lupine

i am once again reminded why i cannot live permenently on the east coast.

when i got here in june i was full of spit and fire, eager for all the uses of my energy, primed to do everything i could. july was hard but rewarding; i suffered from multipal setbacks and things at work took a small dive south. there was good in that month, lots of it, but my storehouse of energy was slowly dwindling. especially in the romance department.

now, as we enter august, i'm exhusted. i have less then one month here and i want to make it a good one but i'm not too sure how. back in california i would know what to do: pack a lunch, a book, a journal and a lot of water and head up into the hills. see the trees, stare at the view, listen to the wind. i would spend all day up there and come down laregely refreshed. its not the whole answer, of course; usually i only start feeling better twelve or so hours AFTER my trip into the woods. but it would have gotten the job done just the same.

here i have no equivelent. furthermore, i really don't even have smaller, lesser tricks to pull. i have no connection to the land here, no feeling of a benevolent spirit beneath my feet and everywhere i go i sense only deathdeathdeath. its much worse in the winter.

my challange is clear: get balanced with myself and have a good month or not balance and have hundreds of little ups and downs fuck with my head. how does one do that when no where for hundreds of miles feels like home?