lyvia

ok, so i've 100 percent neglected you all, and for that i apologise. i've been floating around, behind the scenes, feeling pretty out of the loop and not really knowing what to say to pull myself back in. i've thrown myself into my art. i've used every emotion, intense or otherwise to improve my work. i've worked harder than i've ever worked in my life, and for what? for a future, for a way out of this, for something to be optimistic about, and for something to live for.

i haven't been doing so well, i've been in and out, in and out, i barely know where i am right now. for those of you who don't know the deal, my last blog covers pretty much everything. it seems redundant to go over it all again, i feel like that's all i've been doing this last month, rehashing the details over and over. i'm pretty sick of the sound of my own voice. i've lost most of my friends, almost lost the love of my life, and i'm pretty sure my family would walk away at this point if they could. i hate how much pain i'm causing them for entirely selfish fucking reasons.
i am too interested in myself, in my own body, and that's never ever been the case. i have a lump in my throat writing that, it's pretty hard to face the truth sometimes, but i need a reality check. i almost lost my boy last night, i almost chose this horrible obsession over him. he asked me to stop, to gain some weight, to be normal again, or he was walking away. i told him to leave.


for the first time in this horrible year, he told me how he really saw me, as a shadow of myself, not as the same girl he fell in love with. i hardly ever laugh anymore. he said that it makes him want to cry, touching me and feeling nothing but bones. he said e misses my boobs, my curves, my smile. he's the one person i needed to hear all of that from, in order to stop, and now he's finally said it, i'm afraid it's too late, i'm afraid i'm too far gone. my body's already failing and if i don't turn it around now, they said i won't be able to walk by the summer. for a 19 year old girl who was probably the healthiest of her peers: never drank, smoked, ate junk food, did drugs and i exercised every day, that's a pretty horrific thought.

but even so, i'm still not stopping. sometimes, i want to smack my self round the head to wake myself up. most days, i don't even feel like i have a problem.

you don't know how much i appreciate all the little messages and comments, words of advice and love and support. it feels incredible to know how many of you care, i just don't feel strong enough to heed those words of advice, it needs to come from inside me, and that's the one place the motivation is lacking. i need to sort myself out. i'm a mess.

bow has been incredible. even thought i don't speak to her as much as i'd like, she's always there for me. she's an incredible friend,a dn i love her very much. i need to prove it to her more.

and to all the rest of you, there are too many to name, you are all so so wonderful

in other news, i took some pictures on le photobooth, and i have some artwork for sale too.

pm me for prices etc(the first 3 are for sale as A1 prints:



















couple updates on the book:





and some pictures of me being vain:








happier times will come soon, i will make it happen.

xxx