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is this my journal for today? don't write much in my own diary anymore, there's this girl I write to which is a sort of diary, but I always thought this was a weird place to keep a diary,

so here's what's on: had a funny do, fell asleep and forgot to
take my phenelzine (unstable 1950s antidepressant - maoi - oddly only thing that actually worked after a bit of a walking dead period from age 19 to a year ago)...
anyway, I forgot, and you know how if you wake up feeling shit, and there's nowhere you have to be, you go back to bed?
well I did, but what I didn't figure was that I was feeling shit cos
by now I'd missed 2 doses (you know how it is, I was doing something before breakfast when I'd do the drugs, but then some friends showed up, and I forgot, and then some
other stuf happened and I forgot to take them that evening)

So anyway, I did know it but I was well into this weird withdrawal,.. I slept for 2 whole days, my flatmate came in
(to get the kettle or something) and later said I didn't look right, I was grinding my teeth (what I never do) and looked pale and ill, but he didn't try and wake me cos he figured
maybe that was just how I slept!

So I woke up eventually, sometime like 9am after 8 missed doses of this pill (normally you have to withdraw over a few weeks ) and I was totally on another planet.
I've never missed a dose before so I didn't have a clue what was happening, It was like I was dreaming... I was in mad pain, like a restlessness so severe that if the world stopped
moving for a second it felt really bad, got to say it was worse than any physical pain, seriously no fun, I was hallucinating, but in a major way, not like dots and patterns when we did acid as kids, but like daytime suddenly becomming night, walking up the stairs and finding myself back on the ground floor, the house was all wrong, like in a dream, but I was very much awake.

I was trying to dial the doctors, or the psychiatrist I hardly see anymore (I was feeling so together before this) but I couldn't figure the phone out (it was so weird - the next day my flatmate found sort of phone-like things all over the house... remote controls, keyboards, the front panel off
the alarm, anyhting with numbers on. And I remember
being in the bathroom wondering why the phone wouldn't
connect then realising it was a remote for the video in my hands.

All the people I got through to on the real(?) phone told
me to do impossible things, I remember someone saying ring
your doctor, but I didn't know what a doctor was at the time.

Finally, yeah, you guessed it, I got through to my mum
(by writing the phone number I've known since age 2 but which I couldn't remember now) two numbers at a time on
big sheets of paper and finally going through them fast enough.

So the moral is, mums are brilliant. She came and got me in an ambulance, and to cut the story short she saved myl life.
At hospital they put me on a valium drip (after 2 hours of questioning but a psychiatrist...'what's a question?')
on my suggestion! and they did it, how cool is that?
And the wheeled me outside with the drip still in my arm so I could have a fag, and it was brilliant.
They gave me an injection of phenelzine to sort the comedown out, and some valium to take home until the
pills started to kick in again.

enough of that. I must be 1/2 drunk to be writing this.
different subject, I keep dreaming of really full-on fights
with people I like in real life, I keep waking up sharp cos
one of my punches or kicks hits the wall by my bed.
anyone else ever had that?

jesus I sound like a psycho, I'm not. I'm nice.