luxdivon

i masturbated four times yesterday. i could have had more orgasms too. (can we say hypomania.? i slept ok thou. or maybe it was the posting of naughty pictures. i wish i could say taking them didnt turn me on. but that would be a lie)
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this is such a lazy weekend. i keep saying i'm going to get up and actually do something. to no avail thus far. is anyone else obsessive? how do you stop the mad cycle? cheers.
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everything is just as it seems. no more. no less. i want to understand this push and pull of things in life. its complex, and altogether not sensible. i was thinking to myself how i am often drawn to those that want to remain free. if they want to remain free, i want to capture them. and vice versa. there are those that would puruse me as heavily as i could pursue another man, but because they would have me, i would run from them. and i give myself reasons about how it would never work with them. but how i think it would work with someone that would never have me. it makes no sense. and what's worse is that this element is of a stronger attraction to me than other more important things to consider when trying to find real love. is it this strong because i still have things to discover concerning this intense attraction? or is it my inclination to be back in a place that feels like home, one where i'm abandoned by words, hurt by looks, disgraced by sounds, and emotionally deprived. this blog could go on forever. i want to understand. i want to understand. i want to know the intricite details of human interaction and not just the base level underlying intention but all of the unconcious motivations for the actions we commit. it will forever intrigue me. all of it. and him. and my stream of thoughts bring me back into conciousness and feeling alive. i like that. i like it more than you could possibly know.