It was the night before Christmas, and I was so high I could barely keep my eyes opened. That had to be some sort of sacrilege, The day before the universal celebration of Christs birth (for those of you who didnt discover the truth about him and the Easter Bunny) and her I sat, the glass pipe laying fallen not six inches from my hand, giggling at the cartoon antics glaring through my television in the dark. Eh, fuck it. The holiday had become too damned commercial anyway.
Anyone familiar with the effects of pot knows that it can cause a person to feel paranoid, and with high enough amounts, cause audible hallucinations. These were my first thoughts when I heard the bumping noise from outside my door. I lived alone, with no pets that could cause any noise like that. At first, I passed it off as my imagination. Then I heard a low grunt coming from inside my own house.
Shit, someones in my fucking house! I muttered quietly as I struggled to stand up and investigate.
Acting in a more bold fashion than my norm, I threw the door open wide, and stepped out bravely. What I thought I saw next made me almost believe everything my mom always told me about drugs. Red suit and everything, the fat jolly bastard was standing a few feet in front of me leaning against the wall.
Holy fucking Christ! I shouted.
Yes, thats right. Faced with the joyous embodiment of kindness and Christmas cheer, and I greet him by profaning the name of the dude the whole days about. My parents were right, I do have a foul mouth.
My face began turning bright red, as he looked up at me with one eyebrow raised.
Shut the fuck up you little turd!
Santa just told me to shut the fuck up.
Im god damned tired here, and I just cant deal with one more friggin happy time Christmas fan.
Did he call me a turd?
And your broke ass didnt even have the decency to leave a plate of cookies!
Who the fuck are you? I asked, not even thinking to suspect the obvious answer any psycho dressed in that get up and breaking into peoples houses would give.
He just looked at me.
Jesus Christ boy! Are you some kind of shut in fucking retard?
I was starting to feel less embarrassed about my first response to this freak.
Now you want me to prove to you who I am? You think I give a rats left testicle what a snot like you thinks I am? Shit go look out your window then, you pain in the ass.
I looked out, expecting to see a reflection of him trying to swing at the back of my head. You could not imagine how idiotic I feel relating this, but there they were, fifteen feet in the air, a red sleigh floating behind them.
I turned and stared blankly at him. He just laughed.
You people always turn retarded when you see those damn things. Idiot
He then turned around and reached for the red bag beside him.
Um, excuse me, what the hell is going on? Last I heard Santa was a story made up for kids. That pissed him off.
He turned around, and rather than the cheery, jolly spectre of yuletide merriment hes made out to be, his face was gnarled in anger, suddenly his balled fist came at me.
Thats the last god damn time Im going to go through this inane and idiotic dialogue. Just shut the fuck up!
Wow, Santa really was a fucking dick. Id side stepped the first swing easily enough, he was after all an old man. I hesitated for a moment before striking back. He was after all Santa Claus. After only a moments thought, I decided kids all over didnt need this ass to be breaking into their houses at night. So I placed a first firmly into his jaw, before he could take his next swing.
For about three years now, Id been taking boxing lessons on a more or less weekly basis. So when my fist fell against his chin, it easily crumbled. Without thinking I struck firmly into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He slumped down on the ground, a trickle of blood by the corner of his mouth, his eyes slowly shutting. It was then I realized what I had done.
Holy fucking shit, I killed Santa Claus! I screamed out.
The oddity of what Id just said suddenly struck me, and I nearly smiled, until I looked over and saw him laying there, unmoving.
Then, the elves came.
Two fell tumbled out of the fireplace to land standing before me. Three more came walking downstairs as though theyd been there the entire time.
Jesus Christ, hes killed Santa! one of them screamed. If it wasnt for the gravity of the situation, his comical, high pitched voice would have occurred as oddly hilarious. All five then conjoined over the prostrate figure.
They then swung to look at me. And walking up, stood, lined up, staring at me.
He tried to hit me! I screamed in my defense.
He was so fucking old the effort alone almost killed him you pussy! one called back.
Hey, that dick shouldnt be delivering presents anyway, he was messed up. I saw that movie, Im responsible for his death, so I have to take his place right? At least that old freak wont be doing it.
That was a movie you idiot. The first one of the line said hatefully.
Nobody can replace Santa, you think wed want that crotchety old dick doing the job? the elf next to him piped in.
We needed him. Came the next.
And now hes dead. The fourth elf said in a daze.
You ruined Christmas. The final elf said as he glared at me.
You are such an asshole. One muttered as he held his head.
I didnt know what to say. Id just ruined Christmas. What kind of fucked up Christmas special was this anyway?
merry x-mas
Anyone familiar with the effects of pot knows that it can cause a person to feel paranoid, and with high enough amounts, cause audible hallucinations. These were my first thoughts when I heard the bumping noise from outside my door. I lived alone, with no pets that could cause any noise like that. At first, I passed it off as my imagination. Then I heard a low grunt coming from inside my own house.
Shit, someones in my fucking house! I muttered quietly as I struggled to stand up and investigate.
Acting in a more bold fashion than my norm, I threw the door open wide, and stepped out bravely. What I thought I saw next made me almost believe everything my mom always told me about drugs. Red suit and everything, the fat jolly bastard was standing a few feet in front of me leaning against the wall.
Holy fucking Christ! I shouted.
Yes, thats right. Faced with the joyous embodiment of kindness and Christmas cheer, and I greet him by profaning the name of the dude the whole days about. My parents were right, I do have a foul mouth.
My face began turning bright red, as he looked up at me with one eyebrow raised.
Shut the fuck up you little turd!
Santa just told me to shut the fuck up.
Im god damned tired here, and I just cant deal with one more friggin happy time Christmas fan.
Did he call me a turd?
And your broke ass didnt even have the decency to leave a plate of cookies!
Who the fuck are you? I asked, not even thinking to suspect the obvious answer any psycho dressed in that get up and breaking into peoples houses would give.
He just looked at me.
Jesus Christ boy! Are you some kind of shut in fucking retard?
I was starting to feel less embarrassed about my first response to this freak.
Now you want me to prove to you who I am? You think I give a rats left testicle what a snot like you thinks I am? Shit go look out your window then, you pain in the ass.
I looked out, expecting to see a reflection of him trying to swing at the back of my head. You could not imagine how idiotic I feel relating this, but there they were, fifteen feet in the air, a red sleigh floating behind them.
I turned and stared blankly at him. He just laughed.
You people always turn retarded when you see those damn things. Idiot
He then turned around and reached for the red bag beside him.
Um, excuse me, what the hell is going on? Last I heard Santa was a story made up for kids. That pissed him off.
He turned around, and rather than the cheery, jolly spectre of yuletide merriment hes made out to be, his face was gnarled in anger, suddenly his balled fist came at me.
Thats the last god damn time Im going to go through this inane and idiotic dialogue. Just shut the fuck up!
Wow, Santa really was a fucking dick. Id side stepped the first swing easily enough, he was after all an old man. I hesitated for a moment before striking back. He was after all Santa Claus. After only a moments thought, I decided kids all over didnt need this ass to be breaking into their houses at night. So I placed a first firmly into his jaw, before he could take his next swing.
For about three years now, Id been taking boxing lessons on a more or less weekly basis. So when my fist fell against his chin, it easily crumbled. Without thinking I struck firmly into his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. He slumped down on the ground, a trickle of blood by the corner of his mouth, his eyes slowly shutting. It was then I realized what I had done.
Holy fucking shit, I killed Santa Claus! I screamed out.
The oddity of what Id just said suddenly struck me, and I nearly smiled, until I looked over and saw him laying there, unmoving.
Then, the elves came.
Two fell tumbled out of the fireplace to land standing before me. Three more came walking downstairs as though theyd been there the entire time.
Jesus Christ, hes killed Santa! one of them screamed. If it wasnt for the gravity of the situation, his comical, high pitched voice would have occurred as oddly hilarious. All five then conjoined over the prostrate figure.
They then swung to look at me. And walking up, stood, lined up, staring at me.
He tried to hit me! I screamed in my defense.
He was so fucking old the effort alone almost killed him you pussy! one called back.
Hey, that dick shouldnt be delivering presents anyway, he was messed up. I saw that movie, Im responsible for his death, so I have to take his place right? At least that old freak wont be doing it.
That was a movie you idiot. The first one of the line said hatefully.
Nobody can replace Santa, you think wed want that crotchety old dick doing the job? the elf next to him piped in.
We needed him. Came the next.
And now hes dead. The fourth elf said in a daze.
You ruined Christmas. The final elf said as he glared at me.
You are such an asshole. One muttered as he held his head.
I didnt know what to say. Id just ruined Christmas. What kind of fucked up Christmas special was this anyway?
merry x-mas