luxdivon

this is one of those moments, when i realize, all of my problems, all my solutions, were always all mine, all the time.
the boy list
one boy says to me, i wanna be with you, as we go on a splendid date, and we act like there could be a blossoming romance. and then he tells me after we have sex, this is a few days later, that he still cares for another girl, and that we should still be friends.
another boy is happy, as i am happy with the safe, unemotional, breakdown moment of dude, you're pretty chill, and we have a decent time, and all i can think of is how horny i am, so i guess you can come over.
yet another boy, held my attention for a time. until i realized, as i had always known, that as much as he was starving for love, he loved work more, and had creative aspirations, which i could not hate him for, but that he had hardly any moments to give me, and after awhile, it wasn't enough, but then i realized he hadn't hurt me as much as the first boy i spoke of. so maybe seeing him again, isn't the worst thing in the world. he broke down and called me tonight, and sounded like a mess, asking if i still didnt want to see him, or if i had changed my mind. i still like him enough to be scared i might just open up to him.
i go meet up with a photographer, and i can't tell, you're acting like this is a date, and you pay for my food. i'm flattered. but i hope you dont try to kiss me, because i really just wanted to take some pictures(hehe, not naughty ones, just normal ones).
and i wonder, about the boy that helped me record. maybe he was too chicken to admit, who knows, maybe he just wanted to get in my pants too. he's found another girl thou, and we were better as friends anyway.
i think one of my best friends is mad (he's a guy) because i haven't slept with him too (although he hides it well) he hears about all my horror stories, and he's a good guy, but he's one of the only real friends i have. and we're better as friends.
The latin boy wants to take me out dancing, which would be fun, but he also wants me to send him naked pictures of myself, which being that i dont know him, and i've never met him, i'm inclined not to. i'm tempted to tell him about my SG account, but then again, he probably doesnt even deserve to see them in the first place.
there's my ex fling, a guy i actaully dated for a few months, that i see occasionally, and we get high. we try to be friends mostly. but once in a while, that leads to sex too. i just know that if it wasn't working before. it sure ain't gonna work again.
there's one boy i haven't met yet, that i think i want to, but i think i'm scared, because knowing that we have the same kinky tendencies probably means, that my attempt for 'not getting involved too fast' which i'm notorious for, would just be a lie. all and all that one isn't horrible, but that's because we've never met.
speaking of never met, is the boy that i love who i've now been talking to for 1 and a half years. its futile. we used to be more playfully seductive with each other..but then i went emotionally crazy.. being that i couldn't actaully BE with him. yea. so now we're just friends. and its futile. but i've tried to stop talking to him i think four different times. i've given up. we're just gonna talk. and never meet.
i was gonna say i think that's everyone. some have just fallen into the past category.
there's a boy i've been talking to for six years. or talked to rather for that long. when we first started talking, we talked on the phone for hours. he had never really had a girlfriend, so i was his first. soon after this, i got out of the army(haha, yea i was in the active army) and moved to austin. i was hoping we'd stay in touch. we did. from then in 2000, to probably nov 05. by this point he had moved to ohio, home, and then to go to school, colorado, wasnt gonna stay in texas, he hated it here. we had very long, deep, always intense conversations. he was intense about everything. somewhere along those six years, i told him i loved him, which is true, i do. i think he thought it meant something more like, i'd move to be with him at somepoint. not that he would ever open up enough emotionally to tell me that's what he wanted. i love austin too much to move for anyone. he tried soooo hard to get me out of my damaged self, to be exactly and live exactly as i wanted to. and he said at one point, if you still have all your bullshit (not living the life i want) then i dont want you to come and see me. and he's right. so i think to myself, it just became a promise to myself, that i really just wasn't going to waste his time to talk, unless i was free, living and being exactly as i wanted to be..and i'm sure as hell not that.. earlier in a previous conversation i had also said bluntly(too much so) that i thought hatred consumed more of his thoughts on life, than anything else. i had apologized for this overgeneralization, but i dont think he will ever forget.
there are my guardian angel boys, that are always there to keep my head up, when i feel like i'm drowning in mud. no matter how muddy life is, they still make me feel beautiful. one or two of the boys above fits into that category too.
i'm not sure what all this means. and i'm not even sure why i'm writing it. it just needed to pour out, so i'm letting it pour. its always so messy in my life. no clean wholesome, normal relationships. i guess nobody's elses are normal either. but it always is a like a hit to the chest when i re-realize that its been now 7 years since i've had a relationship last more than 2 months.
for all of you who have not yet had the chance to take off my clothes, and break my heart. you may yet have the chance.