What is wrong with me?
Well thats a funny question. Itd be really easy just to say that fear is my problem. Its not the truth. It goes much deeper than that. I think part of it has to do with my borderline obsession of finding someone to love and be loved by. Im dependant on the feelings of others and the acknowledgement of my existence by those who arent me. It goes beyond boundaries like relationship or dating into thoughts like do I really exist? and If I died tomorrow, would anyone care? On another level, Ive worked very hard to build my ability to care about others and now I want people, and one day an individual, to care about me like I care about them, to be thought of in their day or to be included in their plans, thought of when they want to go out for a beer, and things of that nature.
I think another part of it is a sort of sexual suppression, or is it frustration? I dont know. I do know that it bothers me to no end that I am the last Virgin that I know. That makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Even thinking that word makes me cringe. It could be argued that Virginity is something remarkable and that my Virginity is noble, a mark of individuality. Those who make those arguments have hopelessly forgotten what it was like being a Virgin. To be so comfortable in my sexuality and not express it outside futile one-sided (and one-handed) efforts, it drives me crazy. Running alongside that is my own biological clock. I wanted to be married at twenty-five so that I could enjoy married life while still young and do all the things you wish you could have done at your mid-life crisis. It all kind of looms over me and I think that it points toward a life of being Alone. Alone scares me.
All of it is magnified by what I think may be either my biggest problem or the key to the solution to all my problems: My Victim and Self-Esteem Complex. For a great time in my life, I was brought to believe that I was second-class-humanity, that I was too ugly, too strange, that I was Bad, Wrong, Weird. I dont know when it happened, but I became used to the thousand small abuses I would get every day. I stopped trying to be fit in. Who cares? Id fail anyway became the answer to every question about why I wasnt social. In a way, I became addicted to feeling bad because of others alienation. I wasnt good enough for them. Thats something Ive never been able to get past, and thats what holding me back today.
Well thats a funny question. Itd be really easy just to say that fear is my problem. Its not the truth. It goes much deeper than that. I think part of it has to do with my borderline obsession of finding someone to love and be loved by. Im dependant on the feelings of others and the acknowledgement of my existence by those who arent me. It goes beyond boundaries like relationship or dating into thoughts like do I really exist? and If I died tomorrow, would anyone care? On another level, Ive worked very hard to build my ability to care about others and now I want people, and one day an individual, to care about me like I care about them, to be thought of in their day or to be included in their plans, thought of when they want to go out for a beer, and things of that nature.
I think another part of it is a sort of sexual suppression, or is it frustration? I dont know. I do know that it bothers me to no end that I am the last Virgin that I know. That makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Even thinking that word makes me cringe. It could be argued that Virginity is something remarkable and that my Virginity is noble, a mark of individuality. Those who make those arguments have hopelessly forgotten what it was like being a Virgin. To be so comfortable in my sexuality and not express it outside futile one-sided (and one-handed) efforts, it drives me crazy. Running alongside that is my own biological clock. I wanted to be married at twenty-five so that I could enjoy married life while still young and do all the things you wish you could have done at your mid-life crisis. It all kind of looms over me and I think that it points toward a life of being Alone. Alone scares me.
All of it is magnified by what I think may be either my biggest problem or the key to the solution to all my problems: My Victim and Self-Esteem Complex. For a great time in my life, I was brought to believe that I was second-class-humanity, that I was too ugly, too strange, that I was Bad, Wrong, Weird. I dont know when it happened, but I became used to the thousand small abuses I would get every day. I stopped trying to be fit in. Who cares? Id fail anyway became the answer to every question about why I wasnt social. In a way, I became addicted to feeling bad because of others alienation. I wasnt good enough for them. Thats something Ive never been able to get past, and thats what holding me back today.
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I should probably not go into the virgin thingy