sitting in my buddies living room in West Los Angeles for my last night in the big bad city. the night has me thinking that perhaps I needed the time I spent here in addition to the planned departure date.
here I am, chilling on the couch while both roomies have cuddlebunnies over and are hooking it up. and on my last night in LA, the one who claims to love me and is hurt by my departure - the one who said yesterday when he dropped me off that he would see me today - is off with one of his women who flew in from Miami for the weekend. so much for love, why do you think I quote Midnight In the Garden of Good and Evil so much? "Two tears in the bucket, mother fuck it!"
and there is one of the little ladies now... I am not jealous, but damn - would have been nice to see one of my two men tonight.
for the first time in my life I had someone who is my flesh and blood call me out on my shit over the phone. straight up called me out and, BINGO, hit the jackpot. apparently I have not been keeping up the good phone calls and have become evasive again which is the trigger key for "hello, using!" and she knows it. my only question is now is how do I shake this demon from the middle of my back between my shoulder blades, cowering at my ribcage piercing solely through my heart? my soul wants to let go but is so afraid of feeling all the pain so intensely again.
I will always miss my lover, my 6'2 fair German boy, but on the other side he has not only enabled my using again but encouraged it. it is basically signing off on my death wish. my prince was right: my lover only cares for himself and his damn materialist living of this life. I will hop on a train tomorrow evening, heading for my destination and destiny I manifest to a city more alive than all of Los Angeles and her suburbs combined, leaving him behind in his existence. He is not here with me where I am nor made a small effort to be. he fears dealing with the reality of the coming years - he knows it is inevitable that this life is limited and the next evolution is near. and even now, in this moment, his little chick-o-dee from Miami is in town more than likely keeping him very occupied while his girl is out of town... and he asked me to stay through the weekend so he could spend time with me. where are you, motherfucker? not here. for someone who was so emotionally upset about my departure and who said 30 hours ago when he dropped me off at my place he would see me the next day (he rarely makes a commitment in that department verbally), he is not here. has not called, and is more than likely getting his kicks at his leisure while not even blinking an eye to the fact I am leaving.
well, I am on a train to NYC at 6:45pm tomorrow night and I am pretty sure I will not be answering his phone calls. fuck that, I cannot stand for that treatment any longer. although there is one thing,... I left my little black Gucci sunglasses case at his house with my bombshiggity MaryJane and new piece, fondly named Crystal. I DO want that back... but I should not be smoking in the new city anyway.
there is a small chance I will remain until Sunday night... if the prince says he wants me to in order for us to have dinner tomorrow night. then, and only then, will I submit to another extension... but even then, cannot indulge the lover any more.
we shall see what happens - but if you check out my pics of the reality me, I loaded a bunch more for you all to view and appreciate... haha.
night all. it is still thursday for me.
ha. guess I am quitting my girl MJ a little less than 24 hours ealry. Cheers.
has anyone seen Queen Mab? I could use some nice dreams tonight.
here I am, chilling on the couch while both roomies have cuddlebunnies over and are hooking it up. and on my last night in LA, the one who claims to love me and is hurt by my departure - the one who said yesterday when he dropped me off that he would see me today - is off with one of his women who flew in from Miami for the weekend. so much for love, why do you think I quote Midnight In the Garden of Good and Evil so much? "Two tears in the bucket, mother fuck it!"
and there is one of the little ladies now... I am not jealous, but damn - would have been nice to see one of my two men tonight.
for the first time in my life I had someone who is my flesh and blood call me out on my shit over the phone. straight up called me out and, BINGO, hit the jackpot. apparently I have not been keeping up the good phone calls and have become evasive again which is the trigger key for "hello, using!" and she knows it. my only question is now is how do I shake this demon from the middle of my back between my shoulder blades, cowering at my ribcage piercing solely through my heart? my soul wants to let go but is so afraid of feeling all the pain so intensely again.
I will always miss my lover, my 6'2 fair German boy, but on the other side he has not only enabled my using again but encouraged it. it is basically signing off on my death wish. my prince was right: my lover only cares for himself and his damn materialist living of this life. I will hop on a train tomorrow evening, heading for my destination and destiny I manifest to a city more alive than all of Los Angeles and her suburbs combined, leaving him behind in his existence. He is not here with me where I am nor made a small effort to be. he fears dealing with the reality of the coming years - he knows it is inevitable that this life is limited and the next evolution is near. and even now, in this moment, his little chick-o-dee from Miami is in town more than likely keeping him very occupied while his girl is out of town... and he asked me to stay through the weekend so he could spend time with me. where are you, motherfucker? not here. for someone who was so emotionally upset about my departure and who said 30 hours ago when he dropped me off at my place he would see me the next day (he rarely makes a commitment in that department verbally), he is not here. has not called, and is more than likely getting his kicks at his leisure while not even blinking an eye to the fact I am leaving.
well, I am on a train to NYC at 6:45pm tomorrow night and I am pretty sure I will not be answering his phone calls. fuck that, I cannot stand for that treatment any longer. although there is one thing,... I left my little black Gucci sunglasses case at his house with my bombshiggity MaryJane and new piece, fondly named Crystal. I DO want that back... but I should not be smoking in the new city anyway.
there is a small chance I will remain until Sunday night... if the prince says he wants me to in order for us to have dinner tomorrow night. then, and only then, will I submit to another extension... but even then, cannot indulge the lover any more.
we shall see what happens - but if you check out my pics of the reality me, I loaded a bunch more for you all to view and appreciate... haha.
night all. it is still thursday for me.
ha. guess I am quitting my girl MJ a little less than 24 hours ealry. Cheers.
has anyone seen Queen Mab? I could use some nice dreams tonight.
hurry and get here.