lukebunny

Two of my oldest and closest are dying. Not going quietly or peacefully. They will destroy every positive memory I have of them as they go. Is it possible that they might kick? Yes, it is. Knowing them as well as I do, do I think it's likely? No, I don't. I've known one for 10 years, and the other for 8. Is this the inevitable outcome of all friendships? I live half the world away from both of them. What responsibility do I have? I'm the one sitting in the dark room with the shakes and the nausea. They won't. How do you stand aside and just let them get on with it? I suppose I am going to learn. There is no rock bottom to hit. Only ever larger, more horrific circles of hell. A constant waking nightmare. I feel helpless and small. Maybe the old have to die to make room for the new. Maybe, no matter how fucked they are, I can't say goodbye till there is actual physical death, not just emotional or spiritual death. Maybe this says something about the quality of my friends. Maybe I should stop falling in love with junkies who's brains have been fucked since they were in utero. Maybe maybe maybe. Given every opportunity to not be where they are. How much sympathy can there really be? Is the heart too big? Does it stay open, and giving, and all encompasing? Or do we let it wither, and rot, and atrophy? Does it become the crude machine only capable of pumping a slimy motor oil like substance that I've joked about? My hand is killing me, and I've thrown up already tonight. Somedays I feel I've got it somewhat together, other times......It's today.