luxdivon

i'm a sad state of affairs alright. what i would give to be caught up. caught up with my sink full of dishes. and cleaning my dirty car. and my bills, yea. not to mention the disaster that is my love life. what i would give to be in love. i must be shutting all those guys out huh. one week. one months. or two months and i gotta go because i'm way too scared my heart might start to feel something. i'll be good for a few hours. and then i'll sink down, and just crawl, and stay there, and then farther behind, i feel like i'm never going to catch up. not only that but i'm inhibited. i dont pursue what i love, i live a life in alot of respects i hate. its so easy to just keep hating. i obsess. i addict myslef. i break down, and think i'm making progress. but i'm not. i'm just back where i started moments, days, people later. there is no release. i just want to be caught up. i feel like it doesnt matter. i know somehow i wouldnt end up staying there. it seems so pointless sometimes. and then i know my self defeat is what's defeating. making it all the more poingant.

p.s. i had an amazing date on sunday. then he told me two days later, that there was this other girl, he had to figure out what he felt. oh that we should just be friends.
friend is a four letter word - cake.