m_bethany

JOURNAL:

the In the Zone themed entry.....

"You're toxic, I'm slippin' under...
I'm addicted to you but I know that you're toxic"

I love Britney. She is so white trash in the way she cannot be helped by her publicist or her mother. I love that about her, she just does - and does not care anymore. I hope she is happy with her little drug addict husband. He probably gets her all the coke she wants.

Part of me is jealous. Just a little.

So I was a little hungover the last time I posted here and, being slightly delirious and taking my lunch break, I was watching Life Or Somthing Like It with Angie and there is a scene where she is chilling in her house with her little glasses on and a Social Distortion t-shirt while blaring "Story of My Life". I was so happy that I almost cried... you all know how much I love Angie (Angelina Jolie for those of you) and then to see that, her in a Social D shirt, I thought of my ex. So I called his phone not remembering at that moment he is still mad at me for some bullshit over last weekend (I think I posted it last entry) so I called and told him what I was watching and then he asked slowly, "Why are you calling me?" since I admitted I knew he was pissed off at me... and he had returned my call after I left a message so I retorted, "Why did you call me back if you were not talking to me?" and his response? "I was curious". BLAH! Well, to clear the air, I apologized for the misunderstanding, explained some shit about the other girl that night who was talking shit and then offered to apologize to his girl for ... well, whatever she was mad at me for (yes, that is what I said). my ass to him sort of. He did not know how to react, I do not think he expected me to even admit fault. I just wanted to be the bigger person here... and it worked. I was done and I just said, "Okay, well - a little help here... can I get a response?" and he said he did not know what to say... so I told him he can call me when he wants to... FIN.

So that is done. And Britney's "Toxic" was in my head for him... I know he is no good for me at all but I still am drawn. Not really anymore. He looks like shit.

"I don't really want to be a tease,
Would you undo my zipper please?"

Went to Knotts Scary with printgod on Thursday night instead of Vegas all weekend (I am kicking myself still okay? my damn pride..) and had a blast.... although I have to say... we got all couple-y at the park and stuff.... I just have a really hard time being that way with someone. It scares me ... and I do not want to deal with someone else's feelings because they had the gusto to fall for me... but thankfully, I already put the warning up and he is aware of the casualness of our relationship... met his girl Bridget though - she was cool as shit. Cannot wait to spend more time with her, she was going to be my girl companion on the Vegas trip too... DOH! :smacks forehead:

Knotts was cool though, saw the Ed Alfanzo show and his assistant - BARBIE, such a hottie! Oh My GOAWD! I wanted to take her home so much. Actually, I wanted to take about 12 people home that night... a seductress vamp in the Vampire Maze, the three wenches in the Pirate maze (almost too), the assistant girl BARBIE (such a hottie, I swear!), a plain clothed little hottie working in the Jaguar I like to call Kate, one of printgod's roomie's friends Michelle who lives in Chino Hills (really really hott!), a cutie guy I saw near the Ghostrider early on in the evening, and about three hotties that were with these ugly girls I saw walking by the Rip Tide/Boomerang area... they were all hotties. And I got to meet some friends of printgod's, these really cool chicks and they have my number now. I hope they call me. But yeah, I was prowling big time with a guy on my arm. HA! It was fun though, nice to go when it is not that crowded. Thanks for the good times babe! And the nice 2am bedplay as well... ha ha!

"don't even need to touch me baby -
just breathe on me.... we don't need to touch"

Friday night, I spent it in Los Angeles. My ex-roomie Shannon (little spunky redhead hottie) and I met up with my buddy on this site icariancypher that I have known for quite a while and have had an obsessive crush on since... well, we kissed the first time. Much drama in the past.. but he has been one of the best guy friends I have ever had. He calls me his sister but I always have to remind him it is very incestuous. Basically, I want to fuck him. I have never had the chance to do it and that is basically the challenge: he will not let me. We have fooled around and his kiss just makes me melt, his biting is the best and only way I get turned on (sorry people, he just knows how I like it), and I have never been so turned on sexually and been more aware of two bodies intertwined than with him - aka THE BEST SEXUAL CHEMISTRY. We could never be together though (lots of reasons, too long). And whenever I get drunk, I hit on him repeatedly. Like direct address of my wants.. and he refuses. I KNOW for a FACT that if I stopped doing that and just kicked it.. if he has any inclination then it would happen. But I just shoot myself in the foot everytime. And he is entertained mostly. Basically, I ended up following my pattern that night and felt the embarassment in the AM. Again. But he never gives in, and I thank god for that sometimes. I want him to want me, not just a one way street. So I have to box that up and put it in storage with no expiration date. Maybe someday, but no guarentees... Savvy? I just hope I can stop hitting on him.... damn it!

"Grab my waistline... take it low to the floor"

I want to go dancing here soon. I need to. I have a little tight body and I am getting the Brunette done on Tuesday!! I am so excited! Kim Vo (some shi-shi colorist who does Paris Hilton and Christina Agulera) is doing it so it has got to be good... and I am not paying for it! Yeah! So as soon as I figure out my scanner and get pics, they will be up. I so cannot wait! I am going to be so hot and pimped, I am so partying it up on that friday night... I want to have a huge dinner someplace as soon as I get paid so I can show off my new hair :claps hands in excitement:.

Went and saw that Body Works exhibit at the California Science Museum on friday with Franco, one half of that couple I am in love with in Silverlake. It is the coolest thing I have ever seen. I suggest you all go see it if you can. Look it up, check it, it is so amazing. I told Franco we have to go to another museum again, that was too much fun. I love hanging out with him, he rocks so much. If he was not married PERIOD, I would date him. But his wife is one of my best friends and I love her so much, I just have to settle for fucking both of them when I feel the inclination. No really, I am not kidding.

There is a lot of talking and figuring things out and tears, crying etc that happened to me on saturday. But instead of giving all the details, I spent 5 hours talking with my stepdad about a whole shitload of stuff - mostly since he "accidently" poped up this page and read my last entry... yeah, that sucked a lot. But he did say that I am free, white, and over 21 so it is my life. We clarified a lot. And I also realized a big thing I need to work on.......

I do not know how to be close with anyone. And now that I am off the drugs I was doing... I am feeling more of the world than I have in over 2 years. And the flood gates are open, the meaningless sex I have been having is my way of exerting my prowess when, really, I just cannot be close with anyone at all. I have never let anyone in... because I do not know how. At all.

I have no close girlfriends, not really, and I have never been close in the ultimate sense of the word with anyone I have been involved with... maybe except Prince Charming. And if I want to commit to him, I need to break down my walls that have been there for my whole life so I can let him in... but I do not know how.

Theropy. I am thinking that is the only way. :sigh: There are so many arms and legs involved in this subject and this entry is already too long... so perhaps another time.

Thanks for the posts and the suggestions... I love this web community and appreciate the supporters I have for my journals. You make my day, every post I read.

Thank you. Mahalo lovers.
~ the angel*

"She wants a good time
No need to rewind
She needs to really really find what she wants
She lands on both feet
Wont take a back seat
Theres a brave new girl
And shes comin out tonight

Shes gonna step outside
Uncover her eyes
Who knew she could feel so alive
Her M.O.s changed
She dont wanna behave
Aint it good to be a brave girl tonight"