ok. so im having this really wonderful morning... i got up, went swimming.. had coffee... smoked some smokes.. drove to the parents house while blasting bjork down route one.. dancing in my seat all the while.. so i get here, put in a load of laundry and check my email. and there it is.
one from him
the dreaded ex.
so...we've been seperated for... about 5 months now.. and it was totally under circumstances out of my control. he drank too much.. it turned into a 6 pack a night in seperate rooms sorta deal. we stopped sleeping the same bed... hed pass out on the couch while i cried myself to sleep. explosive arguments. shit just wasnt right. so i left... and ever since then its been weighing on my heart like a fucking ton of bricks. back and forth.. and yeah, i still love him. yeah, he drives me insane with his little frame and double nose piercing and jaded attitude. and just recently we started talking again, maybe thinking we could work shit out. or something... he sends me this letter earlier this week telling me how he would do anything to have me back. quit drinking, reshape our relationship etc. etc. and you know, its fucked up but i believe him. i know he would.
and it kills me. im torn. i mean, i think im answering my own retarded questions.. i want to travel and just be my own spirit fleeing self... relationships make me feel trapped. they make me (more often then not) want to run away. but hes the type of guy i could be with, for a long time. like, lay down lifestyles and eventually pop out a kid. and that is so far far from who i am......
and i get this fucking email from him this morning, after all the "i want you back so badly ill do anything" shit, and he's all. "oh well. this isnt going to work," and "youve had the upper hand since we seperated and im sick of it" and... "we just didnt click and now im finding people i click with" and im like... WHAT THE FUCK?!
my heart hurts.
i feel like im in perpetual pre cry. you know, the moment you have just before the tears are set free. that horrible gut wretching, soul stretching inner scream. and they just wont happen. the tears just wont flow.
im completely spun.
love fucking sucks.
its not like.. i havent met new folks. part of the whole aspect of why he saying he wanted to start something anew was so fucked for me was because i just re-taught myself life without him. i have 2 jobs, i work 14 hour days and mostly because i dont want to get into a situation where i get close with someone. i work, read, swim and sparsely sleep. for real. thats it.
ugh.
i mentioned in a previous post (yesterdays) that i have all of next week off, if youve actually read through this drivelling shit, and got to this part, if you wanna.... get coffee, or a beer or just walk around p-town, lemme know. id love the company. and i wont be a cynical overwrought with heartsick asshole.
promise.
my loves to you all.........
one from him
the dreaded ex.
so...we've been seperated for... about 5 months now.. and it was totally under circumstances out of my control. he drank too much.. it turned into a 6 pack a night in seperate rooms sorta deal. we stopped sleeping the same bed... hed pass out on the couch while i cried myself to sleep. explosive arguments. shit just wasnt right. so i left... and ever since then its been weighing on my heart like a fucking ton of bricks. back and forth.. and yeah, i still love him. yeah, he drives me insane with his little frame and double nose piercing and jaded attitude. and just recently we started talking again, maybe thinking we could work shit out. or something... he sends me this letter earlier this week telling me how he would do anything to have me back. quit drinking, reshape our relationship etc. etc. and you know, its fucked up but i believe him. i know he would.
and it kills me. im torn. i mean, i think im answering my own retarded questions.. i want to travel and just be my own spirit fleeing self... relationships make me feel trapped. they make me (more often then not) want to run away. but hes the type of guy i could be with, for a long time. like, lay down lifestyles and eventually pop out a kid. and that is so far far from who i am......
and i get this fucking email from him this morning, after all the "i want you back so badly ill do anything" shit, and he's all. "oh well. this isnt going to work," and "youve had the upper hand since we seperated and im sick of it" and... "we just didnt click and now im finding people i click with" and im like... WHAT THE FUCK?!
my heart hurts.
i feel like im in perpetual pre cry. you know, the moment you have just before the tears are set free. that horrible gut wretching, soul stretching inner scream. and they just wont happen. the tears just wont flow.
im completely spun.
love fucking sucks.
its not like.. i havent met new folks. part of the whole aspect of why he saying he wanted to start something anew was so fucked for me was because i just re-taught myself life without him. i have 2 jobs, i work 14 hour days and mostly because i dont want to get into a situation where i get close with someone. i work, read, swim and sparsely sleep. for real. thats it.
ugh.
i mentioned in a previous post (yesterdays) that i have all of next week off, if youve actually read through this drivelling shit, and got to this part, if you wanna.... get coffee, or a beer or just walk around p-town, lemme know. id love the company. and i wont be a cynical overwrought with heartsick asshole.
promise.
my loves to you all.........
It's Portland, the weather's nice, at least you got that this weekend.