JOURNAL:
The job continues today... there are moments like now where I wonder if I truly know what I am doing... and then I realize I think that about everything about once a day... including in the bedroom.
My weekend... well, here goes...
Had dinner with my buddy from Venice (used to live a stone's throw away from him - literally) and his girlie, their friends and my ex... he brought my replacement. With all the things I hear from him, I never really believe them (ex: "we broke up, I can see whomever I want" followed by later "we broke up on friday"). The two of them were very "couple"-y and I had to sit next to her. Fucking great. I behaved, I was cordial and curtious... but I did not start conversation and pretend like I gave a shit... was just nice.
She did a home made version of two-tone in her hair... similar to mine (but a little not professional... yeah not going to put more karma in the world for me.. it did not look "savvy"). Very interesting.. Good thing mine is changing on the 15th even though I was two tone most of my relationship with my ex... it was funny though. I am complimented but also just had to laugh... so why was I so uncomfortable? (No really, what is my insecurity?!?! Esp. after that?!?)
After dinner, my car was stuck in a locked garage in Beverly Hills. So between that and being tanked ("dealing" with the uncomfortable position)... my friend and his girl invited me over for an after-dinner smoke. I hit the couch and fell asleep, I was so exhausted... might have been the 2 glasses of wine and the 3 martinis though...
When I woke up, my friend had to drive me to Beverly Hills from Venice to get the car... and he had an appointment at 11 am. Well, why the fuck did we wake and bake? And they did not clue me in to leave... so we were rushing...
Now I do not get threatened or scared very often. But when I do, it happens about next to never. My friend was driving so chaotically and maniac-like, we ran a few stop lights and his justification was "if you do not see the sirens, you are okay" and his girl is encouraging this as we make a left on Olympic from Robertson in a red.. I am sitting on the right side of the rear of the car... my life in jeapardy.. and his girls. Amongst this erratic driving ( I am a maniac on the road but I do not run lights or cut people off like this... or endanger friends lives) he is talking about how to properly raise children ("Kids are like dogs, they respect authority" ) and, in the same breath, about partying in that special way only I know how to, the idea of "survival of the fittest" and then how he was late to his appointment (like I said, someone should have clued my pothead ass in). With the material benefits I have seen this guy acquire through the course of our friendship, he has become the deviency in society.. and he wants to have children... I know my description does not give you an idea of the intensity that the chosen subjects impacted on my brain - but the combination made me want to get out of the car immediately. I felt trapped and threatened (and this is my good friend... someone I trusted to be a good person).... which is not common at all and I was scared. I had the future of my beloved Los Angeles in my eyes and I saw a world very similar to a mix between The Fifth Element and Judge Dredd. Funny how a little pot and a lot of crap hitting your system makes you feel that way... it just hit me so hard... and with the parenting comment, I had flashes to my childhood. 
So it was not HIS fault, but it still was very intense...
So intense I had a panic attack. I was trying to leave the parking garage at the restaurant and the money I had set aside for the bill was not in my purse... whether it was by accident or on purpose, the money I had to pay for parking was gone. And I was on the edge of a break down... so between blocking the exit and then having to figure it out, I broke down in tears when I was with the cashier and she inquired on why I was so shaken up... so I told her.
And she offered to pay the $4 I had not since I had such a horrible experience... so I have to drive out saturday to pay her back even though she said it was okay... and I just broke down when I got back into my car....
a good thing to balance the bad. That was the act of kindness to take the faith I had in the world that I lost in the car ride and put it right back where it belongs... in my idealist vision. There has to be something looking out for each of us. I needed that so much.. it did not have to happen, but it did. And I believe that things will be okay still.... eventually.
One act of kindness makes the whole day for someone you do not even know. One of the lessons I am sure.
So on my drive home... I had to pull over on Beverly Glen and Pico, I had a panic attack. Like, heavy breathing, tears, faint, etc. I freaked out. No joke. And it happened twice on my drive home, so bad I pulled off the freeway both times. But I talked to my friend Erin (girlie out here in the 909) and Jennifer (the one in Oregon), they calmed me down. Erin literally had to tell me "just breathe, calm down and just breathe", never had anyone do that for me when I could not - always had to handle my own shit... interesting. I smoked a cigarette, headed home, and just tried to stay calm and hold on to the things that I realized while freaking out.
1) Los Angeles had gotten worse socially. People just do not give a shit or even respect authority. Hell, it is just a "No one saw, did not happen" free for all and I cannot stand that truth.. but there it is.
2) My friends will eventually have children. I had this idea that it was automatic for one to give up such things as partying and being irresponsible for the right to be a parent. But how soon I forget - that is not a right, it is a given any person can have... sad to say.
3) People change. There is nothing you can do about it except change with them or without. Sad that it must come to that, but it is true. I am sure I lost people when I was partying that I have not realized yet...
4) The world is how you live it. You can be a good person to all you encounter and just believe that you being loving and caring is for the benefit of the receiver, not that karma or kizmit will "pay you back". What you put into the world you will receive back times three. One of my lessons (again).
5) Whether you like it or not, you will never truly know your friends. They change faster than you do.. it is whether you grow together or apart that matters... and being able to know when to let go.
Speaking of which, my girlie Erin called my Ex-ex yesterday for me... he was always trying to get me out of Los Angeles so shit like that would not happen (think about it, if someone had ran one of those lights? I would be dead... really) and we would argue about it all the time when we were together... well, I had her call him and tell him he is right NOW. Not 3 years ago, but now he is. Well, he left me a message last night on my celly expressing concern and promising to call me once more before he ships out on November 9th. And I have missed him, he was my BFF before we were together and we were together regardless for 3 years. We broke up right before New Years of 2002-2003. And then I started dating the last ex almost immediately,... :shakes head: sorry guys if following this shit is crazy... nice try though! But that was a nice phone call even though his stuck up ass is going to try and claim "right". Bastard. At least he cared enough to call me.
And as I write this, my ex had the balls to IM me with the question of why I was not nicer to his girl... hm, just because we have slept together (could possibly be in the department of "sleeping") does not mean I have to be nice to the girl you are lying to. Yeah, I should tell him that... and I think I will. Oh, and someone stuck him with a $200 bill... nice. So that side I saw of my buddy was reflected accross the table.... great.
Did get a little dub this weekend, paid off the amount I smoked at
Echo Park guy's house so I think I am even around town... back to the ex on AOLIM. Peace out my peoples..
Mahalo, just post your opinions.. I do not care what they say, just post them.
~ the angel*
The job continues today... there are moments like now where I wonder if I truly know what I am doing... and then I realize I think that about everything about once a day... including in the bedroom.
My weekend... well, here goes...
Had dinner with my buddy from Venice (used to live a stone's throw away from him - literally) and his girlie, their friends and my ex... he brought my replacement. With all the things I hear from him, I never really believe them (ex: "we broke up, I can see whomever I want" followed by later "we broke up on friday"). The two of them were very "couple"-y and I had to sit next to her. Fucking great. I behaved, I was cordial and curtious... but I did not start conversation and pretend like I gave a shit... was just nice.
She did a home made version of two-tone in her hair... similar to mine (but a little not professional... yeah not going to put more karma in the world for me.. it did not look "savvy"). Very interesting.. Good thing mine is changing on the 15th even though I was two tone most of my relationship with my ex... it was funny though. I am complimented but also just had to laugh... so why was I so uncomfortable? (No really, what is my insecurity?!?! Esp. after that?!?)
After dinner, my car was stuck in a locked garage in Beverly Hills. So between that and being tanked ("dealing" with the uncomfortable position)... my friend and his girl invited me over for an after-dinner smoke. I hit the couch and fell asleep, I was so exhausted... might have been the 2 glasses of wine and the 3 martinis though...
When I woke up, my friend had to drive me to Beverly Hills from Venice to get the car... and he had an appointment at 11 am. Well, why the fuck did we wake and bake? And they did not clue me in to leave... so we were rushing...
Now I do not get threatened or scared very often. But when I do, it happens about next to never. My friend was driving so chaotically and maniac-like, we ran a few stop lights and his justification was "if you do not see the sirens, you are okay" and his girl is encouraging this as we make a left on Olympic from Robertson in a red.. I am sitting on the right side of the rear of the car... my life in jeapardy.. and his girls. Amongst this erratic driving ( I am a maniac on the road but I do not run lights or cut people off like this... or endanger friends lives) he is talking about how to properly raise children ("Kids are like dogs, they respect authority" ) and, in the same breath, about partying in that special way only I know how to, the idea of "survival of the fittest" and then how he was late to his appointment (like I said, someone should have clued my pothead ass in). With the material benefits I have seen this guy acquire through the course of our friendship, he has become the deviency in society.. and he wants to have children... I know my description does not give you an idea of the intensity that the chosen subjects impacted on my brain - but the combination made me want to get out of the car immediately. I felt trapped and threatened (and this is my good friend... someone I trusted to be a good person).... which is not common at all and I was scared. I had the future of my beloved Los Angeles in my eyes and I saw a world very similar to a mix between The Fifth Element and Judge Dredd. Funny how a little pot and a lot of crap hitting your system makes you feel that way... it just hit me so hard... and with the parenting comment, I had flashes to my childhood. So it was not HIS fault, but it still was very intense...
So intense I had a panic attack. I was trying to leave the parking garage at the restaurant and the money I had set aside for the bill was not in my purse... whether it was by accident or on purpose, the money I had to pay for parking was gone. And I was on the edge of a break down... so between blocking the exit and then having to figure it out, I broke down in tears when I was with the cashier and she inquired on why I was so shaken up... so I told her.
And she offered to pay the $4 I had not since I had such a horrible experience... so I have to drive out saturday to pay her back even though she said it was okay... and I just broke down when I got back into my car....
a good thing to balance the bad. That was the act of kindness to take the faith I had in the world that I lost in the car ride and put it right back where it belongs... in my idealist vision. There has to be something looking out for each of us. I needed that so much.. it did not have to happen, but it did. And I believe that things will be okay still.... eventually.
One act of kindness makes the whole day for someone you do not even know. One of the lessons I am sure.
So on my drive home... I had to pull over on Beverly Glen and Pico, I had a panic attack. Like, heavy breathing, tears, faint, etc. I freaked out. No joke. And it happened twice on my drive home, so bad I pulled off the freeway both times. But I talked to my friend Erin (girlie out here in the 909) and Jennifer (the one in Oregon), they calmed me down. Erin literally had to tell me "just breathe, calm down and just breathe", never had anyone do that for me when I could not - always had to handle my own shit... interesting. I smoked a cigarette, headed home, and just tried to stay calm and hold on to the things that I realized while freaking out.
1) Los Angeles had gotten worse socially. People just do not give a shit or even respect authority. Hell, it is just a "No one saw, did not happen" free for all and I cannot stand that truth.. but there it is.
2) My friends will eventually have children. I had this idea that it was automatic for one to give up such things as partying and being irresponsible for the right to be a parent. But how soon I forget - that is not a right, it is a given any person can have... sad to say.
3) People change. There is nothing you can do about it except change with them or without. Sad that it must come to that, but it is true. I am sure I lost people when I was partying that I have not realized yet...
4) The world is how you live it. You can be a good person to all you encounter and just believe that you being loving and caring is for the benefit of the receiver, not that karma or kizmit will "pay you back". What you put into the world you will receive back times three. One of my lessons (again).
5) Whether you like it or not, you will never truly know your friends. They change faster than you do.. it is whether you grow together or apart that matters... and being able to know when to let go.
Speaking of which, my girlie Erin called my Ex-ex yesterday for me... he was always trying to get me out of Los Angeles so shit like that would not happen (think about it, if someone had ran one of those lights? I would be dead... really) and we would argue about it all the time when we were together... well, I had her call him and tell him he is right NOW. Not 3 years ago, but now he is. Well, he left me a message last night on my celly expressing concern and promising to call me once more before he ships out on November 9th. And I have missed him, he was my BFF before we were together and we were together regardless for 3 years. We broke up right before New Years of 2002-2003. And then I started dating the last ex almost immediately,... :shakes head: sorry guys if following this shit is crazy... nice try though! But that was a nice phone call even though his stuck up ass is going to try and claim "right". Bastard. At least he cared enough to call me.
And as I write this, my ex had the balls to IM me with the question of why I was not nicer to his girl... hm, just because we have slept together (could possibly be in the department of "sleeping") does not mean I have to be nice to the girl you are lying to. Yeah, I should tell him that... and I think I will. Oh, and someone stuck him with a $200 bill... nice. So that side I saw of my buddy was reflected accross the table.... great.
Did get a little dub this weekend, paid off the amount I smoked at
Echo Park guy's house so I think I am even around town... back to the ex on AOLIM. Peace out my peoples..
Mahalo, just post your opinions.. I do not care what they say, just post them.
~ the angel*
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
javert:
How was your shower?
printgod:
I thought nothing could look better on my desk than the new iMac G5. I was wrong, you looked MUCH better on my desk. I wouldn't mind having you back up there again soon either.