Taking stock of 2005. Thoughts on 2006
What was your 2005 like? I'm trying to get a handle on mine. I think I can honestly say, that this was one of the worst years of my life. I can honestly also say, that this was one of the best years of my life. It was if nothing else, a year of extremes. Lets do this list style. Bad. Then Good. Then misc. (things that are interesting or weird, but not really good or bad I suppose)
BAD - Someone whom I liked very much died. Killed herself I should say. Took Cyanide, which is something I thought only happened in Spy novels. This was weird and awful for a variety of reasons. A fairly good number of my friends have died. This was the first time where I really felt robbed of time with the person. The others were all people I had spent years and years with. That makes it worse in some ways. Closer friends and such. But with this lady, I felt like we could have been closer. I feel like it was a relationship that I never really explored, and that is killing me now. I wonder how great our friendship could have been in the time we were living on the same coast. It's taken me a while to really get a handle on this one. I feel awful for ALL of the reasons one feels awful when someone dies. That hardly needs to be addressed. There is more to it though. My relationship to her. I never actively pursued spending time with her (Not that she would have wanted to, she may very well have shot me done in flames had I actually asked) mostly because I was nervous of what my then GF would think. I'm not a novice at relationships, but that I fell into such a stupid pit as that......She was wonderfull. And terrible. I'll miss her.
BAD - My long term (just shy of 5 years) relationship ended. Horribly. Most of you are aware of this. I've rambled on and on about it at length. Just a few short sentences, I promise. It crushed me. Destroyed my faith in all that was good in the world. Left me somewhat insane and paranoid. I acted in a most Un-Bunny fashion for a while. Alot of what happened in my life this year, negative as well as positive stemmed from this.
BAD - I picked up without a plan and moved accross the country to a city I had never been to (Portland) and moved in with an older gentleman benefactor.
BAD - Had that situation fall apart and was homeless for the first time in 10 years.
BAD - Had the single worst job of my life pumping gas. 6am-2pm Mon-Fri.
BAD - Endured the worst health of my life. Had more debilitating illnesses that lasted longer than ever before. Probably stemming from the lack of home, sleep, and food that went on. Also developed nasty arm problems. Carpel/Cubital tunnel. My arms are fucked.
BAD - 2 of my oldest friends developed large heroin addictions.
Hmmm....Maybe that's it. There is alot of stuff that seemed bad at the time, but now seems in the larger context to be good, or at least not TOO bad. Maybe the things listed above don't seem like big deals, but it made this year one of the strangest and most painful ever.
GOOD - Had my first comic published. This.....still makes me giddy and nerdy when I think about it. Without a doubt the coolest thing of this past year was cracking open true porn 2 and seeing my name there. Wow.
GOOD - I pulled myself out of the neurotic, socially inept, fucked brain, drooling funk I had been in for years. I have met more amazing people this year than in the last decade put together. S-Dog, Trevor, Ken, Claire, Kristen, JD, Paige, Heather, Angelique, Rob, Jenna, Ezra, Gretchen, Eli, Asiya, Owen, Tony, Vinka, Aurora, Suki, Meghan, Hannah, Amie, Karen, Nicholas, Michael, Cool Breeze, Ben, Stephanie, Echo, Kate, Matt, Daniel, Shelly, Lydia, Bruce, Erin.....I know there are man ymore that I just cannot think of at this second. You all kept me (Mostly) sane while my life was falling apart around me, and you all make me so happy that I was able to spend time with you. I feel unbelievably fortunate. I hope (and think) that most of these friendships will endure. In some capacity at least.
GOOD - I lucked into the best apartment in Portland.
GOOD - I had two of the best jobs of my life. Atomic Coffee in MN, and Bridge city comics here in Portland.
GOOD - I maybe grew up enough to stay put in one place for a while. I think it's more that I found the place that suits me. I have no interest in leaving Portland anytime soon. I would like to travel from here, but not moving on. I haven't stayed put in anyplace for more than a year since I was 17. Syracuse being the only exception because that is the hometown I kept landing back in.
GOOD - Took my first cross country roadtrip. 1500 miles over 3 days. At the time it was a balls out speed freak run away from MN. But I knew enough to soak in the beauty of the trip itself. It did much for me.
GOOD - Lost well over 50 pounds. I was a fat fuck. I am now a slightly less fat fuck.
GOOD - Got to know my body more. I had many days and nights of endurance fucking pleasure. The human body truly is a resiliant little fucker. I danced more than I thought i ever could. I fell in love with it all over again.
GOOD - Calmed down. Am getting slightly better at keeping politics in their place. Not getting dragged down by everything that is horrible in the world. I am not quite as miserable as I used to be. It was very funny to me when, I was newly arived here and more than a few people commented on my earthy attitude, very zen they called me! ME?! Are you fucking kidding???
GOOD - Something I can't really describe. I have opened since I have been here. I am still the same man. But not, at all. My life and my brain barely resemble what they were 2 years ago. I feel smarter, more whole, less ego maniacal (but only slightly
Just......better. Something. Words fail.
Yes. There is one more big, hopefully good thing. But I am still working it out in my head. At the end probably....
MISC - I became a hooker. I engage in sexual relations with Men for money. It has been both good and bad. The jury is still out on this one....
MISC - I had sex with more people in 2005 than I have for the last 8 years combined. This is true.
MISC - I fell out of love with music. This could go into the bad category, but I don't really feel much of a lack. I still LIKE music alot. But am no longer the rabid voracious swallower that I used to be. That is for comics now
Well. I guess that is it for the lists. I have a bit of a headache. There must be more, for these look very slim and I feel like this year was jam packed non stop with stuff. Maybe more will occur to me later.
So. The big thing that I was talking about? Jessica (the ex) will be here in a week and a half. To live. Goodnight.
Ok, Ok fine. Just a little bit more. No, we are not dating, working things out, fucking, or continuing our relationship in any sense. She is moving here because Portland is amazing, and she feels she needs to be near me to feel fully human. She has been a pale shade of what she was when I was around. That last bit is not true. It is true that she is my best friend. We weren't for a long time. But she is. It is undeniable. It will be wonderful to have my best friend back around. Yes I am nervous as fuck all. That's all you get for now. You greedy little cunts.....
What was your 2005 like? I'm trying to get a handle on mine. I think I can honestly say, that this was one of the worst years of my life. I can honestly also say, that this was one of the best years of my life. It was if nothing else, a year of extremes. Lets do this list style. Bad. Then Good. Then misc. (things that are interesting or weird, but not really good or bad I suppose)
BAD - Someone whom I liked very much died. Killed herself I should say. Took Cyanide, which is something I thought only happened in Spy novels. This was weird and awful for a variety of reasons. A fairly good number of my friends have died. This was the first time where I really felt robbed of time with the person. The others were all people I had spent years and years with. That makes it worse in some ways. Closer friends and such. But with this lady, I felt like we could have been closer. I feel like it was a relationship that I never really explored, and that is killing me now. I wonder how great our friendship could have been in the time we were living on the same coast. It's taken me a while to really get a handle on this one. I feel awful for ALL of the reasons one feels awful when someone dies. That hardly needs to be addressed. There is more to it though. My relationship to her. I never actively pursued spending time with her (Not that she would have wanted to, she may very well have shot me done in flames had I actually asked) mostly because I was nervous of what my then GF would think. I'm not a novice at relationships, but that I fell into such a stupid pit as that......She was wonderfull. And terrible. I'll miss her.
BAD - My long term (just shy of 5 years) relationship ended. Horribly. Most of you are aware of this. I've rambled on and on about it at length. Just a few short sentences, I promise. It crushed me. Destroyed my faith in all that was good in the world. Left me somewhat insane and paranoid. I acted in a most Un-Bunny fashion for a while. Alot of what happened in my life this year, negative as well as positive stemmed from this.
BAD - I picked up without a plan and moved accross the country to a city I had never been to (Portland) and moved in with an older gentleman benefactor.
BAD - Had that situation fall apart and was homeless for the first time in 10 years.
BAD - Had the single worst job of my life pumping gas. 6am-2pm Mon-Fri.
BAD - Endured the worst health of my life. Had more debilitating illnesses that lasted longer than ever before. Probably stemming from the lack of home, sleep, and food that went on. Also developed nasty arm problems. Carpel/Cubital tunnel. My arms are fucked.
BAD - 2 of my oldest friends developed large heroin addictions.
Hmmm....Maybe that's it. There is alot of stuff that seemed bad at the time, but now seems in the larger context to be good, or at least not TOO bad. Maybe the things listed above don't seem like big deals, but it made this year one of the strangest and most painful ever.
GOOD - Had my first comic published. This.....still makes me giddy and nerdy when I think about it. Without a doubt the coolest thing of this past year was cracking open true porn 2 and seeing my name there. Wow.
GOOD - I pulled myself out of the neurotic, socially inept, fucked brain, drooling funk I had been in for years. I have met more amazing people this year than in the last decade put together. S-Dog, Trevor, Ken, Claire, Kristen, JD, Paige, Heather, Angelique, Rob, Jenna, Ezra, Gretchen, Eli, Asiya, Owen, Tony, Vinka, Aurora, Suki, Meghan, Hannah, Amie, Karen, Nicholas, Michael, Cool Breeze, Ben, Stephanie, Echo, Kate, Matt, Daniel, Shelly, Lydia, Bruce, Erin.....I know there are man ymore that I just cannot think of at this second. You all kept me (Mostly) sane while my life was falling apart around me, and you all make me so happy that I was able to spend time with you. I feel unbelievably fortunate. I hope (and think) that most of these friendships will endure. In some capacity at least.
GOOD - I lucked into the best apartment in Portland.
GOOD - I had two of the best jobs of my life. Atomic Coffee in MN, and Bridge city comics here in Portland.
GOOD - I maybe grew up enough to stay put in one place for a while. I think it's more that I found the place that suits me. I have no interest in leaving Portland anytime soon. I would like to travel from here, but not moving on. I haven't stayed put in anyplace for more than a year since I was 17. Syracuse being the only exception because that is the hometown I kept landing back in.
GOOD - Took my first cross country roadtrip. 1500 miles over 3 days. At the time it was a balls out speed freak run away from MN. But I knew enough to soak in the beauty of the trip itself. It did much for me.
GOOD - Lost well over 50 pounds. I was a fat fuck. I am now a slightly less fat fuck.
GOOD - Got to know my body more. I had many days and nights of endurance fucking pleasure. The human body truly is a resiliant little fucker. I danced more than I thought i ever could. I fell in love with it all over again.
GOOD - Calmed down. Am getting slightly better at keeping politics in their place. Not getting dragged down by everything that is horrible in the world. I am not quite as miserable as I used to be. It was very funny to me when, I was newly arived here and more than a few people commented on my earthy attitude, very zen they called me! ME?! Are you fucking kidding???
GOOD - Something I can't really describe. I have opened since I have been here. I am still the same man. But not, at all. My life and my brain barely resemble what they were 2 years ago. I feel smarter, more whole, less ego maniacal (but only slightly
Just......better. Something. Words fail.
Yes. There is one more big, hopefully good thing. But I am still working it out in my head. At the end probably....
MISC - I became a hooker. I engage in sexual relations with Men for money. It has been both good and bad. The jury is still out on this one....
MISC - I had sex with more people in 2005 than I have for the last 8 years combined. This is true.
MISC - I fell out of love with music. This could go into the bad category, but I don't really feel much of a lack. I still LIKE music alot. But am no longer the rabid voracious swallower that I used to be. That is for comics now
Well. I guess that is it for the lists. I have a bit of a headache. There must be more, for these look very slim and I feel like this year was jam packed non stop with stuff. Maybe more will occur to me later.
So. The big thing that I was talking about? Jessica (the ex) will be here in a week and a half. To live. Goodnight.
Ok, Ok fine. Just a little bit more. No, we are not dating, working things out, fucking, or continuing our relationship in any sense. She is moving here because Portland is amazing, and she feels she needs to be near me to feel fully human. She has been a pale shade of what she was when I was around. That last bit is not true. It is true that she is my best friend. We weren't for a long time. But she is. It is undeniable. It will be wonderful to have my best friend back around. Yes I am nervous as fuck all. That's all you get for now. You greedy little cunts.....
Good - I sold more art that ever before
Good - My sister and I are finally on speaking terms.
Good - I lucked into finding a great new roommate
Bad - It has been 7 years since my last relationship. I'm horribly lonely and if it wasn't for the god awful work hours I think I would be a very messed up depressed human being.
Bad - I am still about $9,000 in credit card debt from trying to "make it" for the last 6 years.
There has to be more but I'm getting a little misty eyed thinking abuot this stuff. I'd have to say it was all and all one of my better years though.
I'd love to meet you too. Although admittedly it makes me a little sad that you have to sell yourself for $ right now. I don't have that ability to block things out in my own life.