so i can't tell. if i'm just lazy. or i'm depressed, or just too distracted. my house is a mess. my laundry which is finished and folded, is sitting in the cold outside because i just wont bring it in. why you ask? i have no fucking clue. i got some papers to set up my portfolio, but now they just sit with all the other papers blank. and some aren't blank. but they're definitely no closer to a portfolio. so i dont know why i dont care, that my dishes sit dirty, and my couch sits with clothes all over it. and i decide that i'd rather go read and devour myself into the book i have that is actaully holding my attention. the only ones that do are memoirs. of peoples fucked up emotional gut wrenching stories. so i sit. and i sit. and i sit some more. i took a shower so at least i'm clean, i just wish my thoughtful plans in my head today of having a sparkling house could come full circle into actaul reality.
i could make some coffee..
and stay up another three hours or so or four.
and then just have it be hell tommorow..
seems like no matter what i do i dont get much work done.
its like even when i'm enthused and inspired and full-up anymore, its still not enough to get me out of my chair, or out of my bed, if it means doing something towards the betterment of my own future on my own terms. yea i guess this is a rant. i'm so alone, that the only person i have to talk to is my SG journal. so here i am. people try to talk to me. try to meet up with me more, but i just wont let them. there is safety in silence. and with my cat.
i feel like that whatever is inside, needs to break down. break down into itty bitty pieces. its breaking down more but its still there. and its still solid enough, and it still controls my life. it controls my breath, and my sleep, and my eating, and my spending and my body. everybody should read this book by the way "million little pieces" good fucking book. sums it up pretty much. except he has a much much much worse case. but we've all got the same disease. hey at least here, we're honest about it. there's something to be said for pure frank brutal honesty. "honesty like that. . ." anyway. it makes me want to write long rants like this, and everything i said is true, my life is a mess, i am a mess, and i'm breaking it down, but its still not broken yet, and until i do. it gets to control me.
i could make some coffee..
and stay up another three hours or so or four.
and then just have it be hell tommorow..
seems like no matter what i do i dont get much work done.
its like even when i'm enthused and inspired and full-up anymore, its still not enough to get me out of my chair, or out of my bed, if it means doing something towards the betterment of my own future on my own terms. yea i guess this is a rant. i'm so alone, that the only person i have to talk to is my SG journal. so here i am. people try to talk to me. try to meet up with me more, but i just wont let them. there is safety in silence. and with my cat.
i feel like that whatever is inside, needs to break down. break down into itty bitty pieces. its breaking down more but its still there. and its still solid enough, and it still controls my life. it controls my breath, and my sleep, and my eating, and my spending and my body. everybody should read this book by the way "million little pieces" good fucking book. sums it up pretty much. except he has a much much much worse case. but we've all got the same disease. hey at least here, we're honest about it. there's something to be said for pure frank brutal honesty. "honesty like that. . ." anyway. it makes me want to write long rants like this, and everything i said is true, my life is a mess, i am a mess, and i'm breaking it down, but its still not broken yet, and until i do. it gets to control me.
flyer:
lazy and depressed go hand in hand. you get in a funk and have a hell of a time shaking it....we all suffer this. "most men live lives of quiet desperation" i love that quote(wish i knew who said it). best wishes! 
truthslayer:
Funny I am going through the same thing. I think in my case my heart is just someplace else and my body wants to run away to where it is hideing. It happens to us all though and goes just as easy as it comes.