JOURNAL:
I was zoning out in my office today, my last day, and I was jamming through bills and getting shit done so I can chill online for the last few hours here and I decided to call my voicemail... well, I did not call my voicemail. I called the ex's number and was so shocked when he picked up the phone.... I did not know what to say but "hey..." and, halfway through that word, he hung up.
For some god damn reason, I felt what is the fridgadare of my heart fall through three stories of concrete when I realized that he heard my voice and hung up. why does it still hurt like that? I mean, I did not mean to call him, I was fully on autopiolet and just dialed his number... and, whether or not he was justified (meeting, working, etc..), it still does not change my reaction. When will this heartache stop?
I am sure a lot of you are fucking sick and tired of this guy. Yeah, I feel you. I need to leave it at last week and that is it. But there is this side of me that entertains the idea of just giving in completely and moving in with him, being his whore, and whatever else happens....
Part of me wants that so much... so I can walk away if I want to... but I know that I won't and it is going to be nothing but bad for me if I do that... etc etc blah blah blah... yeah. I know. I KNOW. I fucking KNOW. I just want to be separated from this hurt - and nothing I do will make it go away.
I had an idea. I was going to allow myself to concentrate and debate in my head about it/think about it etc while I am running only. That way, while I am working out, I can get lost in my thoughts about the whole situation and agonize like all girls do for hours and hours and it will not matter because I am running and getting in shape! Again, it is a nice thought...
And distracting myself with others is not working either. I am feeling a sort of obligation to make some people's lives better by offering my services as a rockin' kick @$$ date but all I can think of as a reason to sleep with people is because I know they deserve it and I know that they need it, but I don't want to. I just do not feel sexy and dominate, and the situation forementioned is not helping. That is why I am looking forward to being in the 909 officially completely as of tonight. I am trying to embrace my new living situation and to love the town I will be in. Besides, I will be there for awhile, why not enjoy it? Or at least try...
Yes, I will change my SG page location (as much as I do not want to) and I am going to be officially registered to vote there, to live there, and for my creditors to find me.
Ah yes, the creditors. They have been calling non-stop. I am really fucking up my credit right now, and I am thinking about taking out a loan with one of those companies who give you, like, $10k to take care of all your shit and then pay it off but I also know that they charge large amounts of interest and I do not want that. I do not know what I am going to do, but I have to do it soon.
What does everyone think of me dancing for a living? It is really crossing my mind a lot and because, well lets face it, I am not bad looking, I know I could rake in money and stuff but I do not know still if I can do it. Besides, what if it starts paying the bills right and all that, I get used to the lifestyle, then cannot stop? I am thinking about doing it for the next 6 months, just working 4 nights a week and telling my step-dad and everyone else I have a job elsewhere, just not tell anyone. Could I do it? Probably. I might just do it to distract my head for awhile... if I fuck it up THAT way, I will forget about the heartache... interesting theory I know...
WARNING... MORE BITCHING
I am all messed up. My head needs a real deep cleaning and my fog of emotions needs to be cleaned out as well. I am so fucking tired of having this thought of lonliness and heartache stab into my chest every god damn twenty minutes while I am trying to focus otherwise. Am I just being a girl and missing what I had because I THOUGHT that is was that great and that HE was that great and that we were that happy? I mean, in his arms and being next to him, having him look at me like that... fucking tears again.... why is it that I miss that so much? Oh, you know what? It is because I felt special and loved by someone who showed me so much about the world.. I felt safe with him, one on one. I never feared for my well being with him around, and that is what I miss. I feel like I am now hanging in the balance, and I have this illusion that I cannot make myself feel that complete again. I KNOW otherwise, but I FEEL that. :: sigh::
Have been staying at Prince Charming's house the last two nights... I was good enough to spoil him the first night. I showed up in my fuck me heels and a leather trench coat with a fucking cute little langerie (sp) babydoll dress, black lace with hot pink thin ribbon trim. Matched the pink color with my petifure and manicure, pink tipped nails of course.
His reaction was so awesome!
I have done that sort of thing before for other boyfriends and been thanked but he was beside himself.. his eyes got all big and he could not stop looking at me and touching me and just being stoked on the effort. I have never had someone appreciate something like that so much before. It was a nice reaction, one I have NEVER had - and realizing that, I cannot believe I am dwelling on the ex so much... even Prince Charming said that he never understood why my ex let me go and that I was way too nice to the ex. We played around and had fun with a video camera, got him to show me a little of his and I showed him mine... it was an all around successful evening. And we fell asleep spooning, which is rare because he has problems sleeping a lot of the time I am there.
Last night, however, I felt a little bad. I totally raped him!
I felt bad because we were both tired when we went to bed but I was snuggling up next to him so much he was getting excited.. so I gave him a nice blowjob and then finished it off on top with a mind-blowing orgasm on my part... and then I collapsed on top of him. Next thing I know, I wake up this morning and he had again slept in his spare room (not to wake me with his tossing and turning). So I cuddled into bed with him and then had to leave... but he was parked behind me (in this huge driveway too, we are dorks) so I have to get him up to move his truck. I felt so bad but he said it was cool, he had to get up anyway. Leaving this morning, however, felt odd but I think it was only because we were both groggy. I did, however, leave half my shit at his house.. but saturday we are to see each other so good times.
Spoke to my best friend in Oregan who got married about 3 years ago last night while waiting for my prince to come home from his business dinner. She is great, just signed a deal to buy her own Salon. She used to do my hair for a few years and we had a lot of fun designing and playing with it... she is now known in Merlin, OR as the "California" hairdresser. She wants me to come visit them soon, and I agreed that would be my first trip. She also confessed to me her and her husband had discussed having a threesome lately - a friend of hers put it in her head, not me! - but she told me she would only do it with me. That was shocking and also made me smile. Again, I am on fire this week.... if only my job applications were getting as much attention....
This is so enough for all you people. I will not bore you anymore. The NICKELBACK lyrics were posted because I felt like drifting back into that coke lifestyle again just to feel how it felt with my ex.....
such a bad reason. I need to get some help... I am fucked in the head!
fucking last day of work in Malibu. Blah, I am not feeling anything about that....
Mahalo lovers,
~ the kelly angel*
SONG OF THE DAY: "Asking for It" by Hole
I was zoning out in my office today, my last day, and I was jamming through bills and getting shit done so I can chill online for the last few hours here and I decided to call my voicemail... well, I did not call my voicemail. I called the ex's number and was so shocked when he picked up the phone.... I did not know what to say but "hey..." and, halfway through that word, he hung up.
For some god damn reason, I felt what is the fridgadare of my heart fall through three stories of concrete when I realized that he heard my voice and hung up. why does it still hurt like that? I mean, I did not mean to call him, I was fully on autopiolet and just dialed his number... and, whether or not he was justified (meeting, working, etc..), it still does not change my reaction. When will this heartache stop?
I am sure a lot of you are fucking sick and tired of this guy. Yeah, I feel you. I need to leave it at last week and that is it. But there is this side of me that entertains the idea of just giving in completely and moving in with him, being his whore, and whatever else happens....
Part of me wants that so much... so I can walk away if I want to... but I know that I won't and it is going to be nothing but bad for me if I do that... etc etc blah blah blah... yeah. I know. I KNOW. I fucking KNOW. I just want to be separated from this hurt - and nothing I do will make it go away.
I had an idea. I was going to allow myself to concentrate and debate in my head about it/think about it etc while I am running only. That way, while I am working out, I can get lost in my thoughts about the whole situation and agonize like all girls do for hours and hours and it will not matter because I am running and getting in shape! Again, it is a nice thought...
And distracting myself with others is not working either. I am feeling a sort of obligation to make some people's lives better by offering my services as a rockin' kick @$$ date but all I can think of as a reason to sleep with people is because I know they deserve it and I know that they need it, but I don't want to. I just do not feel sexy and dominate, and the situation forementioned is not helping. That is why I am looking forward to being in the 909 officially completely as of tonight. I am trying to embrace my new living situation and to love the town I will be in. Besides, I will be there for awhile, why not enjoy it? Or at least try...
Yes, I will change my SG page location (as much as I do not want to) and I am going to be officially registered to vote there, to live there, and for my creditors to find me.
Ah yes, the creditors. They have been calling non-stop. I am really fucking up my credit right now, and I am thinking about taking out a loan with one of those companies who give you, like, $10k to take care of all your shit and then pay it off but I also know that they charge large amounts of interest and I do not want that. I do not know what I am going to do, but I have to do it soon.
What does everyone think of me dancing for a living? It is really crossing my mind a lot and because, well lets face it, I am not bad looking, I know I could rake in money and stuff but I do not know still if I can do it. Besides, what if it starts paying the bills right and all that, I get used to the lifestyle, then cannot stop? I am thinking about doing it for the next 6 months, just working 4 nights a week and telling my step-dad and everyone else I have a job elsewhere, just not tell anyone. Could I do it? Probably. I might just do it to distract my head for awhile... if I fuck it up THAT way, I will forget about the heartache... interesting theory I know...
WARNING... MORE BITCHING
I am all messed up. My head needs a real deep cleaning and my fog of emotions needs to be cleaned out as well. I am so fucking tired of having this thought of lonliness and heartache stab into my chest every god damn twenty minutes while I am trying to focus otherwise. Am I just being a girl and missing what I had because I THOUGHT that is was that great and that HE was that great and that we were that happy? I mean, in his arms and being next to him, having him look at me like that... fucking tears again.... why is it that I miss that so much? Oh, you know what? It is because I felt special and loved by someone who showed me so much about the world.. I felt safe with him, one on one. I never feared for my well being with him around, and that is what I miss. I feel like I am now hanging in the balance, and I have this illusion that I cannot make myself feel that complete again. I KNOW otherwise, but I FEEL that. :: sigh::
Have been staying at Prince Charming's house the last two nights... I was good enough to spoil him the first night. I showed up in my fuck me heels and a leather trench coat with a fucking cute little langerie (sp) babydoll dress, black lace with hot pink thin ribbon trim. Matched the pink color with my petifure and manicure, pink tipped nails of course.
His reaction was so awesome!
I have done that sort of thing before for other boyfriends and been thanked but he was beside himself.. his eyes got all big and he could not stop looking at me and touching me and just being stoked on the effort. I have never had someone appreciate something like that so much before. It was a nice reaction, one I have NEVER had - and realizing that, I cannot believe I am dwelling on the ex so much... even Prince Charming said that he never understood why my ex let me go and that I was way too nice to the ex. We played around and had fun with a video camera, got him to show me a little of his and I showed him mine... it was an all around successful evening. And we fell asleep spooning, which is rare because he has problems sleeping a lot of the time I am there.
Last night, however, I felt a little bad. I totally raped him!
I felt bad because we were both tired when we went to bed but I was snuggling up next to him so much he was getting excited.. so I gave him a nice blowjob and then finished it off on top with a mind-blowing orgasm on my part... and then I collapsed on top of him. Next thing I know, I wake up this morning and he had again slept in his spare room (not to wake me with his tossing and turning). So I cuddled into bed with him and then had to leave... but he was parked behind me (in this huge driveway too, we are dorks) so I have to get him up to move his truck. I felt so bad but he said it was cool, he had to get up anyway. Leaving this morning, however, felt odd but I think it was only because we were both groggy. I did, however, leave half my shit at his house.. but saturday we are to see each other so good times.
Spoke to my best friend in Oregan who got married about 3 years ago last night while waiting for my prince to come home from his business dinner. She is great, just signed a deal to buy her own Salon. She used to do my hair for a few years and we had a lot of fun designing and playing with it... she is now known in Merlin, OR as the "California" hairdresser. She wants me to come visit them soon, and I agreed that would be my first trip. She also confessed to me her and her husband had discussed having a threesome lately - a friend of hers put it in her head, not me! - but she told me she would only do it with me. That was shocking and also made me smile. Again, I am on fire this week.... if only my job applications were getting as much attention....
This is so enough for all you people. I will not bore you anymore. The NICKELBACK lyrics were posted because I felt like drifting back into that coke lifestyle again just to feel how it felt with my ex.....
such a bad reason. I need to get some help... I am fucked in the head!
fucking last day of work in Malibu. Blah, I am not feeling anything about that....
Mahalo lovers,
~ the kelly angel*
SONG OF THE DAY: "Asking for It" by Hole
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
If anything, they can bask in OUR hotness...while we just sit there and like, be hot and stuff...
1) DO NOT fuck up your credit. i did the same thing when i was your age and now ten (yes, ten) years later i am really paying for it. above all, keep your bills in line. make a budget. pay at least minimum payments on all but one card, and pay as much as you can monthly on that other one. don't get department store credit cards. they rape you on the interest.
2) don't be anybody's whore but your own. and don't have sex if you aren't enjoying it completely.
3) do i sound like a pain in the ass? i don't even know you and here i am ordering you around. but hey, you wanted opinions. god, i'm pretty hung over.
4) do creative things instead of using evil drugs. evil like coke, speed, whatever. pot's fine. better than alcohol actually.
5) wear as much lingerie as possible so i can have fantasies about you giving blowjobs to people. not me, unfortunately, but people.
6) have a great weekend.