lunette

"What Love Ain't" by Nic Sheff



I have no idea what love is to most people. I have no idea what love is supposed to be. I have no idea what a healthy relationship should look like. I have no idea what society considers normal in terms of falling in love, being in love, and acting on that. I have no fucking idea. And, you know, I guess I dont really care anymore.

I am me.

More and more Im coming to understand who that is. Through group therapy, one on one therapy, supportive friends, writing, living, reflectionIve begun to find out who I am underneath all the protective coverings and drawn curtains and stained, twisted sheets. Ive started to see myselfmy true selfhiding somewhere behind my lungs maybesome unreachable center in me.

I have an intensity inside of me that can be destructive as hell, but can also cut me wide open so that I feel sadness and joy and freedom and empathy and love like fucking stars burning out and the sun captured inside every living thing.

Thats how it feelsin every artery pumping blood through my body.

But love, right? Love.

Maybe what Im feeling isnt love at all. Maybe its lust or infatuation or addiction or obsession. Maybe its all those things.

But, to me, its love. I experience it as love. I experience it like being lifted high up above the ever thinning atmosphere. I experience it like having my chest crushed in, my bones splintering, stomach acid eating through the lining.

Is that love?

Whos to say? I mean, who can even define love anyway? Its such a completely abstract conceptand so totally subjective.

So that is love for me.

Entangled with my lover, our legs entwined, skin against skin, gripping our hands togetherlying like that, I couldnt help but cry silently to myself. The tears came on me and I couldnt stop them. I didnt want to. The intensity of my emotions are apart of who I am.

I was crying out of sadness for everything thats come before.

I was crying out of gratitude for survivingfor having my life today.

I was crying because I felt such overwhelming, penetrating love for her.

But go ahead and tell me its not love.

Tell me what love is.
Tell me what God is.
Tell me how the world formed and why.
Tell me how things should be.
Tell me how I should be.
Tell me how they should be.

One friend of mine needs to wear diapers while getting fucked in order to get off.
One friend of mine signed a contract with her husband that he completely owned her and could use her body any way he wanted. Mostly hes into inflicting pain. Mostly shes in to receiving it. She has a piercing between her legs with a lock that closes her shut. Her husband holds the only key.
One friend of mine can only cum if shes touched or gone down on.
One friend of mine can only cum if you find a certain place inside.
One friend of mine only falls for older women.
One friend of mine only falls for younger boys.
Friends of mine are gay.
Friends of mine are straight.
Friends of mine are bi.
Friends of mine can never make commitments.
Friends of mine always fall in love.

So whos right?
And whos wrong?
Whos sick?
And whos well?

If nothing else, after everything Ive been for, I can honestly say that Ive learned to have compassion for every point of view, every kink, every attempt at finding happiness, or peace, or whatever.

I mean, who am I to judge?

Who are any of us to judge?

So long as no one is getting hurt or violated against their will, what the fuck do I care what love and satisfaction is for them?

All our stories, all our pasts, all or different genetic make-ups, all these things just add to the beautiful insanity that is our dysfunctional humanity. We all hold universes inside of us. We are all so intricate and complex. There are no concrete emotional truths. Feelings are entirely individual. Thats why they are so totally amazing.

Imagine a world where we could give up our judgments of other peopleour strange desire to want everyone to be like ourselves. Whats true for you is not necessarily true for you. Your values are right for you, but theyre not necessarily right for me.

I was reading The Onion newspaper the other day. One of the headlines was something like, Half of the population who youd never even talk to is voting for someone else. I mean, its kind of true. Our country is divided into two very distinct political ideologies. Nothing one side can say will ever change the other peoples minds. Each one thinks the other is totally fucking crazy.

Which one is right?

I think I know, but thats just me.

And who am I to give anything but my opinion, while I respect the different opinions and decisions of the people around me.

Besides, our differences are just about the only thing that keeps this whole living thing interesting.

Maybe thats why discovering who I am is so importantand why I need to come to accept and honor what makes me what I amdevastating faults, confusion and all.

My love is my love.

Your love is yours.

And I got no problem with that.