m_bethany

mistress bethany, yours truly.

we have chosen a new mistress name, the other one was too obvious in homage to my girl, Angelina. now that she is with that sissy Brad I have lost a little lust for her. why would she take on that midwestern farm boy? I mean, he is hot but COME ON! he has got to be so submissive in the bedroom it is boring. I would love to woop on her ass, bet you she is not used to a woman doing that to her... I would just love practicing my bondage on her.

so I bought the new Nine Inch Nails album, "With Teeth", and I must say that he is the eternal masochist and the love of my alternate expression (that is when I am at a loss for words). Trent, thank you for track number 8. I feel it run through my bones like an anthem I never knew the words to until today.

I'm becoming less defined, as days go by
Fading away, well you might say I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes, I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes, I can see right through myself

Less concerned, about fitting into the world
Your world that is, cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(No, it doesn't really matter anymore)
None of this sh... really matters anymore

Yes, I am alone, but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell, I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself
Yeah, and I just made you up to hurt myself
And it worked

Yes it did!

There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only

Well, the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone
Picking at that scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no you, there is only me
There is no fucking you, there is only me

Only

this is the anthem of the mental masochist that I am. I carry it with me to the new city I am moving to shortly, personally manifesting my own reality at the moment. the update on my life? well, if you have read this far, fine.

my good friend Mark is letting my stay at his pad since the end of the Venice Bohemian abode in the mid to end of October.. he has been so good to me, I do not deserve it. however, for some reason, "I must have done something good in a previous life... can't imagine what that was" (Demolition Man quote). so him and his roomie have welcomed me for as long as I am still on the west coast... which I plan on being a short time longer. I posted my car online for $600 under the KBB, lets see who plucks her from my hot little hands.

have been recently informed that my prince is now entertaining the company of my close good friend and ex-roomie of 2 years AND middle child (I have a family unit of my now ex-wife, the youngest ostracized daughter (the one I get to right hook punch if I see her again), and the middle child (hottie red-head I have witnessed grow and blossom into womanhood the last three years), but no eldest as of yet. I am wierd, yep. ANYWAY, she is currently dating him - and asked my permission at dinner last week AFTER they already went out. now, I could be hurt and pissed off etc. but that would be stupid. I am more than happy for her if he can make her happy... but he was my conquest first. funny, it started out as a conquest and it turned into a mutual back and forth game that has grown tired of the stagnate state the last year... so I gave my blessing with a "go ahead, hell, fuck him if you like - I would be a hypocrite to tell you otherwise". not sure how well that went, she is speaking to me very little now. COME ON, I was on the spot and it was a little bit of a shock (although expected, saw it coming a year ago or so).

at the end of the day, all I can say is I better still be a friend, which is what he maintains. i just do not like to loose people over stupid shit like sex, you know? besides, I have YEARS to go before I can handle a meaningful adult relationship where I DON"T play stupid fucking games.. I have realized I have never let anyone into my fortress of my heart - and that, my friends, is a problem I have yet to find a solution to. perhaps some therapy is in order, seriously.

the ex and I are continuing our unrequited love affair until I leave. i gots to get me some dick still while on the west coast, the east coast is going to take some time to get the stable occupied, I have quite the screening process. on top of all that, the amount of deseases out there and irresponsible people combined, I am actually better off having trust issues and also being so DAMN picky. Chastity has it's appeal at times...

just need to get the interview in Greece solidified and I am set for the next five months.

there is no YOU there is only me motherfucker. WORD.