luffy

Good Afternoon to all.

I don't know how I stumble across some of the songs that I do... There are a few of them that have the power to get that final jolt of strength you need to tell what ever is bothering you to "fuck off."I have to admit that I wasn't feeling my best these last few days, but, as I grew aloof to the world around me, focusing in on the ailment that ended up ignoring my physical immune system, and ended up penetrating my mind, my emotions, primal reactions. I was glazed over in apathy, and yet I had this overwhelming feeling of me needing to find success, and find it now. I was at my limit with how much I could handle... Those around me only taking in a- "spend every waking moment searching for a job, get a job, and get a job now!" dialect. I have faith in myself that I'll find something when I'm ready, not when I'm the most desperate. I have enough resources to be okay with out a job for a while, so this is what I will do for a few months, so that I can really get back on my feet in a strong and positive way when I'm finally ready. I know what I'm capable of doing when the time calls for it. So, why than is everybody else around me so scared of the current actions that I'm taking? I suspect that some people may have put a shallow though in that with the resulting no job, no apartment situation meaning that I've some how failed...not succeeded. When I put those pieces together, I was a bit disappointed with my findings. I'm not saying that that is a fact. Its not, I just went with my instinct as to what could equate to the frustration that was building up when I first got back to the city.
Well, guess what? I'm slowly showing my family that I'm comfortable with the person I am right now, and that I prepare for things in my own way- I like to make up my own system for getting things done.
For instance, Today, I attempted to roll my second ever joint, and while following two different methods, that I'd observed from other people, I basically said "... How about I get this done with my logic", and sure enough I had succeeded. Wasn't perfect, but it got me smiling. I continue to learn different things about myself, other people, my interactions, and different aspects of my life that have never been brought up before. I'm starting to feel more liberated, in a sense, as well as more proud of who I really am. That in itself is amazing. Its a humbling experience, but none the less a beautiful process, unfolding at just the right speed.
I know I'll find my definition of success, when I'm ready. I am not worrying about what year that will happen- how soon it will happen, so my family should be, either.

This brings me to the second reason I was feeling kinda shitty.
I've always wanted to go to Ohio...well ever since joining the site. And now I have a chance of doing this, but I know my mind is trying to rationalize me, so that I don't end up going, and I miss out on an inspiring opportunity. I have been thinking about the mind, lately...Watching my own mind, from an unbiased standpoint. How could I accomplish this? By simply asking, "Why?" "Why do I feel like this right now?" "Why is my mind making up so many rules?" "Why do I feel scared of making this happen?" Money became the reason why I couldn't go anymore... I'm sorry, but looking back, I feel a little pathetic. I know I'll be safe, even if I blow all the money I have on this trip, I know I'll be okay. So now, what is there to stop me from going to Ohio? I can't think of anything. I have been a fraid-y cat all throughout my teen years, and I was known as the worried one. Ever since joining the site, I've seen tremendous growth away from that fearful person I was becoming. I knew deep down, that's not me. I am fighting an ongoing battle to kill my old life, and rebirth yourself as, well "yourself". I'm realizing that not all risks are bad. You might gain some timely insight, or an experience to add to later wisdom. Who knows, and you're going to blow this off because of money? Eff that! I've always had lame excuses, but this is just pushing it!. So, as scared as I am, I'm going to go... Keep in mind I'll be leaving the country for the first time ever... I hope border security doesn't pick a fight... lol



Fear is trying to seep its way back to my mind. But, I won't let it!


Another thing that I was nervous about, is that I ended up taking the responsibility to plan something, and I followed through with getting the project organized. In exactly a week and a half, I'm going to be involved in a surprise, that resulted out of a fun idea I had. I'm so excited! But, getting everyone in the same mind frame took a bit of courage. I hate organizing things, because I always want everyone to have their ideas go through in the final result. Either way, check back with me really soon, for I might give a little hint as to what the surprise is. (:


Time, I know is only man made, but its clever. To make me think that I have to rush with the clock to find my purpose in life. All that is is unnecessary stress. Who the fuck knows what they want to do, unless they do it to the point where it is something they truly enjoy. Something that, everyday doesn't seem like work in the traditional sense, but that gives that person joy and fulfillment. Even the people who have their masters, PhDs and are working somewhere they didn't picture a few years prior. I wish our system could allow for more creativity, to not only be fostered in children, artists, philosophers, architects, engineers.- Those who need creativity in their every day lives. Business people, scientists, mathematicians, we ALL need to let our creativity flourish. I think this could easily be done if some of these things I'm seeing around me were done in a different way, I think. This system doesn't work for everyone, and I wish we could control certain elemental essentials ourselves a little more... Ugh. This that I'm rambling on about now is a whole other topic.
Point is, Why do we have to compete, compare and and be compared to? Why is it always the dozens of sheep that flock towards a few herders every new generations that come about? What is with this hierarchy? We should be able to the freedom to have different shape houses, made from different materials, with different rooms and organization, to accurately represent the true lifestyle you want.

I'm sure we'd be a little happier. Woops... Rambling on still.





I REALLY want my profile picture to change... I see other members changing their profile pictures, and look back on the days when I would do that. I'm crossing my fingers that it will change soon, to this:


And, just for fun, which one is your birth date?


I'm the Flower Dog.
Til next time,
Love
Xoxo

P.S
Thanks for the support and love on my set! No matter what happens with it, what's done is done, and I take pride in what I made. (:

Cheers!