10/21/04********************************
GOT ONE OF THE PICS FROM MY FAILED SET IN THE CONSTRUCTION SITE - SEE MY PICTURE FOLDER WITH THE REALITY PICTURES OF ME. I love it, too cute with the blonde.
**************************************************
Finally, Demonika's set is up. That girl has been waiting forever for her pics to be posted. ROCK ON girl. I am glad I am already friends with her, now I can say I knew her when.
The rain pours out here. Especially at night. I am listening to it in the dark and thinking about the last few months. I have come so far in the broken-hearted department... and I know I am okay now. The sobriety has made me take a new turn, I am starting to write again. The urge came to me last night in the early hours of the morning....
to hear the train on the tracks aways
the rain still falls on my window sill
darkness surrounds my shoulders
And I miss you.
cold damp air in my space
a light on the radio sends human voices
red numbers say 'a quarter past two'
And I miss you.
huddle the sheets like a fence from the night
small body sleep loyally at my side
only comfort to me are the memories
And I stop missing you.
~"Sober Night", 10/20/04
Winds pick up cold against my face, it cuts
the cold icy rain matts my hair knotted tight
splashing rain water, naked calves
jacket acts as a furnace
I am short of breath.
Legs burn hot despite the fog
the cool air in my lungs, tight surrounded by heat
eyes water and ears freeze to numb
tears in the rain stain
I am thinking of you.
wallowing in my misery
the body overcome by mind determined
the thoughts motivate and distract
ground crunches and quivers
my strength returns as I run.
~ "midnight wet run", 10/20/04
And this morning, the first time I have really been on my computer besides working, I signed on the AOLIM and saw my ex is online. I do not dare hit him up, I do not dare initiate a move in his direction. I refuse. I will not be the one to crawl back - and he is too drugged up to see me missing his company.
Not really. I do not miss his company now. The one I was in love with was sober, how he is now is nothing like the man I knew and wanted to pledge my life to. I get sick just thinking about it, what he does to his girl (passes her around to all his friend, shows everyone pics of him peeing on her and all sorts of nasty shit) - I do not judge but there is something called TACT! And class - none of which are in his realm right now. ~ It just makes me sad, just look at my list of vices (updated a lot of that little profile on the side last week BTW), sad/disappointed of the places my exs are now currently. :le sigh: It makes me sad to see such great wonderful people falling so miserably, but I could be wrong....
I might be.... but I doubt it.
Echo Park Guy is having a party on friday night.. the theme is "Barely Legal" and the interpetation of that theme is up to me. WHAT DO I WEAR?!?!? Come on SGers, let me hear some ideas, I need to be little miss slut tart for good reason.. let me explain....
there is this guy... that is how it always begins with me, right?
well, he is a friend I made when I was with my ex and, since I was always attached to the ex, he and I (instead of him trying to hit me up) became friends and always talked business. I love the guy, he is a 42 year old bachelor who lives in a huge mansion in the Marina who owns his own companies, does the partying all the time, and is the coolest guy I know with his accomplishments. I never thought I would want to sleep with him - he is hot for being at his point in life.. he is not old really when you put the two together - but sunday we hung out and I spent the night at his pad. And I wanted to do something but not, he let me shower and everything at his place and I shared his bed. We fell asleep (after smoking a bowl and talking about our exs a little bit) with our hands held together, fingers intertwined and resting on my shoulder. Nothing else touched out of respect I assume and I was so impressed. 
And god damn it, it made me like him more. FUCK! Like I need another one... but his ex and my ex, we all broke it off at the same time pretty much two months ago... and we both found common bitching grounds for about a half hour, we vented with each other. I really like him,... not sure if I want to sleep with him, but the possibility is a nice thought. 
My man, the one I am totally adoring and want to spend all my days with... Prince Charming, had his surgery over the weekend. It was supposed to be on thursday this week but he moved it up out of convenience.. and he did not call me.
So I wrote him an email on monday (since we were supposed to see each other this weekend) sort of calling him out on all this time we are SUPPOSED to be spending but he always cancels and then I was in town all weekend without a phone call. I was upset, this guy is supposed to hold me as the closest to him, he wants to be with me basically and I could not understand why he would not call me... so I get an email back after bitching him out semi-nicely telling me:
"I just got home. I'm fine. I do miss you. I feel bad for not telling you but you sounded so freaked out whenever we talked... I called you once and got VM so I decided to just deal with it on my own....Feeling more and more guilty about that as I write this. I should have told you. I didn't realize 'til right now that I would feel bad about it. Guess you are getting under my skin."
There was more said but I wanted the point to be made. And on that note, I end this entry just with a
and a to let you all know one thing....
As long as I have this site here, all my real thoughts and ideas will be entered here for all to see. Anyone involved in my personal reality based life should know... this is my head. This is EVERYTHING I CHOOSE TO ENTERTAIN. It is true, I think I might be falling for the one guy I always wanted... but until I am sure, I better entertain myself.
I realized that I have never been in love. I have never felt that want to fall into someone's arms and "control" for lack of a better word and not care about the consequences. I have never let go, never once. And that is why I know my first true love is still out there - once I can stop playing the game and tear down these walls of defense. Dost thou agree?
Savvy? Mahalo lovers,
~ the angel*
****ADDED 10/21/04********************************
Today is my stepfather's birthday. He is now 61 years old. I decided I need to get out of the house by the end of the year, he is killing my social life - which is important. I know I will be able to get a job now... I need to do more with my time.. not this accounting bullshit alone. So to Claremont I go today after this little job I am doing for $25 a day... being watchdod at this girl's house while her mom is resting (chemotheropy)... anyway, yeah. I am done. Also check out the new pic of me. The ex sent an email last night apparently - with that. Cute, I know. It is in my Picture Folders of the Reality Pictures of me. It's hot.
****ADDED 10/21/04********************************
GOT ONE OF THE PICS FROM MY FAILED SET IN THE CONSTRUCTION SITE - SEE MY PICTURE FOLDER WITH THE REALITY PICTURES OF ME. I love it, too cute with the blonde.
**************************************************
Finally, Demonika's set is up. That girl has been waiting forever for her pics to be posted. ROCK ON girl. I am glad I am already friends with her, now I can say I knew her when.
The rain pours out here. Especially at night. I am listening to it in the dark and thinking about the last few months. I have come so far in the broken-hearted department... and I know I am okay now. The sobriety has made me take a new turn, I am starting to write again. The urge came to me last night in the early hours of the morning....
to hear the train on the tracks aways
the rain still falls on my window sill
darkness surrounds my shoulders
And I miss you.
cold damp air in my space
a light on the radio sends human voices
red numbers say 'a quarter past two'
And I miss you.
huddle the sheets like a fence from the night
small body sleep loyally at my side
only comfort to me are the memories
And I stop missing you.
~"Sober Night", 10/20/04
Winds pick up cold against my face, it cuts
the cold icy rain matts my hair knotted tight
splashing rain water, naked calves
jacket acts as a furnace
I am short of breath.
Legs burn hot despite the fog
the cool air in my lungs, tight surrounded by heat
eyes water and ears freeze to numb
tears in the rain stain
I am thinking of you.
wallowing in my misery
the body overcome by mind determined
the thoughts motivate and distract
ground crunches and quivers
my strength returns as I run.
~ "midnight wet run", 10/20/04
And this morning, the first time I have really been on my computer besides working, I signed on the AOLIM and saw my ex is online. I do not dare hit him up, I do not dare initiate a move in his direction. I refuse. I will not be the one to crawl back - and he is too drugged up to see me missing his company.
Not really. I do not miss his company now. The one I was in love with was sober, how he is now is nothing like the man I knew and wanted to pledge my life to. I get sick just thinking about it, what he does to his girl (passes her around to all his friend, shows everyone pics of him peeing on her and all sorts of nasty shit) - I do not judge but there is something called TACT! And class - none of which are in his realm right now. ~ It just makes me sad, just look at my list of vices (updated a lot of that little profile on the side last week BTW), sad/disappointed of the places my exs are now currently. :le sigh: It makes me sad to see such great wonderful people falling so miserably, but I could be wrong....
I might be.... but I doubt it.
Echo Park Guy is having a party on friday night.. the theme is "Barely Legal" and the interpetation of that theme is up to me. WHAT DO I WEAR?!?!? Come on SGers, let me hear some ideas, I need to be little miss slut tart for good reason.. let me explain....
there is this guy... that is how it always begins with me, right?
well, he is a friend I made when I was with my ex and, since I was always attached to the ex, he and I (instead of him trying to hit me up) became friends and always talked business. I love the guy, he is a 42 year old bachelor who lives in a huge mansion in the Marina who owns his own companies, does the partying all the time, and is the coolest guy I know with his accomplishments. I never thought I would want to sleep with him - he is hot for being at his point in life.. he is not old really when you put the two together - but sunday we hung out and I spent the night at his pad. And I wanted to do something but not, he let me shower and everything at his place and I shared his bed. We fell asleep (after smoking a bowl and talking about our exs a little bit) with our hands held together, fingers intertwined and resting on my shoulder. Nothing else touched out of respect I assume and I was so impressed. And god damn it, it made me like him more. FUCK! Like I need another one... but his ex and my ex, we all broke it off at the same time pretty much two months ago... and we both found common bitching grounds for about a half hour, we vented with each other. I really like him,... not sure if I want to sleep with him, but the possibility is a nice thought.
My man, the one I am totally adoring and want to spend all my days with... Prince Charming, had his surgery over the weekend. It was supposed to be on thursday this week but he moved it up out of convenience.. and he did not call me.
So I wrote him an email on monday (since we were supposed to see each other this weekend) sort of calling him out on all this time we are SUPPOSED to be spending but he always cancels and then I was in town all weekend without a phone call. I was upset, this guy is supposed to hold me as the closest to him, he wants to be with me basically and I could not understand why he would not call me... so I get an email back after bitching him out semi-nicely telling me:
"I just got home. I'm fine. I do miss you. I feel bad for not telling you but you sounded so freaked out whenever we talked... I called you once and got VM so I decided to just deal with it on my own....Feeling more and more guilty about that as I write this. I should have told you. I didn't realize 'til right now that I would feel bad about it. Guess you are getting under my skin."
There was more said but I wanted the point to be made. And on that note, I end this entry just with a
and a to let you all know one thing....
As long as I have this site here, all my real thoughts and ideas will be entered here for all to see. Anyone involved in my personal reality based life should know... this is my head. This is EVERYTHING I CHOOSE TO ENTERTAIN. It is true, I think I might be falling for the one guy I always wanted... but until I am sure, I better entertain myself.
I realized that I have never been in love. I have never felt that want to fall into someone's arms and "control" for lack of a better word and not care about the consequences. I have never let go, never once. And that is why I know my first true love is still out there - once I can stop playing the game and tear down these walls of defense. Dost thou agree?
Savvy? Mahalo lovers,
~ the angel*
****ADDED 10/21/04********************************
Today is my stepfather's birthday. He is now 61 years old. I decided I need to get out of the house by the end of the year, he is killing my social life - which is important. I know I will be able to get a job now... I need to do more with my time.. not this accounting bullshit alone. So to Claremont I go today after this little job I am doing for $25 a day... being watchdod at this girl's house while her mom is resting (chemotheropy)... anyway, yeah. I am done. Also check out the new pic of me. The ex sent an email last night apparently - with that. Cute, I know. It is in my Picture Folders of the Reality Pictures of me.
It's hot.VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
i am a born and raised baseball fan. i detest the yankees. i get happy when the sox win even though i am a mets fan. that is all.