luminaire

There are days for sarcasm; days for jokes. There are some days where I would have made fun of my misfortune. This is not one of those days. This is the breaking point. This is depression at its finest. This is suicide in its beginnings. This is the hour that I lose my sanity. This is the moment that you've all been waiting for. This is the time that I reveal what I truly am; because no one but me knows what I am truly capable of. There is a hate that burns within; the most desperate place I have ever been. Try to get back to where I'm from; the closer I get the worse it becomes the closer I get the worse it becomes.

I have lost. I am no more. I have nothing anymore; everything I've worked for doesn't matter, and everything I have is chaos. For the past 5 years I have tried, in vain, to change myself into something that I could control; into something that anyone would like. I have spent the last 5 years lying to everyone. My friends, my family, my co-workers, all of them. I am a pathological liar, and I can't stop. My faces know no bounds; there is no facet of myself that I have not embellished in some manner. I almost believe my lies; I've told them for that long. You dont know me; you know nothing about me. You think youve got some inside track, you think Ive opened up to you. You think you know, but you have no idea. The me that you know, he used to have feelings, but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay.

I'm not good at what I do. I can't test, I have no work ethic. I skate by on some miniscule bullshit that I can dish out day to day. I manage. I don't make any money, and I have no future here. I am uneducated, and unwilling to learn. I have cheated, and stolen work from people around me. I have fought my best friends for jobs, and won. And for what? I have nothing to show for it except smoldering bridges behind me; paths that lie dead in my wake. I am a head of cattle that thinks he can take on the whole beef industry. I once had a dream; but now that dream is gone from me. Soon they will find out what a hack I am; one of these days theyll find out that Ive been faking it all this time. There is no place I can go, there is no way I can hide.

I am an asshole. I have created rifts between people that there is no bridging. Make no mistake, I am capable of no good. My anger wells inside me, and I fear it will erupt soon. I will manipulate, pester, and whine my way into getting what I want. And when I don't get it, there's emotional hell to pay. I am a hypocrite of the worst kind. I have helped others for selfish gain. I have given so that I might steal. I am controlling, but I cannot control myself. I am a perfectionist that is forever doomed to imperfection. I am locked in my head with what Ive done. I know youre trying to rescue me, didnt let anyone believe. Left with a place with all that was, and all that could have been.

I'm terrible at relationships. I suck in bed. My gross ineptitude is only outweighed by the fact that I seem to not care one bit how you feel. I will come into your life, sweep you off your feet, cheat on you, ask you for more, yell at you, act like youre not eve there. Ill torture you, Ill ignore you, Ill love you, Ill hate you. Ill sleep with your best friend, Ill toss your cares to the wind. Ill lie to you about myself, and my feelings. Ill gain your trust, and then Ill throw it away like the wasted time that it apparently was. Youll wish you never met me. Youll wonder what you ever saw in my sadistic face. Youll ask yourself how could someone get this bad. I am that ex-boyfriend that never leaves you alone. I am that stalker you met at a bar. I am that guy that everyone talks about. I am that urban legend that no one thinks is true. Grey would be the color, if I had a heart.

Run. Run from me. Run far away. Run until you don't know where you are. Run until you can't hear. Run until you can't see. Run as far from me as you can. I'll abuse you, I'll beat you, I'll fuck you, I'll tend to your wounds, and then stab you somewhere else. No good can come of me. Given the choice of good and evil, I inexplicably choose the wrong thing in every situation. You can't depend on me. You can't rely on me. You cant make me better, because I am too far gone. And even if you tried, Id hate you for it, and Id push you away. Tried so hard to make the pieces all fit; smash it apart just for the fuck of it.

I dont deserve the friends that I have; I gained them through unethical means. I dont deserve the life that Ive made; I built it on lies. I deserve to be shot in the head. I deserve to be stripped of everything, and left bleeding in the street. I deserve to be treated in the same manner that I treated you. I deserve no respect. I deserve cancer, and every STD that you can think of. I deserve a fate that God himself should devise. I deserve to rot, to burn, to scream, to pay for what Ive done. I should walk the frozen streets alone in the dark. My sins are numerous, and there is no hope. I deserve Hell, because thats what Ive made for every person and object I have come into contact with. I am a walking whirlwind of everything you hate. Please, take this, and run far away, far away from here. I am tainted, the two of us were never meant to be. All these pieces, and promises, and left behinds, if only I could see. In my nothing, you are everything, everything to me.

Dont call me. Dont e-mail me. Dont write. Dont ask. Dont wonder. Dont apologize. Dont try and make me feel better. Just run. You might be next. You could be the next person that I kill. The worst part of all of this is that I care less about myself, than I care about any of you. How else could this happen? There is no hope, there is no salvation. There is no end in sight. There is no change. Ruin me. Erase me. Smash me. I can feel the not-so-slow erosion of my will, my faith, my soul. Tried to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away.

I am sorry; for what it's worth. Someday it might be different. I can't see far enough in front of my own feet to tell you.