FROM SAINT LUX - THE SG ALTERNATE BIBLE STUDY THEORIST
And the first hymn will appropriately be Saints by The Breeders
Being a devout atheist, my only interest in biblical studies it from the point of view of history; I once started reading a history of Christianity but had to stop at 400AD because I was so angry about what Christians were doing to each other in the name of Christ and God.
I watched a program on History Channel about what is missing from the Old Testament and it was fascinating. Full time employed Jewish scholars read the bible looking for information on named people, if they find a name but no other information then there must have been a text containing this information amongst thousands of scriptures that didn't make the final cut, or in SG language, didn't go PINK. There are thousands upon thousands of these old texts and it was here the discovery was made that Adam had a wife before Eve. Like ka-fucking-pow! So the bullshit we were fed at Sunday school really was bullshit, oh I likes it - this was now fingernail biting stuff. Man and woman were created simultaneously, wifey #1 had a bit of feminist, women's lib and Suicide Girl in her and stood up to Adam regarding what he decided was woman's work and ended up walking out on him; this is why Eve was created from Adam's rib. Now when the name of first wifey was given I thought "oh yeah, I've heard that name before, I will remember that". Next day it was gone from the grey matter for all time, so for want of a more suitable name we will call her Rys. What follows is my version drawing on information contained in the testaments (read blogs) from the fertile mind of Rys and the warped mind of Lux.
So Rys was constantly refusing to wash Adam's jocks, Adam wouldn't wash then as in his mind it was a girl's job. This went on for weeks until one night Rys couldn't stand the smell of him or his jocks anymore, so packed her things and left. Adam woke up with a morning glory, no Rys to be seen anywhere so he was stuck with it; remember this was the Garden of Eden and wanking had not yet been invented.
ADAM: Hey God, where's my woman? I need some nookie.
GOD: Adam, she has left you and will never return.
ADAM: What the fuck, so what are you going to do about it? I mean you told us we had to make babies and that bitch didn't want to shag unless it was her idea to do so, I want another one - don't sent that smartass back here, OK?
GOD: There is no other woman, but let me think about it.
God searches for and finds Rys.
GOD: Why did you leave Adam instead of having his children?
RYS: Did you smell him lately? Chauvinist pig he it, I've got better things to do like get a few more degrees.
GOD: What is that thing made from wood and leather?
RYS: It's called a strap on.
GOD: And what do you intend to do with it?
RYS: When I find you I'm going to peg you.
GOD: But I don't have any lube.
RYS: Yes, it's going to be most enjoyable, revenge is sweet!
GOD: Are you going to return to Adam?
RYS: No way Jose, or is that no way Heysoos? When I find where you hide, it will be collar and chain time for you boy and you will do as I say, understood?
GOD: Hey I like that name but I would spell it Jesus, can I use it?
RYS: Sure, whatever, just so long as I don't have to go back to that jerk.
So God goes to the next director's meeting in the great boardroom in the sky and has to explain his big stuff-up and why he gave the superior brain to the woman, he also suggested making another woman from Adam's rib. The directors are furious, they demote God to forever be the slave of Rys and give Albertine his former job as reward for the paper she put forward to the board of her ideas on portraying the human body for The Illustrated SG Bible. Albertine talks to Adam then reduces him to a pile of powdered doggie poo for being such a dick. Albertine then produced woman from clay and calls her Vivid, but in making such a perfect woman doesn't leave enough clay to create man; it was then that Albertine took God's idea and used a rib from Vivid and made Lux to serve and obey her.
Well something had to happen to put a smile on Lux's face, and it did. OK Vivid, let's start making babies!
Lux
And the first hymn will appropriately be Saints by The Breeders
Being a devout atheist, my only interest in biblical studies it from the point of view of history; I once started reading a history of Christianity but had to stop at 400AD because I was so angry about what Christians were doing to each other in the name of Christ and God.
I watched a program on History Channel about what is missing from the Old Testament and it was fascinating. Full time employed Jewish scholars read the bible looking for information on named people, if they find a name but no other information then there must have been a text containing this information amongst thousands of scriptures that didn't make the final cut, or in SG language, didn't go PINK. There are thousands upon thousands of these old texts and it was here the discovery was made that Adam had a wife before Eve. Like ka-fucking-pow! So the bullshit we were fed at Sunday school really was bullshit, oh I likes it - this was now fingernail biting stuff. Man and woman were created simultaneously, wifey #1 had a bit of feminist, women's lib and Suicide Girl in her and stood up to Adam regarding what he decided was woman's work and ended up walking out on him; this is why Eve was created from Adam's rib. Now when the name of first wifey was given I thought "oh yeah, I've heard that name before, I will remember that". Next day it was gone from the grey matter for all time, so for want of a more suitable name we will call her Rys. What follows is my version drawing on information contained in the testaments (read blogs) from the fertile mind of Rys and the warped mind of Lux.
So Rys was constantly refusing to wash Adam's jocks, Adam wouldn't wash then as in his mind it was a girl's job. This went on for weeks until one night Rys couldn't stand the smell of him or his jocks anymore, so packed her things and left. Adam woke up with a morning glory, no Rys to be seen anywhere so he was stuck with it; remember this was the Garden of Eden and wanking had not yet been invented.
ADAM: Hey God, where's my woman? I need some nookie.
GOD: Adam, she has left you and will never return.
ADAM: What the fuck, so what are you going to do about it? I mean you told us we had to make babies and that bitch didn't want to shag unless it was her idea to do so, I want another one - don't sent that smartass back here, OK?
GOD: There is no other woman, but let me think about it.
God searches for and finds Rys.
GOD: Why did you leave Adam instead of having his children?
RYS: Did you smell him lately? Chauvinist pig he it, I've got better things to do like get a few more degrees.
GOD: What is that thing made from wood and leather?
RYS: It's called a strap on.
GOD: And what do you intend to do with it?
RYS: When I find you I'm going to peg you.
GOD: But I don't have any lube.
RYS: Yes, it's going to be most enjoyable, revenge is sweet!
GOD: Are you going to return to Adam?
RYS: No way Jose, or is that no way Heysoos? When I find where you hide, it will be collar and chain time for you boy and you will do as I say, understood?
GOD: Hey I like that name but I would spell it Jesus, can I use it?
RYS: Sure, whatever, just so long as I don't have to go back to that jerk.
So God goes to the next director's meeting in the great boardroom in the sky and has to explain his big stuff-up and why he gave the superior brain to the woman, he also suggested making another woman from Adam's rib. The directors are furious, they demote God to forever be the slave of Rys and give Albertine his former job as reward for the paper she put forward to the board of her ideas on portraying the human body for The Illustrated SG Bible. Albertine talks to Adam then reduces him to a pile of powdered doggie poo for being such a dick. Albertine then produced woman from clay and calls her Vivid, but in making such a perfect woman doesn't leave enough clay to create man; it was then that Albertine took God's idea and used a rib from Vivid and made Lux to serve and obey her.
Well something had to happen to put a smile on Lux's face, and it did. OK Vivid, let's start making babies!
Lux
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I'll be there one day. Promise.