lurch83

"What dont kill you lets you live
To remember what it did
Im a bit relieved youre still the same
Cause theres no illusion youve changed

And the more I learn the less I know
And the deeper it feels the less it shows
There was a time, and a day
When I didnt think I would be here

Now its all over
I see now
Im a veteran of things I dont want to be"

so for all you people who have made comments on my drawings, firstly i would have to say thanks. it is much appreciated. but whilst i think they are okay, i've seen heaps better. but still thanks.

okay so i have this thing happening at mine tomorrow night. a friend of mine has organised for some of her friends to have a get together at mine to not piss off her flat mates, but really she wants to see if she can hook me up. i don't know that anything can happen so i'm going to be immersing myself in the booze. me and one mate are driving to cobbity to grab 12 bottles of lambrusco, so we can get shitfaced and still have plenty of stock to last a few months. don't drink wine often and we just have the strange urge to this week so light head city here we come.

argh, i just don't know what i want anyway. i'm sick of being alone, but then i am a loner, and as such don't handle the same company for a couple of days very well. i like to have a lot of different people to just see this day and new ones the next. kind of a fleeting glimpse and then disappear to return later for a short time. i don't really like monotony. i have no problems with monogamy, just don't like the feeling of a cage. i need to be free to not have to ring in for a day or two. just until i am comfortable with the idea of having to share my life. or do i just want to fucking much.

i have this real problem with control. not having to tell other people what to do, but i do need to make my own decisions. i don't like being able to have others to blame for the tight squeeze i am in. i'd much rather have to turn around and say i fucked up and now these are the consequences. i don't want to be able to go but i have to pay for a mistake that had nothing to do with me. poor me. fuck that. if i have a car crash and i was driving, then i should have better control of the car. if i'm the passenger then but why did this happen to me.

maybe i'm to hard on myself. and maybe i am just trying to be tougher than my grandmother, but who wants their grandmother to be tougher than them. not me. so she was a freak. kiama to blacktown in a valiant with just a handbrake, cause the brakes were gone, learning to drive in a twin gearstick truck. she was a control freak too. i wonder if i got that from her???

she was one tough bitch, and even though she could have put most men to shame, i still have the need to be tougher and stronger, in both the physical and in will, or else as a man i am a failure. i suppose everyone has their dilemma. so i'm jut going to shut up now...