luffy

I am not quite sure what is going on with me right now... If the roads will take me anywhere, or not...

I can't make it to Hell City, all because my birth certificate is laminated... WHAT THE FUCK!?? Anyways, I'm sorry! I know there was generated excitement with me going down there, but I won't have any passport problems for next year's show. Maybe I can prepare better, as well! (I keep forgetting how quickly May creeps up from the beginning of the year)... Times going fast!
I wonder where its all going in such a rush? How am I shaping up the rest of my life? The impact that I'm currently leaving, as the days continue to topple down like a medium sized erected domino line. I think this insinuating feeling first came upon me around the week of April 20th. The start of the sun in Taurus. Yes, I believe in astrology, to an extent. I know I told everyone already, but I just want to point out that its the year of the dragon- My Chinese zodiac sign, and it is also the time of the year under Taurus.
I feel like a fucking raging bull, with the vigilante stamina, and will power of the dragon. I feel like a monster!
No matter what the consequences, I feel like saying fuck you, I want the freedom to live life on my own. Discover my own trials, tribulations, triumphs, and turning points, without my family trying to direct my life for me. I can see it in the things they say to me... They think I'm not living up to my potential. Translation: They don't have enough trust and faith in me to let me discover my potential with time. Why is there such an urgency placed upon this? All the urgency adds to is stress, and making poor decisions, especially when it comes to your working life. I'm already been in that situation... I'm not interested in repeating the results of it. Not at all! I become distant, and run away, to a place where I can make sense of the craziness of every day life. Think about it, then come up with the best possible solutions. I can't do that around people that are panicking for me, when I'm still trying to take in the task to hone in on it. Geess...
Now, I'm being kicked out of my aunt's house earlier than I wanted, and I know I'm now under pressure to find a job that I can live with. ARRGHHHH! I know what's going to work, now. But I'm going to have to ask for help... something I hate doing, maybe a psychologist, even, and commit to finding the best possible job, because I am not willing to settle this year, even if that means I become homeless... That's how crazy I feel!!
I'm burning with such intense stubbornness, and determination to get things done my way; not the conventional way. I'm, in a sense picking a fight with the world, my family... myself... ... ... ...

And, yet, to flip things over to the opposite side, incredible self discovery is currently unfolding within myself. I'm gaining insight into things so complicated, and yet so simple about myself, and the people I interact with and observe. I swear, psychology students go into psych partly to find a cure for their own 'issues'... My favorite part of being out in public, when its no body that I know is being able to observe the people, scenarios, and flow of the environment. And, like I've said upon coming back from Montreal, Toronto's fucked!
My least favorite part of going out in public is that the huge crowds of unhappy zombies hopping from subway station to subway station at the speed of light trying to either get to work on time, or hurry home to relax. Everyone around me hates their job. Why should I become like that too, if its possible not to. I know there's a job out there for me! And with that, I am finding so much strength that I never knew that I had. I have quadruple the courage I had when I was younger to stand up for myself. I know I'm making mistakes still, but I'm starting to feel like a hue that's a little more true to my fundamental personality colour.
And, when I Dooo retreat, its to a lovely place. I go and visit my boyfriend in one of the neighboring towns, and visit my dad in a different neighboring town. Those moments out of the city are amazing! I'm starting to open up to my dad, which is amazing, but I can't do it with my aunt yet... I am truly blessed!... In each situation, but this place is where I can find monetary, but autonomous moments. I feel complete and utter peace. I am not scared, I am not worried, I have no self doubt, I have complete awareness, and I become my environment. It becomes me. I sound very geeky, but these moments are truly profound to the point where, I start feeling like a training monk or something... Its all really strange, and I don't exactly know how these feelings come about, or how to maintain these feelings, while I get back to the concrete jungle of panic that is Toronto.
When I came back, I chopped off some of my hair. I'm transitioning my hair from permed to natural. I hate the hold that society's had on me to have straight hair! I forgotten how beautiful my natural hair is. Its in little curly ringlets, and its so soft! Its funny... Growing up, I thought that because a person was of African American/ Canadian decent that their hair was too nappy, and therefor not pleasant to have. Pfft My hair isn't even nappy! I'm happy to find this out. I probably won't do any sets aside from the next one I'm having done, until I get my hair back to an optimal length. I'm so not used to this yet! Right now, because of the two different textures in my hair it is a bitch to deal with... It turns out that I really don't have the patience to let it grow out long enough before getting rid of the ends. My hair hasn't been this short in a while... It feels awkward, but it feels freeing at the same time. My dead ends have been chopped off! So now, I'm leaving my hair to grow, as I must have patience from this point. I'll get my hair back ...soon? I'll put pictures of it up later. I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood for pictures at the moment.

I still have a lot to look forward to, as I kind of knew that I'd need to get back to job searching right about now. I need to go job, and apartment hunting now. I'm going to make this fun. Only optimism is allowed with me this month. For it is May! I was born in this month, I share the month with Luffy which I did not know til recently This is when the weather gets really warm, the days approach the longest periods of sunshine, natures colours of reawakening life paint the landscape like a canvas. Ooo I do really love May, and everything that happens within the month of May!

What I was trying to get at, at the beginning of this blog was, that This year starting from a few weeks ago is going to show me very profound spiritual, and mental growth, even if that means that I'm in for some crazy shit within these next few months.
Fuck it all... I say, bring it on!

There's a lot going on. Better make sure it doesn't send my head spinning.
I think I'm due for a video soon.
Til next time, I'll leave you with:












These songs all tell a little of what I harbor and feel inside me at the moment:








This song is for Leon Still apart of the list of how I feel. But, this song isn't symbolic of my romantic relationship...God no!









Listen to the lyrics of this one for me?

Lots of love,
xo

I can't wait for the surprise!