Sorry I haven't been around lately...
My beloved female doberman, LuLu, was hit by a car recently, and ended up dying after several agonizing hours in the emergency.....we are just so devastated...words can't even describe how horrifying the last week has been...and the awful heart ache I feel every minute of every day...
Mostly I hurt for our other doberman, Gage. Our dogs were inseparable, and madly in love.
I was home sick from work, and one of the times I let them outside during the evening, they got out of our yard somehow, and LuLu ran out infront of a car. We live on a blind hill, and it was very icy....the woman could not stop her car in time....
I can't get the image out of my head...walking out the front door in my robe to see my baby laying across the porch vomiting blood, shitting herself, and going pale from shock....it was almost unbearable.
She was hit by the car, and then dragged herself onto the porch trying to come home.
I ran inside threw on some clothes next to the door, and ran outside with blankets. I covered her with them and sobbed madly holding her, trying to keep her warm with my body heat while I waited for animal control to show up. Dane was tattooing, and had the car so I had no way to take her myself.
Animal control showed up, and we lifted her onto the stretcher.
They would not let me into the truck, so I stood at the end of my driveway with strangers wailing, and balling uncontrollably until Dane came home to get me...he stopped in the middle of his tattoo, and rushed home.
We then raced to the vet hoping she would still be alive when we got there...she was, but barely...she was trying really hard to die during the X-rays...when she stopped breathing I shook her madly and she started breathing again after a large, gut wrenching groan.
We saw that she had no broken bones...but that her lungs were collapsing, and she has horrible internal injuries. The vet was closing in 30 minutes...
We quickly unhooked her from the morphine, and drip, ripped off the heating pads, and put her into the back of the car to rush to the emergency over night vet down the street....at 105lbs she takes up the whole back seat of my car...I spend the whole mad dash bent over her pleading with her to not die....
We get to the emergency, and lift her by stretcher into the back room....after grabbing her, hugging her, and telling her she had to come home and see Gage again, we are escorted into a waiting room. Dane has to leave me immediately to get the excess of money that we will need upfront for them seeing her. I sit by myself in this dim room pleading with....well, I don't know...for her not to die.
After, what seemed like an eternity, the veterinarian came into the room to brief me on how her lung had collapsed, her severity of shock, her blood pressure bottoming out so hard that they couldn't get a read, the possibility of her diaphragm/liver/intestines being torn asunder and protruding into her chest cavity...how it was quite likely that she would not come back from this state...and of course, how much money I had before they went on any further. I was then led to the awful bench in the waiting room where I sobbed, and moaned, and raked my face with my nails for another eternity while I waited for Dane to return with our "deposit".
When he came back, we still had to wait for quite some time before we were led into yet another waiting room.
The same vet comes back in...with a pile of x-rays literally falling out of her hands onto the floor... she turns out the lights. She then began to calmly walk us through what we were seeing.....her lung taps were successful in re-inflating her lungs so she could breathe on her own....her blood pressure had, even to her surprise, came back up....she showed us a bulging liver, and uncertain black pools of fluids.
She showed us her belly X-rays...instead of crisp outlines of intestines there seemed to be phaseless gelatinous masses. She warns us, although some conditions are improving, once her hydration is complete and her blood pressure steadies...other more serious internal problems and bleeding could become apparent.
We were permitted to go back and see her....she's laying in a steel cage on the floor, covered in heating pads, and tubes. She is happy to see us, we pet her softly, and speak kind words to her for a while.. she is so happy to see us she tries to move triggering long gasping groans with every breath from the pain.
We need to go, she was getting worked up.
She tells us to go home and try to rest...if she survives, we are to pick her up at 8am sharp, and transfer her back to our vet. If she doesn't call it is good, if she calls, it is most likely fatal.
We are home long enough for me to put on Pajamas and walk downstairs...the phone rings, my heart sinks.
It is the Vet calling, LuLu was crashing...once her hydration was done, and her blood pressure was stable, the lacerations in her belly began bleeding profusely....we were to come down immediately to make a decision.
I almost faint trying to put clothes on....this just can't be happening to us....this has to be some sort of nightmare...I just keep blurting over and over again that I can't kill my baby....I can barely see through my tears, or think with my whopping migraine...Gage has been waiting at the door for his lover, his best friend to come back through...
Dane and I sob, and plead the whole way back to the vet...our hearts breaking.
Gage cannot come say good-bye to her.
We are rushed into the back room on arrival, she lays there where we left her, the colour gone from her flesh again...her eyes dimmed...her gums where white from the lack of blood pressure in her veins....
Dane had crawled into the cage by her head, and sat silently crying, I lay on the floor beside her tangled in power cords, machines, and tubes crying so hard I'm dry heaving, and drooling onto the floor...
The vet tells us that we have 3 choices.
Slow agonizing death.
Euthanization.
Or to unhook her from everything, throw her back in the car, drive 2 hours to Guelph for emergency after-hours surgery that would cost upwards of $6000.00. if she even made it...with a 20% chance of survival...but she was likely to die within 20minutes of being off support and meds.
We knew what we had to say, but just couldn't.
We were left alone to cradle her in despair for some time....maybe 10 minutes...maybe 30...I couldn't tell.
When the tech came over I told her we would put her down through gulps, and gasps...
LuLu's pain meds began to wear off, she came to, and looked up at us with sad eyes and started moaning again so loud with every breath that every hurried person, and ill animal in the vicinity became silent, and still.
She was shot up again with morphine, layed her head down, and drifted back into an almost comatose state.
This would last another 15 minutes or so before she roused again.
Dane and I sat there crying and petting her for a while, I just kept asking How Gage going to live without her, how are we going to go on....my poor poor LuLu, I'm so sorry...
She begins to come out of the meds again, and starts to lift her head to see us...she knows shes dying, shes in agony...she's so confused....I can tell she is comforted by our presence, and lays her head back down.
I crawl half way into the cage and grab her head tightly between my arms, and press her face against mine firmly eye to eye as the vet gives her the needle...I say I love her over, and over again as she dies in my arms.
She's gone. My sweet girl is dead. My dear LuLu....I cradle her silent body for quite a while crying...when I finally pull my face away from hers I realize I'm covered in her blood.
I lay her head back down softly, and close her eyes... I can't help but feel the eyes of the staff that sat watching this whole ordeal....I solemnly take her collar off....and listen to the blur of voices expressing their condolences...I sign her cremation papers still covered in blood, sitting in a pool of my own tears, and saliva on the floor.
We pet the side of her neck, and face, and say good-bye forever.
I have to hold onto Dane's shirt as he walks me back out front to not collapse, or walk into things....
He goes to pay...oblivious to those in the waiting room I stagger out from the back sobbing, feeling infront of me to not bump into things...clutching my baby's collar, and my bloody headress.
I try to find the bench, and can't...I plunk on the floor and bawl my eyes out relentlessly, hugging these items beside a young alarmed couple...they sat watching me.
Eventually we settle the staggering bill, after tapping out our overdraft, visas, and taking an advance from our shop to settle up the rest.
I trudge to the bathroom to wash her blood from me.
I crumple into our car.
there would be no sleep tonight...it's already around 2am...We try to coerce Gage from his post at the window, he doesn't understand our weeping...every noise makes him spring up to see if she's there.
I say her name a few times by accident...
We spent the entire morning holding eachother and crying.
The next few days we tied to keep busy, for everytime I sat still I broke down. everytime I had to see something of hers....taking away her bowl so Gage would stop nudging it...putting away her leash and prong...
Scraping her blood off the front porch was really hard. It brought back flashes of the horrifying sight.
We had to chip away at the blood soaked ice for some time, and use 5 buckets of hot water to wash it all away so Gage wouldn't see it.
It won't ever be the same..it doesn't get easier to think about her.
Gage is so lonely...
Now we just wait for the call to pick up her ashes.
Dane and Luscious are sad pandas.
R.I.P LuLu.
Oh god, it was so hard to write this, but it helps in some way...I think I scratched my eye with paper towel.
I'm gonna go home and hug Gage.
My beloved female doberman, LuLu, was hit by a car recently, and ended up dying after several agonizing hours in the emergency.....we are just so devastated...words can't even describe how horrifying the last week has been...and the awful heart ache I feel every minute of every day...
Mostly I hurt for our other doberman, Gage. Our dogs were inseparable, and madly in love.
I was home sick from work, and one of the times I let them outside during the evening, they got out of our yard somehow, and LuLu ran out infront of a car. We live on a blind hill, and it was very icy....the woman could not stop her car in time....
I can't get the image out of my head...walking out the front door in my robe to see my baby laying across the porch vomiting blood, shitting herself, and going pale from shock....it was almost unbearable.
She was hit by the car, and then dragged herself onto the porch trying to come home.
I ran inside threw on some clothes next to the door, and ran outside with blankets. I covered her with them and sobbed madly holding her, trying to keep her warm with my body heat while I waited for animal control to show up. Dane was tattooing, and had the car so I had no way to take her myself.
Animal control showed up, and we lifted her onto the stretcher.
They would not let me into the truck, so I stood at the end of my driveway with strangers wailing, and balling uncontrollably until Dane came home to get me...he stopped in the middle of his tattoo, and rushed home.
We then raced to the vet hoping she would still be alive when we got there...she was, but barely...she was trying really hard to die during the X-rays...when she stopped breathing I shook her madly and she started breathing again after a large, gut wrenching groan.
We saw that she had no broken bones...but that her lungs were collapsing, and she has horrible internal injuries. The vet was closing in 30 minutes...
We quickly unhooked her from the morphine, and drip, ripped off the heating pads, and put her into the back of the car to rush to the emergency over night vet down the street....at 105lbs she takes up the whole back seat of my car...I spend the whole mad dash bent over her pleading with her to not die....
We get to the emergency, and lift her by stretcher into the back room....after grabbing her, hugging her, and telling her she had to come home and see Gage again, we are escorted into a waiting room. Dane has to leave me immediately to get the excess of money that we will need upfront for them seeing her. I sit by myself in this dim room pleading with....well, I don't know...for her not to die.
After, what seemed like an eternity, the veterinarian came into the room to brief me on how her lung had collapsed, her severity of shock, her blood pressure bottoming out so hard that they couldn't get a read, the possibility of her diaphragm/liver/intestines being torn asunder and protruding into her chest cavity...how it was quite likely that she would not come back from this state...and of course, how much money I had before they went on any further. I was then led to the awful bench in the waiting room where I sobbed, and moaned, and raked my face with my nails for another eternity while I waited for Dane to return with our "deposit".
When he came back, we still had to wait for quite some time before we were led into yet another waiting room.
The same vet comes back in...with a pile of x-rays literally falling out of her hands onto the floor... she turns out the lights. She then began to calmly walk us through what we were seeing.....her lung taps were successful in re-inflating her lungs so she could breathe on her own....her blood pressure had, even to her surprise, came back up....she showed us a bulging liver, and uncertain black pools of fluids.
She showed us her belly X-rays...instead of crisp outlines of intestines there seemed to be phaseless gelatinous masses. She warns us, although some conditions are improving, once her hydration is complete and her blood pressure steadies...other more serious internal problems and bleeding could become apparent.
We were permitted to go back and see her....she's laying in a steel cage on the floor, covered in heating pads, and tubes. She is happy to see us, we pet her softly, and speak kind words to her for a while.. she is so happy to see us she tries to move triggering long gasping groans with every breath from the pain.
We need to go, she was getting worked up.
She tells us to go home and try to rest...if she survives, we are to pick her up at 8am sharp, and transfer her back to our vet. If she doesn't call it is good, if she calls, it is most likely fatal.
We are home long enough for me to put on Pajamas and walk downstairs...the phone rings, my heart sinks.
It is the Vet calling, LuLu was crashing...once her hydration was done, and her blood pressure was stable, the lacerations in her belly began bleeding profusely....we were to come down immediately to make a decision.
I almost faint trying to put clothes on....this just can't be happening to us....this has to be some sort of nightmare...I just keep blurting over and over again that I can't kill my baby....I can barely see through my tears, or think with my whopping migraine...Gage has been waiting at the door for his lover, his best friend to come back through...
Dane and I sob, and plead the whole way back to the vet...our hearts breaking.
Gage cannot come say good-bye to her.
We are rushed into the back room on arrival, she lays there where we left her, the colour gone from her flesh again...her eyes dimmed...her gums where white from the lack of blood pressure in her veins....
Dane had crawled into the cage by her head, and sat silently crying, I lay on the floor beside her tangled in power cords, machines, and tubes crying so hard I'm dry heaving, and drooling onto the floor...
The vet tells us that we have 3 choices.
Slow agonizing death.
Euthanization.
Or to unhook her from everything, throw her back in the car, drive 2 hours to Guelph for emergency after-hours surgery that would cost upwards of $6000.00. if she even made it...with a 20% chance of survival...but she was likely to die within 20minutes of being off support and meds.
We knew what we had to say, but just couldn't.
We were left alone to cradle her in despair for some time....maybe 10 minutes...maybe 30...I couldn't tell.
When the tech came over I told her we would put her down through gulps, and gasps...
LuLu's pain meds began to wear off, she came to, and looked up at us with sad eyes and started moaning again so loud with every breath that every hurried person, and ill animal in the vicinity became silent, and still.
She was shot up again with morphine, layed her head down, and drifted back into an almost comatose state.
This would last another 15 minutes or so before she roused again.
Dane and I sat there crying and petting her for a while, I just kept asking How Gage going to live without her, how are we going to go on....my poor poor LuLu, I'm so sorry...
She begins to come out of the meds again, and starts to lift her head to see us...she knows shes dying, shes in agony...she's so confused....I can tell she is comforted by our presence, and lays her head back down.
I crawl half way into the cage and grab her head tightly between my arms, and press her face against mine firmly eye to eye as the vet gives her the needle...I say I love her over, and over again as she dies in my arms.
She's gone. My sweet girl is dead. My dear LuLu....I cradle her silent body for quite a while crying...when I finally pull my face away from hers I realize I'm covered in her blood.
I lay her head back down softly, and close her eyes... I can't help but feel the eyes of the staff that sat watching this whole ordeal....I solemnly take her collar off....and listen to the blur of voices expressing their condolences...I sign her cremation papers still covered in blood, sitting in a pool of my own tears, and saliva on the floor.
We pet the side of her neck, and face, and say good-bye forever.
I have to hold onto Dane's shirt as he walks me back out front to not collapse, or walk into things....
He goes to pay...oblivious to those in the waiting room I stagger out from the back sobbing, feeling infront of me to not bump into things...clutching my baby's collar, and my bloody headress.
I try to find the bench, and can't...I plunk on the floor and bawl my eyes out relentlessly, hugging these items beside a young alarmed couple...they sat watching me.
Eventually we settle the staggering bill, after tapping out our overdraft, visas, and taking an advance from our shop to settle up the rest.
I trudge to the bathroom to wash her blood from me.
I crumple into our car.
there would be no sleep tonight...it's already around 2am...We try to coerce Gage from his post at the window, he doesn't understand our weeping...every noise makes him spring up to see if she's there.
I say her name a few times by accident...
We spent the entire morning holding eachother and crying.
The next few days we tied to keep busy, for everytime I sat still I broke down. everytime I had to see something of hers....taking away her bowl so Gage would stop nudging it...putting away her leash and prong...
Scraping her blood off the front porch was really hard. It brought back flashes of the horrifying sight.
We had to chip away at the blood soaked ice for some time, and use 5 buckets of hot water to wash it all away so Gage wouldn't see it.
It won't ever be the same..it doesn't get easier to think about her.
Gage is so lonely...
Now we just wait for the call to pick up her ashes.
Dane and Luscious are sad pandas.
R.I.P LuLu.
Oh god, it was so hard to write this, but it helps in some way...I think I scratched my eye with paper towel.
I'm gonna go home and hug Gage.
VIEW 25 of 136 COMMENTS
dixon:
OMG im in shock about Lulu, thats so horrible..poor poor Gage
ur experience is a real heart wrencher, i love my friends dogs as if they were my own, i can only imagine the agony of what ur going through...
ur experience is a real heart wrencher, i love my friends dogs as if they were my own, i can only imagine the agony of what ur going through...
chanel:
oh my darling woman, im so sorry!!!!!