"you got it bad, hang up then you call right back"
there are certain points in the day where I wonder if I am love sick or lacking in the feeling department. today, I woke up next to a guy I recently met to happens to have just launched a huge new multimedia thing for FLASH and he is pretty powerful in that world... but to me he is just a kwirky guy who is sweet, fun, and can dance his ass off. he invited me to Disneyland for a company corporate party with lots of alcohol... needless to say, I had a good time.
had to accept but he cherished my presence and treated me like a queen, like I was something he never could get his hands on again... and he did not want to let me go. I was appreciated, loved, and given the sweetest little kisses of affection while smiling in the sun. and yet, in all that seemingly satisfying existance, I felt and wondered if the ones I feel so strongly for could ever act or express that kind of appreciation to me. I wish I would be loved and caressed like that by my prince, to be loved and to look in someone's eyes and know they feel the same... I do not know when I have seen that last...
I would like to think with my roomie, now exroomie as the Los Angeles residence for me is gone, I felt that way. he could love me that way, we COULD be happy, but he is not ready to do that for me. it is not fair to even entertain the idea of him asking me to stay with an engagement ring - although without mention from me if he popped that question, I am pretty sure I would give in. but with it mentioned even here, it is already too late. he asked me the other day what I wanted from him (I think in reference to staying instead of moving) and I told him that if he had to ask that, it's already wrong. but what if I am wrong? what if I am the one fucking everything up? what if I travel the world and realize that my happiness was here in his arms and I left them to be stubborn and look everywhere else? I am not stupid enough to believe he would wait for me to come to my senses and come back to him, he will probably dive into some meaningful relationship with some awesome person and end up hitched, sending me the invitation to reply RSVP but no plus one.
and what about my prince? he has had dinner with my ex twice since he and I last saw each other... he even forgot about OUR dinner and never rescheduled. I am getting the feedback that he wants to wait until I get to NYC before seeing me... great, so I can wait a few months for business to bring him there to see him for one night and then he is gone again? that is no fucking fun... how do I even know if I love him when he has not laid eyes on me since September? does he even want me anymore? frankly I do not know....
I do not know anything - and I realize that I cannot base my life around how others feel about me but it gets so hard when all I want is to hear a comforting word and feel loving caring arms around me to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am always strong enough to do it on my own, it is just a painful experience regardless . it is only when I can take a breath from the pain by falling into my loved one that makes life worth every painful breath.
I just feel alone. And there is no hope for anyone I want to reach out to to actually accept my plea, so why try?
there are certain points in the day where I wonder if I am love sick or lacking in the feeling department. today, I woke up next to a guy I recently met to happens to have just launched a huge new multimedia thing for FLASH and he is pretty powerful in that world... but to me he is just a kwirky guy who is sweet, fun, and can dance his ass off. he invited me to Disneyland for a company corporate party with lots of alcohol... needless to say, I had a good time.
had to accept but he cherished my presence and treated me like a queen, like I was something he never could get his hands on again... and he did not want to let me go. I was appreciated, loved, and given the sweetest little kisses of affection while smiling in the sun. and yet, in all that seemingly satisfying existance, I felt and wondered if the ones I feel so strongly for could ever act or express that kind of appreciation to me. I wish I would be loved and caressed like that by my prince, to be loved and to look in someone's eyes and know they feel the same... I do not know when I have seen that last...
I would like to think with my roomie, now exroomie as the Los Angeles residence for me is gone, I felt that way. he could love me that way, we COULD be happy, but he is not ready to do that for me. it is not fair to even entertain the idea of him asking me to stay with an engagement ring - although without mention from me if he popped that question, I am pretty sure I would give in. but with it mentioned even here, it is already too late. he asked me the other day what I wanted from him (I think in reference to staying instead of moving) and I told him that if he had to ask that, it's already wrong. but what if I am wrong? what if I am the one fucking everything up? what if I travel the world and realize that my happiness was here in his arms and I left them to be stubborn and look everywhere else? I am not stupid enough to believe he would wait for me to come to my senses and come back to him, he will probably dive into some meaningful relationship with some awesome person and end up hitched, sending me the invitation to reply RSVP but no plus one.
and what about my prince? he has had dinner with my ex twice since he and I last saw each other... he even forgot about OUR dinner and never rescheduled. I am getting the feedback that he wants to wait until I get to NYC before seeing me... great, so I can wait a few months for business to bring him there to see him for one night and then he is gone again? that is no fucking fun... how do I even know if I love him when he has not laid eyes on me since September? does he even want me anymore? frankly I do not know....
I do not know anything - and I realize that I cannot base my life around how others feel about me but it gets so hard when all I want is to hear a comforting word and feel loving caring arms around me to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am always strong enough to do it on my own, it is just a painful experience regardless . it is only when I can take a breath from the pain by falling into my loved one that makes life worth every painful breath.
I just feel alone. And there is no hope for anyone I want to reach out to to actually accept my plea, so why try?
cheshirecat:
....life gets faster and faster........do not live for anyone because in the end they will not do the same for you......even if you are their queen of the moment........you get alot of guys to treat you like you were born on a pedestl...I guess thats good....I can never do that....not that I do not treat woman well....I just do not believe in royalty.....want some mushrooms..????
falias:
