So you either banned me from commenting in your journal or my web just sucks today, in any case...i write this assuming you are talking about me when you said:
".and now I only use it to vent and talk negative about my life...so its not really all bad and there are some good things I should be saying but just havn't I guess....some how I managed to hurt someone because I never talked about them or was possative about them...they took the absence of anything as me not careing..."
I just want to make a few points, Yeah it sucked that you talked to everyone about how horrid they were for doing things, but never even mentioned that you liked me much less were seeing me. Had you been dating her for a bit, or known her for more than that one night i wouldnt have cared as much....as it was tho, you didnt know her that well. You have known me since my 9th grade year. Off and on things have always changed. In and out of eachother, we are eachothers support systems at points, and the reason to need a support system at others. The point is...i thought i meant more to you, i thought when we talked a few months back when you were still with jodi and said i was you one true friend, that would mean more. So...fine you dont express all this in a journal...but you didnt anywhere else either. You never told me, the only thing you told me was how i was messing up...you told me to act differently around your friends you told me i shouldnt do this or that, i was too intense (hyper), you told me i was insane, and talked about how pretty this girl was or that girl was, or how no one likes you...and went about feeling sorry for yourself, like my presence had no impact at all. So your insecure or feel the need to have that pity from other people but you should never do this at my expense. Ever. Steven, as much as i know you will hate to ever admit it, i do get you more than anyone else at this point in your life. Further more, even if you deny that, i have always been the one there for you, always. Thats why i made that post in your journal. I have tried so hard to make you happy, i tried so hard to wait around for you, i tried so hard for you. Then...the only thing you can ever do is compliain. I thought i could handle this, i guess the truth is i wasnt ready for you to correct my behavior all the time, i wasnt ready for you to give me such mixed signals, it would go from i really like you, to you call to much, i like showing you off, dont talk so much/ dont be so intense around my friends, it pissed me off. In general this entire thing really got to me and i snapped, I dont give a fuck if your negitive about life, you always have been i dont expect you to be a fucking cheerleader, i just expected you to treat me a little better, i just expected you to talk about me even close to the way you talk about some girl at a fast food place that you have never said more than 15 words to. You mentioned a million times she was beautiful, and would drive 45 minutes to go see her, but in a two week period managed to make me swear to never talk to you again. I get that your not ready for a relationship, i dont want one with you ever again, because im sick of being told Im beautiful or funny or all these great things and i could do so much better i could be treated so much better, more than you ever told me. I'm not hurt over a joural entry or two, im hurt that you are so wrapped into being accepted by everyone else that you can't see how much you were hurting me, and if you did you didnt give a fuck. You keep trying so hard darling to make everyone love you, to make everyone like you, or to just find something like that somewhere, and even when you have you dont realise it....the truth is i dont care how many friends you have i dont care how many girls what to fuck you, or love you or whatever the hell else you think you are looking for, untill you can stop being in love with your misery (even if it is subconciously) you will never be happy and you will never be content. Don't be so scared of someone seeing the real you, i have seen him a few times and he was the reason i stuck around so long, not all the other masks you put on. I still do have to walk away from all this for the time being, its too much, and i dont know where it all stands at this point..i just wanted ot tell you all these things before i go. This was kinda rushed so if its disorginized or whatever, sorry. I'll prolly edit later, off to my new job now.
".and now I only use it to vent and talk negative about my life...so its not really all bad and there are some good things I should be saying but just havn't I guess....some how I managed to hurt someone because I never talked about them or was possative about them...they took the absence of anything as me not careing..."
I just want to make a few points, Yeah it sucked that you talked to everyone about how horrid they were for doing things, but never even mentioned that you liked me much less were seeing me. Had you been dating her for a bit, or known her for more than that one night i wouldnt have cared as much....as it was tho, you didnt know her that well. You have known me since my 9th grade year. Off and on things have always changed. In and out of eachother, we are eachothers support systems at points, and the reason to need a support system at others. The point is...i thought i meant more to you, i thought when we talked a few months back when you were still with jodi and said i was you one true friend, that would mean more. So...fine you dont express all this in a journal...but you didnt anywhere else either. You never told me, the only thing you told me was how i was messing up...you told me to act differently around your friends you told me i shouldnt do this or that, i was too intense (hyper), you told me i was insane, and talked about how pretty this girl was or that girl was, or how no one likes you...and went about feeling sorry for yourself, like my presence had no impact at all. So your insecure or feel the need to have that pity from other people but you should never do this at my expense. Ever. Steven, as much as i know you will hate to ever admit it, i do get you more than anyone else at this point in your life. Further more, even if you deny that, i have always been the one there for you, always. Thats why i made that post in your journal. I have tried so hard to make you happy, i tried so hard to wait around for you, i tried so hard for you. Then...the only thing you can ever do is compliain. I thought i could handle this, i guess the truth is i wasnt ready for you to correct my behavior all the time, i wasnt ready for you to give me such mixed signals, it would go from i really like you, to you call to much, i like showing you off, dont talk so much/ dont be so intense around my friends, it pissed me off. In general this entire thing really got to me and i snapped, I dont give a fuck if your negitive about life, you always have been i dont expect you to be a fucking cheerleader, i just expected you to treat me a little better, i just expected you to talk about me even close to the way you talk about some girl at a fast food place that you have never said more than 15 words to. You mentioned a million times she was beautiful, and would drive 45 minutes to go see her, but in a two week period managed to make me swear to never talk to you again. I get that your not ready for a relationship, i dont want one with you ever again, because im sick of being told Im beautiful or funny or all these great things and i could do so much better i could be treated so much better, more than you ever told me. I'm not hurt over a joural entry or two, im hurt that you are so wrapped into being accepted by everyone else that you can't see how much you were hurting me, and if you did you didnt give a fuck. You keep trying so hard darling to make everyone love you, to make everyone like you, or to just find something like that somewhere, and even when you have you dont realise it....the truth is i dont care how many friends you have i dont care how many girls what to fuck you, or love you or whatever the hell else you think you are looking for, untill you can stop being in love with your misery (even if it is subconciously) you will never be happy and you will never be content. Don't be so scared of someone seeing the real you, i have seen him a few times and he was the reason i stuck around so long, not all the other masks you put on. I still do have to walk away from all this for the time being, its too much, and i dont know where it all stands at this point..i just wanted ot tell you all these things before i go. This was kinda rushed so if its disorginized or whatever, sorry. I'll prolly edit later, off to my new job now.
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What is this new job you speak of ?
Oh, I am drinking a white russian right now so, yea, I added another work. LOL. Carried heavy cabinets up stairs at OSU today.
And
Yeah i wrote a more updated post on the whole him thing, but as for the job NorthWest Direct. Im so nervous to go on the phones i could vomit.